AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

Who pays mortgage on ex's house, and who gets what proceeds when its sold?

You did say 'I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head' so to be fair it sounded like you were divorced rather than widowed.

There's a lot more I wont go into here about the child's emotional and educational support (or lack of) whilst with the mother. My DP has tried to talk to her about it but it falls on deaf ears.

Oh right, so half of: school trips, clothes, shoes, hobbies/sports/subs, haircuts, glasses, bus pass, books. That's not mad. That feels pretty ordinary.

But why is he paying half the mortgage??? Unless he was actually pretty well off at the time of the Mesher courts generally order that the parent/mother staying in the home pays the mortgage and bills

Which is always a good reason to store some savings in cash. Fuck the government knowing every penny I have.

You’re focusing your energy on the wrong things. I’d sit down and look at what you can do to improve your situation. Downsize? Move area? Change job? Sounds like you already had massive resentment towards her before you snooped on her bank statement. She negotiated her position with her husband in the divorce. They agreed to it, that’s her deck of cards that she has for the next four years. Sounds like she used it wisely ! She didn’t keep her husband but she has the children’s roof over their head, the childrens needs are well taken care of, and sounds like she’s balanced work and savings smartly, allowing her to be there for their childhood etc. I bet her being at home has worked well for childcare/no fees to pay & for medical appointments, school events etc. In 4 years she will have to sort her home out (guessing it will be sold) and her long term outlook may not look as positive! Your husband is paying the mortgage which will financially benefit him in the long run. If you are not happy with your lot because you want to build a life with someone with more financial freedom then you need to think about that. Otherwise I’d say you need to suck it up for next 4 years. You can’t admit that you saw the bank statements because that is outrageous that he read them in the first place. It clearly wasn’t the form he was looking for, he should have dismissed the letter straight away !

I am always a bit baffled by people who have more kids with a bloke whos already paying out as much as he can afford for his existing kids. I'd have run a mile. Very few blended families are comfortably off, both partners usually end up with more kids than they can afford

It was just easier than an extra paragraph explaining my background which wasnt relevant to this post. But I guessed some Mnetters would bring up the question somewhere about why isn't my kids dad helping! This post was about being angry that the exW is lying and taking advantage of my DP whilst not doing what she can for her own kids. I dont say that as a bitter widow or step mum, but as someone who cant even envisage not wanting to do the best I can for my kids through working hard etc when shes not interested in doing that, while my DP works himself to the bone every day to support her when she doesnt need as much support as she claims to. (He does a physical job and some days hes so tired he can barely stand up when he gets in. I hate seeing him like that just trying to do the best for his kids when she refuses to work more to ease his burden and support the kids equally - this was also one of the reasons they divorced, and no its not just what hes told me, shes backed that up too that money was an issue and he 'didnt earn enough' but she didnt want to work more hours. Child care wasnt an issue why she had to work less, my MIL did it all and still does some).

I mean yeah why doesn't everyone just quit their job and go on benefits.
🙄

How do you know she hasn’t taken a loan out or just penny pinching in other areas?

UC won’t be that much as they don’t cover mortgages and she obviously doesn’t need childcare (if she’s only got the 1).

She’ll be getting about £600 a month from UC and then her job income and whatever DH is giving her.

It’s quite easy to work out how much she roughly gets every month and I’m surprised DH hadn’t considered this.

Unless DH is paying her over half his income then there’s no way she’d be better off financially than you.

DH needs to work it out and reduce the amount.

Why she does it it’s irrelevant. The fact that you don’t understand it’s irrelevant. You chose this.

Are your finances joint? You keep refusing to answer.

Under 6k or under 16k? Sorry if I've missed it.

She said she cant afford that. Thats why he offered to keep paying half. Thats the whole point of my post. She clearly can and is just seeing off my DP to her benefit. The kids dont see much of it. They dont get taken out by her for meals out, hols etc. It is just her and friends/ current bfs that go out. If she did do stuff with her kids too I wouldn't be so annoyed but she tells them she cant afford to do days out with them (and its not because we have them weekends. We're flexible with it, if she wanted them one weekend every now and then to go out its not a problem. But she doesnt)

...do you understand that "doing more hours" may not bring her more income (under UC rules) and that she is having to do more than weekend childcare etc. .alone?

Could it be she was encouraging you to use the 16hr rule as so many parents do? If you are saying how strained you are to her?

At least it sounds like you’ve got a decent man there.

Ah, Schroedinger's ex - simultaneously a terrible and damaging mother, but not so terrible to go for 50/50 custody 🙄

Household bills are but we have our own accounts too. I dont want to have no financial independence myself, too old in the tooth for that

But back when it was signed off assumably she couldn’t afford it.

A judge won’t give one person everything and leave the other destitute even if you both agree to it.

She might have more money now but that doesn’t mean she lied back then.

I dare say it seems more like your partner has more than he is letting on. No judge is signing to say she gets the house paid for to live in while he cannot afford to rent somewhere. It’s just not how it works. He would have had to of been seen to be in a much better financial position.

We dont have kids together. Not sure where i said i did 🤷‍♀️ Neither of us wanted more when we met

YANBU to resent it.

Are you out of pocket because of his financial commitments to his ex and DC? If this is so, are you funding his family and ex as well?

I get it @Lovingthesummersun1 I have an ex who lied about money. More fool me for believing him.
On a brighter note, in 48 short months your dp can make his last payment, get his house on the market, invite his dc to come and live at your place.
Then he only has to communicate via solicitor and estate agents.
4 Christmases. It will fly by.
The only thing that puzzles me, why is she barging into your house? How?
Be a bit more pro active stopping this!
Let her knock, you call the dc loudly, or have them ready waiting. Put a chain on the door.
Every time you see her it is like picking at a sore. Stop letting her have that power over you. Have a fake phone conversation, bend over a washing pile so she is talking to your arse. If she is in the habit of enjoying crowing over you, quit letting her. Shake things up. Stop engaging. You are not passive or a victim.
Best of luck going forward x

As a step parent myself can I say that you sound fucking awful.

Those poor kids being treated like a total encumbrance.

And it's called parenting not babysitting.

Sit tight and watch as she’s screwed when the house is sold in 2 years or a little longer if DC goes to uni and she has no way of properly supporting herself. If she is as you say she sounds deeply unpleasant.
She should be working full time too, I see why you’re aggrieved.

Why has he left the children with an incompetent mother?