AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.

I don't understand why you feel like this. Your partner pays the bills and you said you don't want him to pay the mortgage or rent so that he doesn't have a claim on your house, so even if he didn't have another mortgage you wouldn't accept rent money from him.

Before he moved in, you were relying on credit cards to pay anything beyond your normal household expenses, and now you have savings.

I don't really see why you think you're worse off because of her unless you were expecting your partner to pay into youe savings or cover more of the household expenses for you and your child over doing the same for his own child?

He chose to conduct the divorce in a certain way and a mesher order where the parent and child can stay in the house till they are 18 is rare these days but he agreed to it. When I divorced I had to sell up and move out with two small dc and no child maintenance (exh didn’t work and still doesn’t.)

She might have built up some savings from UC. I did when I claimed for a year and was very careful about my spending. It doesn’t last forever though as pps have pointed out and one day she will have to sell up and your partner will benefit from the equity then?

Yes this is what is confusing me too. Obviously him living there will result in additional costs but not 50% more. Can you explain how you aren’t better off now?

Maybe rather than being jealous of his ex you should be looking at how to improve your own financial situation? If your DC father is alive, is he paying enough? Could you or DP get a second PT job or side hustle?

It sounds like your jealousy of the ex is really damaging you.

I think you're looking for logic where it doesn't exist! None of this makes any sense in my opinion.

Why did you stay when you knew what he had to pay out?

Or she'll be working full time or remarried maybe.

She hasn't 'made her life' she has the good life she is conning out of her ex and the government. He needs to pay only what he is obliged to pay, forget the household bills nonsense and she also be made aware that once their child is out of full time education everything stops.
It's not unusual to hear of an ex being totally dishonest and scamming the father of their child. I wonder whatshe contributes to school trips erc?

They’re not married.

Agree. The extras need to be shared so that's something to negotiate. Of course the kids may be told that can't do ABC because Dad won't pay, and Mum can't afford to. So your DH needs to decide if he's okay with that. My DH wasn't, and he felt paying was better than having the kids messed around like that. Its not fair, its not nice, and you can't say anything about the lies about the finances to the kids as it's not fair on them. Sorry OP, it's just about doing what right for the kids even when it's deeply unfair. It infuriated me, she has a bigger house, full maintenance and never worked a day. I didn't like it, but realised if it was my kids, I'd probably had made similar decisions as DH in the circumstances.

Just lije the wives who 'accidentally' find things on their husband's phone? Is privacy a one way street?

I’m confused as to how the op is worse of than before?? If anything she is getting money that she wouldn’t before?

He’s facilitating it though. It’s a him problem. It’s ridiculous that he’s paying his ex’s household bills whilst his own household struggles for basics.

Exactly this. Just hang in there OP.

So much support for cheating ex wives on MN!

What a bizarre irrelevant piece of whataboutery.

I feel the same. Let this all play out.

Let her realise how her income alone isn't enough to fund her lifestyle. Let her find out why people work full time.

What's your partner's plan house ownership wise long term? Sorry if I've missed something on that, I think I remember picking up that he's paying half the mortgage on the home his child lives in. Is the expectation that she'd buy him out or they sell or what at that point? I know your reason for not wanting him on your mortgage come from a place of being burnt in the past but long term, beyond the next 4 years, do you see him as a tenant? A housemate? Or would you buy somewhere between the two of you and rent your current place out?

I also thought it would be a good move to make sure she knows your financial situation. I don't think it would change much but she might make assumptions as you both work so much and so hard that you must have more of a financial buffer zone.

I'd also say that if things are tight, as much as you don't want kids to miss out, sometimes you do have to say no to the big school trip or go halves on driving lessons or get them the trainers that were in the sale not the ones they really wanted because everyone has them.

Are you worse off because now that you add him + his children to the mix, you have way more expenses than before when it was just you + your DC? So in a way, income has gone up but so have bills.

I can only think of splitting or start charging rent, not just bills.

You have a DH problem not an ex wife problem. He is happy for you to subsidise his life because he is too wet to change anything.
She owes you nothing, she is playing the game and if he's stupid enough to have played along, good for her.
Ask yourself, why is he happy for you and yours to struggle? I mean, the answer is, because while you and yours live frugally, his don't have to. That is the choice he makes every time he hands money over.
These men, always find a women happy to put up with scraps.
Oh and he will continue as is, he will just hide it from you. This is their dynamic and it will not change without drama. Drama he is unwilling to go through.
Up to you whether you want to keep subsidising him, his ex and their children.

OP, you are rightfully pissed off but should be really angry at yourself.

You are giving free housing to a man who is funding someone else.

You should get him out and bring in a paying lodger.

You have made very poor decisions putting a man ahead of your children and good financial sense.

Of course he can be the big man funding her, because he lives freely at yours.

How can you do that and have children?

Look at how much a lodger would contribute.

You cannot afford a boyfriend living off you, whilst he pays for an ex.

She is miles ahead of you and has an idiot made of him and you by extension.

Why would you have ever entertained this when finances are so tight?

Absolute madness.

You need to forget about him completely and start putting your children first.
You need to look at how you can add money to the household rather than paying for his.

So foolish.
Be pissed off at yourself.
You have made bad choices and allowed yourself to be used, to the detriment of your children.

I hope you ignore all the useless comments advising you to leave him, OP! And those blaming you.

You cant do anything about it and you shouldn’t change anything at the moment.

He sounds like a very good, responsible father abd his ex is a lazy sponger. Of course she should be working full time.

The fact is that on MN, people don’t like men, even a man/father doing the right thing even when he’s supporting an ex and mother of his children who could get up off her behind and work full time.

Just hang in there until the agreed point in time when he can offer financial support directly to his child, and not via his lazy ex..

How will she? We don’t know how much equity is in the house or what percentage of the equity she is entitled to under the Consent Order. I got 75% of equity in exchange for relinquishing my rights to XH pension.

She could be set up pretty well and might embark on a new relationship of her own like OP has done. Let’s hope for her sake she chooses more wisely than OP has.

No need to bluff, he simply cancels everyextra payment he is making to the sponger immediately, I wouldn't even tell her!

Its getting that way of our relationship and Im sad it has come to this and driven a wedge between us. I do think that is her intention tbh. There's a lot more boundary crossing she does that I wont go into here. My DP has got better at enforcing his boundaries with her though now but maybe too little too late for us

Indeed. You thought your lifestyle would improve when you got with him and it hasn't enough for your liking.

What bizarre poor comprehension! Both examples relate to someone seeing what they shouldn't have looked at, is that simple enough?