AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

What are you talking about? The woman is lying and taking for herself, not for her kids.

Wouldn't you be worse off financially if you weren't with your DP? He's paying 50% of the bills which I'm sure are increased by him being there but not doubled. So essentially, his ex wife's income, including maintenance etc, isn't taking anything from you. You are still in a better financial position with your partners contribution to you and your DCs bills than you would be if you were single. I'm not saying it's not understandable that you're pissed off, but if you put it into perspective it's not making you any worse off.

Take the money off him and put some of it away for any big expenses. He is telling you he can afford to give you rent, take it.
Also, he must be able to afford to pay you rent because a judge will make a decision on finances based on each person needing to house themselves, he wouldnt have awarded your DH paying all that toward his ex without ensuring he could also keep a roof over his head. So that money out of his wages is sat doing what? It cant ALL be going on extras for the kids! He's trying to do right by you, so let him!

She's not your business. He is. You have made a decision to partner with a man who has heavy financial commitments elsewhere, due to his own decisions.

If that is not what you want, you know what to do. Don't hound her.

He's supporting his kid(s), surely? Why don't you have them 50/50?

I don't think you're BU to be pissed off about struggling when she doesn't seem to be, but it is how it is, and I think you either suck it up or reconsider your relationship. Would you be better off financially without him living with you?

Of course not. And, absolutely nothing to do with this thread.

Is there a formal child arrangements order re every weekend with Dad? This can be varied, so that the child has a weekend with Mum alternating with a weekend with Dad.

I get it to a degree. It's hard when the ex is spending big on luxuries and you're living week to week. We are in a similar boat. We could lose the house this year the way things are going then their father won't have a home for the kids to go when his ex wants them babysat for one of her 3 shifts a week.
We work full time long hours and are falling behind. So I get it. It's hard when you can't even afford to live yourselves as we are facing. Nothing to do with not supporting them or not wanting to and everything to do with we do not have the money to give what's being demanded.

But once we sell we will be moving to my parents where his kids won't be able to go. That's what I'm holding out for. Then that will disrupt her routine and I won't have to see them myself. Win win.
Though I don't want to lose my house but if I do... She will be worse off for it....good 😀

Exactly. OP needs to take responsibility for her own choices and not blame another woman.

A relationship should enhance your life not drain it, now is the time to examine what he actually brings to the relationship. I don’t think you have a child/children together so that should make things less complex to unpick.

Start asking probing questions regarding finances, this effects you financially so gather the information.

If this demented government have their way in a few years he will be entitled to a claim over your property due to the cohabitation period which has been suggested as two years.

So what exactly is different now?

But we cant afford to socialise as our money goes to pay for her to do so, while shes amassing savings and telling us shes broke and asking my DP to keep paying for things above and beyond?
I dont have a problem with her socialising, I have a problem with deceit on her part to our detriment

I can say for certain I wouldn't live with a man and get involved with his financial commitments to his child and child's mother:

In many ways, you can't get involved but in other ways this is affecting you financially.
He's an idiot for believing her rather than getting full transparency on her finances.
The ex wife is clearly playing the system......
He needs to go back to court to get the mescher order stopped and readjustment on the finances.
Yes he needs to support his children but not his ex wife's lifestyle.
The ex is being pretty blatant about her lifestyle, seeing the paperwork just confirms what you basically knew.
I think it would be a deal breaker for me.

How is YOUR money going to her? If it's actually your money, then that is a problem and he needs to move back out.

So end the relationship. Nobody is forcing you to be with this bloke 🤷‍♀️

For any extras now he declines. She could well have had nothing at the time but been able to build up as he’s been willing to pay over and above.

do not let her know what you’ve seen. Just start saying no to the additional things

What a horrific way to view your partner's children. Just through and through spiteful.

when his ex wants them babysat

It's just sooo unreasonable of a mother to expect her children's father to father his children so she can work!!

This is never going to improve op. He is fully committed financially for years. Even into adulthood his dc will need financial support, we have found it becomes more expensive not less.

Walk away - it’s not your problem

You have no idea of the full story apart from the small snippet I gave you.
So your opinion means nothing given you don't know the full story and I am not obligated to share it with you.
This is not my thread take your pitchfork elsewhere

His money is going to pay for the costs associated with raising his children.

I’m always curious what the payments are in these cases as it’s almost always ends up not being particularly crazy.

Do you have joint finances/accounts?

But thats exactly what your post suggested - OP could work less and get the tax payer to make up the difference like the Ex…

This with big brass bells on ! ^

When I was divorced and dating I made it a rule never to get involved with a man who had young dependent children. It creates problems that no-one needs.