AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

were you better off before you met him/ moved in with him?

Your DP has been taken advantage by her lies. Now he just follows the court order to the letter - its as simple as that.

If he can't afford uni savings (and many parents can't) then he doesn't save. If he can't afford the school trips then his DC don't go. Simple.

What I would be doing is setting up a rental agreement and charging him rent. Other than that I'd send him back to his DM because this situation will bring about resentment and contempt.

I realise that you're annoyed with her lying but tbh to me this sounds like misdirected anger at your DP for getting himself in this situation in the first place.

And if its any consolation once the DC turn 18 she's going to find herself on harder times.

I do understand shes doing more than weekend childcare...alone. Ive also been there but as a sole parent (not a single or co parent, theres a big difference ) when my kids dad died. No financial or emotional support or a break at weekends so please dont assume I have no idea what she has to do day to day 24/5 when Ive done it 24/7 for years.

What kind of stipend are you referring to?

Because when they split he was under the impression that to have a custody arrangement the kids had to stand in court and be questioned and he didnt want that. Ive since put him straight on that and he regrets not doing it. Too late now

Rubbish, they divorced because she wouldn’t support her own children yet he agreed to pay half the mortgage until the youngest left full time education and lives far enough from his ex and children so that he “can’t” actually care for them that much?
This guy has been feeding you nonsense after nonsense.

@starcourt there used to be some sort of additional support for children whose parent had died, i dont think OP will get it as the stopped it a while back

He had a solicitor didn’t he? So where did the false impression come from? Why didn’t he go back to court once you corrected him?

He didn't want them to be upset by court, so he left them to struggle emotionally and educationally; but the thing that's royally pissed him off is £5k?

His lack of action is ongoing, though. If she moved a man in, he could have taken things back to court, because that ends the order.
As said, this is all going to unravel once she is no longer entitled to maintainance and you need to have reassurances that he isn't going to be a soft touch again.

Because when they split he was under the impression that to have a custody arrangement the kids had to stand in court and be questioned and he didnt want that.

Really? He spins many a pretty yarn doesn't he.

Does he ever pay less for his share or says he’s short so you have to pay for his stuff?

So if he's paying household bills on top of the mesher order and ad hoc things - he is funding the ex but just not as official "spousal maintenance".
I have to say, and though it may not feel much like this, that there isn't much difference in terms of "how comfortable you are really" between £1000 savings and £6000 savings. Both could be written off very quickly with bad health problems/car troubles. So while you may resent her lifestyle (and she sounds very shortsighted in her work/pension ambitions) the only thing you can really change is how much he gives her.
So, to paraphrase a well known MN phrase or saying, you don't have an ex problem, you have a DP problem.

5k is hardly life changing money though is it? That sounds like her safety net. She is losing the house soon so presumably saving. Why can't he pay you rent. You can put it into a savings account? Get contracts signed up to say he has no claim on the house. If he is paying half your bills your costs are lessened.

So less than 16k - but has she reported this money? If you have more than 6k, UC is reduced by X amount for each extra £250 you have.

Your DP shouldn’t be paying for all those extras if he’s giving her an appropriate amount of child support money.

I totally agree . OP didn't break her partner's marriage up , so why are so may PPs having a go at her. It seems that many come on here just to have a go at whoever they feel like, and it can be anyone . One starts and others follow 🙄

He can still ask for more access to them now and go to court if she refuses.

He’s sounding more and more like a wet blanket every time you post.

He is feeding you BS somewhere here OP and I think you know it. Why you are with him is confusing to me as I am not sure he brings much to your life.

I had to sit through 1.5hrs of a man explaining to another male passenger on the train how he had to "play the game" so his ex and kids only got £30pw while he has apparently 1.4mil on his books for next year through work as well as paying for his new Hungarian maid/gfriend who cooks and does for him. Why do so many women get taken in by these self-aggrandising pricks and have kids with them? Baffling.

He should be making those payments regardless of how much money she earns. It isn’t a legal obligation, but it is what good non-residential parents do.

Personally I would be terrified to only have 12k in savings. I don’t know why you think it means she is flush. I know it’s a number some people can’t even imagine achieving. It is also a number easily wiped out by one major home repair or car issue.

You make choices by not having your partner contribute to the household and pay rent. If you are essentially subsidizing his ex-wife with those choices, I think you should reexamine them. He should be paying his full share in the household. If he can’t do that, he shouldn’t be living there.

Had no idea, thanks for clarifying.

Who doesn't he go back to court and ask for a variation of the order.
The child is now older the mother could work full time and he still can't afford to rent independently

https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment/what-youll-get

I believe the poster was referring to bereavement payments.

It seems unfair now, but long term you are far, far better off. Pensions etc.

At least your DP can stop the extras now.

So you were both married before; he made a fair/generous arrangement for leaving his wife, you had a less favourable arrangement with your ex (no mention of what you get in here but implied). Perhaps you need to revisit your settlement with your children's father?

She's a widow . Please read the thread before commenting!