AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

So she knows what money she’s mmm has coming in, manages to have a good time within her budget and save a little as a safety net for her and her child and you resent her for being more financially prudent than you?

he might have seen there was a bank statement on the side he didn’t have to read it.

So is your DP going to stop funding the above and beyond?

No we wanted them 50/50 but she only gives him 1 50/50 and withholds the others for when she works again you don't know the full story not all exs are sweet innocent beings who got screwed by the big bad male.

So she has savings now years after the divorce. That doesn’t mean she had them at the time when she said she was skint.

If she had no disabilities when her child goes off to uni the Uc won’t be enough to cover rent in a house so she will have to work more.

You’ve snooped on one bank statement where she has between 5-16k? Under 6 no deductions and between 6 - 16 they get deductions. You don’t know how she got that money or what it’s for, a second hand car for example can easily be 5k for a ok one.

Anything extra for the children he can buy or pay direct for regardless of his ex the children should still have what they need.

If you’re unhappy with the money in the house that’s between you and him not her.

Though you should be much better off if he is paying 50% of bills.

I think your partner was very naive during the divorce and is now paying the price. Divorce is not the time to have blind trust and "get it over with" and "not rock the boat".

It sucks that she lied and that she is not willing to provide her fair share. But how far is your partner willing to push back? If he isn't, there won't be a change. If he is costing you more money, then you should live separately. If he isn't, make sure your money is not involved with this

I don't understand how you know she lied. You don't know the source of the money or how long she's had it for.
Why are you following her on social media or why is your ex?
You're also going through her private financial papers, that's messed up.

You say you're financially in a tight spot but don't take rent from this man. That's an odd decision. You say it's because the money would just go around in the household finances. Why not take rent from him and pay off your debts, why are his problems all your problems. His ex wife was presumably once as in love with him as you are, your relationship might not always be so happy. Don't have regrets that you financially propped him up. If he walked away now would you feel hard done by?

He made the decisions he made when he got a divorce, more fool him, happy to hear his ex has savings.
Her finances are none of your business.

You having an issue with his ex expecting her children’s father having his children during 1 of her 3 shifts, while she has them probably every other day he works is actually insane. And now him moving in somewhere while your children are housed which means he cannot care for his own children anymore is next level.

I am not the one carrying around a pitchfork. Your focus is entirely on your anger with your partner's ex and not on the children. You are happhy that they are no longer going to have access to their dad. That says it all.

You’re not answering what everyone is asking.

your dp must now be in a position to have savings. He has no rent to pay, and has offered it to you. So, he has disposable money. Why can’t you use that to go out?

your op was incorrect and it’s what has got peoples backs up. ‘You’ aren’t subsidising ‘her’ whatsoever. You just want him to subsidise you more and less her.

NRTWT but have read op's.
So, you're better off than you were as he now pays half the bills and, for some reason, you don't want him to pay you rent. None of your money goes to the ex but you're angry that her lifestyle is better than yours with most of hers funded by her ex and benefits. What does he think about it all now he's calmed down? I think he needs to decide what to do with his money (go to her, save it, spunk it) and then you can decide whether that works for you - you have choices. He sounds a good dad tbh. It might be worth backing off from seeing her though if it makes you angry.

Yes stay out of if.

If he didn’t do his homework when agreeing the finances for his divorce, that’s on him.

And you’ve said you don’t want “rent”
from him because you want to make sure he never has a claim on your house, not any other reason.

Plus it sounds like your DH had a decent relationship with his ex and his child, why would you want to chuck a grenade at that.

Of course he could go and see a solicitor to see what could be done, but if she’s on UC it’s unlikely to change much and will lead to a huge amount of bad feeling.

Personally in your/ his position I’d be laying the groundwork for what happens when his DC leaves home, and maybe agreeing with his ex that some of the money could go into a uni/ deposit fund for the next few years. But I absolutely would not be getting involved with him and his ex. No good will come of it.

What do you mean by “our money”? Surely you are talking about DP paying for his child?

Do you mean he’s asking you for top ups to make these various payments if he’s short? If so, you are being taken for an absolute mug.

He is sitting pretty isn’t he? He gets to ensure his child gets everything they need and a mother who is largely available. This is only possible because he is shacked up with you.

Again you don't know the full story and I'm not obligated to give it to you.
I was sympathising with the OP, this is not my thread so I won't be disclosing more but you honestly have zero idea.

This is an exceptionally nasty post and pov. He isn’t ‘babysitting’, he is ‘parenting’ . And it’s disgusting to be delighted that your partner won’t be able to have his children once you move.

I sometimes wonder where that evil stepmother trope originates...

She’ll presumably get half the house funds so won’t be eligible for UC.

He should stop funding all of the extras. DC is old enough to understand that mum’s on holiday all the time and that’s why it’s not affordable.

OP needs to have a serious chat about what’s going to happen once his house is sold. Does she want to buy together then?

If you believe she’s committing fraud you could report it. No doubt it’s possible to do that anonymously.

Outside of that, stay out of it. You just need to accept that your partner’s commitments to his child are fixed expenses.

Amazing from the tiny bit I posted you assumed all that.
Incredible talent.
But you have no idea. But as I'm the partner of a man in that situation that you know nothing about.. I'm the bad one..
Mumsnet you never disappoint.

Edited, misread

If she could get a mortgage or buy a small flat outright they will disregard the savings for a couple of months I believe knowing that it came from the divorce and is for a purpose such as housing.

or she just wouldn’t be entitled till the purchased goes though and then would be entitled again.

But yeah otherwise when she gets it no more Uc. But then I’m sure op will be mad she’s got 50%.

Babysitting is how SHE treats it not me.
But please attack me further when I am already suicidal over my situation.

Again for those that have trouble with comprehension:
This is not my thread.
I was sympathising to en extent with the OP
As it's not my thread I'm not obligated to give you in depth details on the full situation.
You have assumed so much from one small snippet.

You have no idea.

The logic of this is that you could just about afford to live BEFORE he moved in. So his money should be extra.

A father funding his child with his own finances is his responsibility and none of your business. It’s between him and his ex wife. Surely you had to be aware of his circumstances before you both decided to move him into your home? Where was he living before, if alone then he would have needed to pay rent unless he was living rent free with relatives? Also as previous posters have mentioned surely you were able to afford your household outgoings before he moved in so how is it you are worse off now you are living together? If you are funding him then he needs to stop moaning to you, he needs to speak to his ex wife and sort out his finances himself instead of expecting you to cover his share of your household bills. Until then nothing will change, as you say he’s afraid of rocking the boat with his ex.

You’re just jealous, there is a financial order in place, the court clearly felt it was fair, it’s done. He has to pay, how much she now has is irrelevant,

and your story is muddled, you start off saying you don’t expect money for rent as he can’t have a claim then you say it’s as he’s none and he’s giving it to her. then you say it’s as the money it’s shared, which means you’re just pissed off.

he should never have read her bank statements, that’s fucking heinous. Her financial situation is none of his business whay a horrible man, and then he told you, and the two of you want to breach the order as you’re both so jeakous.

But once we sell we will be moving to my parents where his kids won't be able to go. That's what I'm holding out for. Then that will disrupt her routine and I won't have to see them myself.

There's no assumption, it's right there, you wrote it. You're being judged on what you said, not on your husband. You.