AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

Why shouldn’t he though? Any functioning adult with children is well aware that the amount of child maintenance doesn’t come close to the actual financial reality of raising a child. Anyone except an utter deadbeat understands if they want their child to have access to a good standard of living, clubs, trips etc the CM payment isn’t paying for those things.

He could have very easily looked this up in seconds online and seen this wasn’t true. I’m sure free legal advice would tell his this too, if he was actually bothered about having his children more. Seems like a very convenient excuse.

I’d do a couple of things - I think a financial order can be revisited in court if there is a significant change in circumstances so I think I would get legal advice to explore that as a first port of call. Perhaps in light of new circumstances the best thing is if the house is sold, equity split and he just pays maintenance plus any extra that he chooses to pay (but with no obligation/expectation)

depending on the amount in the bank she could also be fraudulently claiming UC.

You have my upmost sympathy as we were in a similar situation - busting a gut to live while DH was covering all his exW living and housing costs because she was choosing not to work because she wanted to study (wouldn’t we all like to chose not to work to do something we like better?!). I used to get absolutely incandescent with rage about it (whilst working a full time job, paying bills and mortgage, having a severe health condition, having our own kids plus step kids 40% of the time).

In my case I definitely also had a DH problem - he was scared of her after years of domestic abuse. Took a long time for him to be brave enough to get it properly and fairly sorted out.

The kids have a stable roof over their head with one of their parents is the benefit.

But you resent that.

You resent that she's not easing his burden so he can take you out and you guys do stuff. That's not her problem. He signed off on the divorce settlement. I would bet there's a good reason he signed off on that.

He lived with his parents for 4 or 5 years and has no savings?

He could get a second job if you want these extras so much. Or split and find someone who will give you more financial security.

Her bf's might be paying for the evenings out and trips. But that's not your business. You comparing your situation to hers is useless and causing you issues.

He sure sat on his ass during their split. He didn't do his due diligence or there's a big something you don't know. And if his ex is such a poor mom as you imply, why isn't he taking her to court for more custody?

I don’t get why he needs to be paying all this money. Can’t you find out what he would be asked to pay if it was made formal and just stick to that.

Why would she have no money? She will have a share (probably at least 50%) of the equity in the house. She might be able to downsize and buy a new property or rent something. She might have a new partner by then. 🤷‍♀️

It depends on what is in the order. Mine didn’t state that but many do.

I am not sure if OP has seen the order. So he could be paying until DC complete uni. He might have agreed to get less than 50% of equity in exchange for no pension sharing order. So many variables aren’t there?

I think this man has behaved very honourably towards his wife and his children. Shame we can’t say the same for his behaviour towards OP. It’s clear where his priorities are and that’s as it should be.

Now OP says she gave him an ultimatum and he has said all the money will go directly to his DC rather than via XW. So no actual difference to OP is there?

It's idiotic, isn't it? People begrudging a woman for winning a good financial deal in court and managing to have some savings.
Waiting for her to get her comeuppance, because she's worked out an arrangement that suits her.

A person cannot claim UC if they have 16k or more in savings

If she has a 14 year old child, UC will be hounding her to work around 40 hours or have a certain amount of earnings.

Once a child turns 3, you’re expected to work 30 hours or earn a certain amount. So either she’s on a very good wage or you’re exaggerating that she only works 16 hours.

Kindly, your dc are not your partners responsibility. I would not provide for stepchildren.

This. What will she have in the future though? A decent personal pension, bills that are split with a partner, earnings that will increase over the years? It’s a known fact that single people pay at least £800 more each year in bills, mortgage etc than a couple. Live and let live. Your good times will come.

Seek legal advice to see if can apply to chnage the order due to financial hardship?

Exactly this. If he's stupid enough to agree to an unfair split of assets in a legal document then all you can do is make sure that he pays not one penny more than the legal order says, and pray that your shared children are an order of magnitude less thick than their father.

It’s not too late. Either he had a spectacularly shit solicitor or leaving the kids with his ex suited him and continues to suit him. Which is it?

If she is such a useless boozy sponger then he needs to go back to court and ask for more access or that the kids come
to him full time. Then he could also insist that he stops paying her mortgage and/ or other things. She can sell the house and get something smaller/ cheaper and he can get his own place for a few years. What he can’t do is moan about her, the money, her nights out, her parenting, the house and everything else but not do anything concrete about it.

I’m really sorry about what happened to your DH but I think for your own mental
health as much as anything you need to just look at your own finances, check that you can afford your own life, get a reasonable contribution from your partner and not pay the ex’s finances another thought.

So what’s the situation in 4 years? They have to sell the house? what split of equity have they agreed? I mean the ex is going to have a massive shock when she works out she can’t run a house on her income, if I was her I’d be back full
time now. Can she even buy a house with 50% of the capital?

No, that has royally pissed both of us off too but nothing we can do about it as they have school etc where they live. We have tried on that front believe me. The money lies just compounded the lack of giving a shit about anyone else that is the exW and has been the final straw

No problem, good idea. If you could just install me a direct line to heaven or wherever I'll go ask my kids father for the updated payments. Please read the previous replies Ive given on this point rather than jumping in and me having to keep repeating about the loss. This is not the point of the post. The point of the post is being frustrated on the low morals of the exW who would rather see my DP worked to the bone than work longer hours and provide properly for the DC alongside him despite not being as poor as she keeps telling us she is.

Why/how is she allowed to work 16 hrs

I have to work 30 hrs and have a child at school. And fair enough but if I don’t uc blood moan at me

he was stupid to not check her financial stuff when divorcing

uou should be better off as he’s paying towards bills

OP doesn’t appear to know. Obviously it could be 7/8 years if the MO states maintenance is payable and house will be sold on completion of HE as many do.

So you want him to support your kids more than his own, your really fucked off that your kids dad died. He lives with you and yours, you dont want him to pay rent because it will give him a stake in yoir home but you shit on his ex for what? She has done exactly what she would do, not her fault or her kids. His kids have 2/14 days with their father but you have him parenting yours 12/14.

I really think that you need to go back to court for a variation on the basis that she lied during the original negotiation.

Might not work but it will show her you are serious about her piss taking.

Pretty much this here too. Hes got a lot better with standing his ground and his rights now and enforcing boundaries. Took a long time though for him to believe he could say no and her resulting actions / anger wouldnt affect him as he wasnt near her in person. The first time I got him to say no he was physically shaking

It was a spectacularly shit solicitor

🤣 not sure where you got all that from! None of that is what I said. I dont want the money he gives his kids which everyone seems to think is my goal. As I've repeatedly said. The issue is my DP is working in a manual job sometimes doing a 50 hour week to ensure he can cover the bills she needs and any extra as she always says shes short, then we find out shes sitting on plenty and not on the poverty line like she claims. Its a moral issue not a 'in want his money for my kids because im bitter'. I dont want to see him drop dead from a heart attack from overwork when she refuses to work more than minimum to ease some of the pressure on him.
Im not sure why reading comprehension is so lost on some here!

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I’m repeating information you’ve already been given.

Your partner can ask the CMS to take into account the bills he pays for the benefit of the former family home to see if that impacts the monthly sum he is required to pay. If the CMS is recorded in the actual court order that would only be binding for 12 months from the date of the order and then it is open to either party to seek an assessment from the CMS which may lower his obligation.

Im not suggesting for a minute that he shouldn’t spend his money on the children but it may be nice for him to have the money in his own pocket to spend on them / do activities with them rather than simply handing it over to their mum.