AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

Needs reporting to UC if she has thousands in the bank.

I think you should stay out of it. She's made her life and you're making yours. If you want more free time, why not quit and do as she does.

It's nice to hear of a father taking care of his family financially for once after leaving.

I think your DP was wrong to go through her bank statements. Even if it was on the table, he took the time to peruse them.

I think you’re allowed to have up to 12k or even more in the bank or something if on UC…I could be wrong

Its just under the limit for UC. Beleive me, I would if it was over.

Yes, it is the right thing to do and makes me happy too. Too many fathers don’t or are happy to leave ex wife destitute and only cover the child or some neither.

If I quit work Id lose my house as couldn't afford the mortgage and bills. Plus I dont want to be relying on the state when Im able to work. I just dont lie to get others to pay my bills while I selfishly save my money

I would send him packing. Honestly it’s really unfair and the benefit system is to openly abused by people like this.

he has caused this mess by not fighting for what was rightly his.

But the fact is shes not destitute. We're more destitute than she is it seems. She has more money than we do but lied about it!

If he didn't do any checks or due diligence at the time of the divorce, unfortunately that's on him and he won't get anywhere asking her to repay the legal fees. All he can do is reassess his approach to any new requests - he shouldn't be skint while she's out partying and on holiday.

You have become involved with a man who is heavily cimmitted financially to his ex wife. In your position I would just walk away.

How are you just scraping by if you were paying the mortgage and bills alone and now he lives with you paying half the bills? There's no way him living there drastically ups your bills to the point he costs half of them. So you should still be better off than you were before he moved in. He wants to pay for his kids. As long as he has enough to pay you what he should leave it alone.
Another story of merging households that doesn't work.

You’re skint because you’ve moved a grown man into your house who doesn’t contribute his share of the living expenses. What he does with his money and subsequently what the person he’s giving it to does with it really isn’t your business. If he paid his way in your house he wouldn’t have it to give away. There’s your fix. Get on with it.

Your DP must have a very good income if he’s subject to a fairly recent Mescher order. You knew his financial position before he moved in with you, you must have been able to afford your lifestyle on just your income so I don’t understand why you’re worse off now he’s moved in, unless you’re actually giving him money! In fact, as he now pays half the bills surely you’re better off? Also, surely he’s better off too as he’s no longer paying rent?
Id be fuming if my ex came into my house looking through my things - he should not have done that. If the Dc are old enough to be left alone in the house whilst their mum is at work, they’re old enough to find the form they were looking for.

So how come you could afford it before he moved in?

Why are you wasting your life with this man and his ex?

She said he pays half the bills and she doesn’t want him to contribute rent or mortgage so he doesn’t have any financial hold over her property.

Eh op?
so you self funded your house and bills before your dp moved in.
then he moved in and started paying 50% of all the bills.
you must be better off surely than you where before?
unless you missed it out, from your op, ‘you’ aren’t funding anything at all to do with your dps child. You just pay your own stuff, as previous, yet now you have him contributing to it too.

Right.
so you have made the decision that you’d rather work full time in return for a house at the end.
so she has made the decision that she’d rather work less and enjoy life a bit more now, but not have a house at the end.
you have made your choice.
its quite strange to resent her choice when it’s available to you?

How much a month is he paying her?

Sounds like he needs to revisit the situation if he can no longer afford it - circumstances do change

Is she living rent free there? Who gets the proceeds of the home when it is sold? What bills of hers does he pay?

the fact he lives with you and your children reduces the amount of csa that he pays too

You chose to shack up with this man. I always feel baffled by women making decisions like this then complaining about drama with the ex wife. Either stay single or find a man without the endless complicated strings. You wouldn’t be so broke and bitter if you were on your own.

He can pay rent without having any financial hold over the property. Its what happens in my house, so he should start paying rent.
He and his child are contributing to wear and tear on the house, he needs to be paying rent. You BOTH need to be better off living together, and right now he's got a really jammy deal. (Ignoring the ex wife stuff, seeing as he'd have to house himself without you)
Also how did you manage before he moved in, if you are so badly off with a second person living there?

Basically, from the info given, she is within the law, has done nothing fraudulent if she is below the savings threshold, and has an ex who loves their kids enough to actually provide properly, instead of the bare minimum like so many men.

You have made a poor choice to become enmeshed with a man who wasn't smart enough to follow standard checks and seek transparency from her during his divorce. And whom doesn't earn enough to cover for the choices he's made. The kids should come first! He made loving choices. You're choosing to denigrate his ex for his choices?!

And neither of you seem to earn enough to support the life you want. Eg he can't provide for his children but also throw enough into your joint pot. And you can't either.

It's a red herring, her savings, she will be doing the most emotional labour with their kids and also perhaps saving for them to go to uni, or for large emergencies where she doesn't have a spouse to help. He plainly agreed to the support he is giving them. It won't last for ever.

I hope his kids never ever hear you slagging their mum off, for doing nothing wrong.

So in 4 years’ time, the mesher ends, the house is sold & he benefits from his proportion of the equity? Plus any CMS payments will end?

I think it would be reasonable for him to refuse any ad hocs on the basis that he thinks the contribution he already makes is fair. He could reasonably point out that she’s having holidays & a social life which you & he can’t run to, so he’s not convinced she’s as on her uppers as all that. If DSS is a teenager your DP can give him cash directly instead, if he’s worried about him missing out, or take him shopping.

It’s fine for you to think that your DP is a mug, if you think he should have been less generous/quick to agree to their financial arrangement but she’s not actually doing anything wrong.

Your DP OTOH shouldn’t be snooping in his XW’s personal papers.

Maybe you should take heart in the idea that should you split up, he’ll presumably be similarly generous with maintenance & ad hocs with your kids together? I think I’d be more concerned if he’d spent the last 6 years fighting his ex over every penny…

She’ll be up shit creek without a paddle in 4 years when DC leaves full time education! All your husbands contributions will stop and so will any child related benefits! (Assuming your DH won’t have to continue financially contributing to her bills once child is out of education?)
If your unable to do anything now, I’d sit back and watch karma take its course!