AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

Sorry you lost me at he read her bank statements. You chose to get with some one that already had a child. And he has to pay for that child.

If the child is old enough to find the form they may well be old enough to contrived a way for the father to see the bank statement.

Thats nasty and vindictive, it would also be a malicious report which would not put a spotlight on her but it would put one on you and could be used as part of a harassment/stalking case against you.
The dwp would check her bank account and record it as malicious report on her file and then ignore any other reports from you

Jesus Christ it's really not difficult to read the OPs posts only, if you can't be bothered don't write such stupid posts. Her ex and childs Dad is dead.
Such a nasty tone to a lot of these posts.

Report her and your husband needs to revisit the financial arrangement. You should not be funding her choice not to work full time.

Report her for what exactly?

It depends on what the total is but if the 'thousands' in savings are above the limit she can have and claim UC I would report it.

And if not reporting it I at a minimum would revisit the financial arrangement that allowed my ex a life of leisure, while barely working and while I was struggling to make ends meet.

OP already said it was under the limit , otherwise she would’ve reported her.

I don't understand this situation at all. He continues to live rent free, you get his help with utilities, but you're both skint all the time?

Ok. I did not see that before posting. The rest still stands.

Hi op I understand why you’re angry she’s taking the piss out of you. She is probably thinking with 2 incomes you’re much better off than her but it’s obviously not the case. Now your dp knows she’s actually loaded compared to you he needs to step and say I’m already paying for 2 homes and over and above the cms I’m required to pay he needs to call her bluff and say if your not managing financially we should sell the house downsize then you will manage better as I can no longer afford it. He should say if the kids miss out on anything that’s on her because her lifestyle and lack of employment is the issue. He needs to be the one who puts a stop to her bleeding you dry or you tell him to move out and deal with his life as he wants but you are sick of the digs and her bank account growing while yours shrinks. I would rather be single than paying for someone else’s life which is better than mine tbh.

I'm confused, yiu say partner splits all the household bills with you apart from mortgage payments, yet you are only just breaking even each month?. If your partner didn't stay with you, you would be paying all the bills yourself which surely would be more expensive for you?.
If your partner is still paying the full mortgage on his marital property, he then has a legal claim on that property. Depending on what legal financial settlement he has with his ex, he should not be giving her extra money over and above this.

He doesn’t have his kid/s full time so it’s only fair her pays for more than 50% of their care. He’s properly supporting his kids as he should be. His ex has chosen to play the system but that doesn’t mean he can abdicate his responsibilities.
You knew all this.

Well that’s true too. I mean I just don’t get this situation at all. I’ve been a lone parent for many years so understand OPs position. I just don’t get the DP and the ex situation.

This lazy ex needs to work more to fund her life style and stop crying poverty striken.

Are school trips and uniforms only her lifestyle and not the fathers?

Your latest post is even more confusing as it sounds like you were together when he was going through his divorce, yet earlier you said he thought his kids would have to stand up in court until you set him right.

The time line is very odd - if you were together when he was getting divorced and you stood by and let him take this terrible advice and did nothing, then you can't really complain that things are a shit show now.

But also, if I was with someone who would give up custody of their kids based on nothing but what he 'thought', even though you told him he was wrong, and he didn't even bother checking or availing himself of the information needed to prioritise his relationship with his children, then I'd bin him off at that point and not look back.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.
Your OP gave us the impression you wanted the money - the hurt feelings are because you don't have a life/can't splash the cash like she does, surely?

When the house the ex lives in is sold, will your DP get the money since he has been paying for the house?

Just tell her you are reducing the payments and let her take u back to court

He hasn’t been “paying for the house” he pays half the mortgage he is legally obligated to pay unless he wants the house he has a financial stake in to be repossessed.

@Lovingthesummersun1 , by allowing this guy to live with you while paying half the bills only, who you're subsidizing is him. He has significant financial obligations to ex and children. Your living with him with the pay half the bills only setup allows him to live away from his parents' home while not significantly raising his living costs. Do the kids stay at your place during his custody time?

Have you considered having him move back in with his parents since you say you were financially better off before he moved in? As a lone parent, your primary responsibility is your kids. If you can't afford to carry the weight that this guy brings with ex and children, maybe it's time to rethink this relationship.

I'd be far more concerned with your own situation than with hers tbh. You have a man living rent-free in your home! The bills are neither here nor there really- as far as your relationship is concerned, you have a cocklodger.
Added to that is the fact that even though he knew you, knew you were finding things hard financially, he still signed an order to give his ex wife loads of money without any kind of financial checks on what she had. So he knowingly chose a situation where you basically put him up, for free.
And on top of that, he's the kind of man who will go looking in his ex's private financial papers, and instead of being horrified, you're turning to ire towards her! This is such a shitty thing for him to have done OP- Surely you know that...

OP since she's better off than you, your DH needs to give her notice that he will reduce the payment and she can take him back to court if she doesn't like it or alternatively work a few extra hours, cf.

It’s likely on paper the ex is still worse off. Single parent on UC vs him living rent free on a good wage.

All that’s different is the ex managed to save enough money to buy a ok car should hers break.

Also ops partner has offered her more money but she doesn’t want it so he clearly has left overs. I think it’s more a case of op doesn’t know the truth over her partner finances.

No court would order him to pay for a home and maintenance to a level that he couldn’t rent his own place which is what ops said he said happened. Just because him and his ex agreed a court wouldn’t allow one to be destitute while making them pay a mortgage on a house they couldn’t live in. Mesher orders are very hard to come by to this extent.