AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

The fact that hes living with you and yours means that his 50 hours a week is going on your kids upbringing, he sees his kids EOW, if he drops dead his ex will have to raise his kids without a partner. You won't charge him rent because it will give him a stake in yoir home, but you moan that he spends his money on his children. Your kids not having that isn't his ex fault. His kids and the agreement existed before you and your kids entered their life. Can you not see that his choices are his, his ex is looking out for her kids and he will get equity when the MO ends.

@Lovingthesummersun1 He needs to stop being a wet lettuce. Tell exw that from now on he can't pay any more than his legal responsabilities. She will have to fund any extras. Cheeky and entitled. I would be fuming.

But your partner knew he was moving away from his children and his children’s school when he chose to move in with you, you’re acting like this man had no say in his life. He also lived with his parents for 5 years and saved nothing before moving in with you?

It’s also likely the required CM figure will have decreased from his choice to move in with you and your children so it seems reasonable for him to cover some extras.

A wet lettuce because he pays for his children’s school trips in lieu of caring for them for any great part of the week?

Do you only cover your legal responsibilities to your child/children (if you have any)?
I believe my legal responsibilities are to provide food, clothes and shelter; but I'd feel a spectacularly shitty parent if I held that line 😞.

He can't do both!

If he has them 50/50 (which it sounds like mum wont want as no CM would be payable) he can't afford to pay for them. If he has to pay then he has to work.

So which is it to be?!

Oh dear, you’ve not got an ex wife problem, you’ve got a feckless DP problem. For the courts to award a Mescher order he would have had to have a lawyer on his side advising him of his rights. No Judge in the land would award such an order unless one of the divorcing couple had a very high salary - in the realms of £100k+. Even more unlikely if by doing so it meant he could not afford to house himself. It just wouldn’t happen. If he chooses to lie down and let her walk all over him then he’s the fool.

I can understand why you are pissed off but you are angry at the wrong person because you partner is still overly considerate towards his ex

this won’t change do yourself a favour and move on

Am I missing something?

If you can’t afford to pay it go back to the court and ask for a variation?

Posters like you are irritating when they respond to others to have arguments but don’t respond to posts that offer genuine solutions!!!!!

you say half of the bills - what bills?!

I think your DP is right to decline any requests for extra cash going forwards as he is paying a lot. Maybe he should be clear with his DC what he pays for - and say he does that so that ExW should have enough to provide for his DC. As others have said he can take his DC shopping for things if needed. If it’s a school trip, I’d ask to pay school direct and not hand over the money. The four years will soon pass ….

So how is his situation going to change if, as you say, he will be paying for these “extras” directly through the DC rather than through his XW?

He can’t care for them 50/50 because he moved into his GF’s house which is too far away!

Working is not an obstacle to 50/50 parenting, many women work full time and they don’t see their children a few days a month.

Do you genuinely believe this?

The household bills and other items, are they ordered or is it voluntary? I was referring to the other payments when I said spousal maintenance, he is maintaining her financially.

You're really directing your ire at the wrong person here, she's way down the list behind your DP and his solicitor.

I still struggle to comprehend how this financial order got through several hoops with a man working himself to the bone in a 50 hour week in a manual job unable to put a roof over his own head is making non essential payments for his ex wife's household bills, and yet, here you are because she's got £6k in a bank somewhere.

You also knew all of this, all of it, when you started your relationship and futher, went on to move him into your house. You're not the victim in this. Neither is he.

Get some perspective, it will do wonders for your blood pressure.

Yeah I mean it’s kind of crazy OP doesn’t understand the long term financial implications but it seems like her DP and the ex don’t either! It’s all quite seat of the pants. I’d be going back to court for a variation hearing if I was him.

@YourLoftyCyanZebra

”your really fucked off that your kids dad died”

how callous are you?? What is your problem?

I do understand the long term implications. I have seen the order. I know how it all works legally. I tried to advise my DP on what he was agreeing and the risks as his solicitor clearly wasnt advising properly (and yes I do know how the system and dealing with legal issues all works, how I know is not relevant to this post so dont event ask as i know some of you will). However, as everyone likes to point out, the divorce was not my business so I let him make his own decisions and tried to guide him. If I said here that I told him what he had to agree to or not Id be getting bashed for poking my nose in and trying to stop the exW getting 'what she deserves'. Yes they were shit decisions he made, yes weve had disagreements about the shit decisions, yes he realises that now, but as the saying goes, you can take a horse to water...
They were both people who had never dealt with lawyers before (she was even asking DP what she needed to do when her solicitor emailed her), DP had no ideas what level of advice he should have expected. He is more savvy now as I have explained it all to him now we're more established in our relationship he listens to me more and reads up on it.
Not sure why everyone wants to know the exact contents of the order, thats not for public discussion and absolutelynot relevantto this post. The crux of my issue is simply that the exW is happy to let my DP work crazy hours to support two households (and to stop any comeback on that point, yes I do support my own household but he lives there so he does too) yet asks him for more money, whilst knowing she can cover whats shes asking for yet she wont and lies about being skint. Its a simple moral issue and that she gives no shits about her DC's father as long as shes ok. That is not right and that's what im angry about.

OK. You say you are angry about this, but will it make any material difference to you if he’s paying for things like school trips and new trainers directly to the school/kids rather than giving the money to XW? That is what you said is going to happen now.

Or will you genuinely feel better if he’s turning his kids down and they are walking around in holey clothes and shoes? You haven’t struck me as that kind of step parent but maybe I am wrong.

XW will continue to say she can’t afford things and that their father clearly can as his outgoings at yours are minimal. He won’t want his DC to think he is spending money on you and your DC to their detriment.

@Lovingthesummersun1 FGS then he needs to negotiate! He needs to tell her that things need to adjust OR he is going to apply for a variation.

or the ex could work more hours like the rest of us (lone/single parents)

Absolutely this. Fucking hell, we really expect nothing from Father's do we? Just the basic 'legal responsibilities'.

He couldn't get to court to rescue his children from emotional and educational neglect, but he can go for a variation now his ex has £5k in savings? He needs to go and have a word with himself about what is important.

If your partner is such a financial drain that you were better off before he moved in, send him back to his parents' place.

You're here bitching about his financial obligations that he freely entered into. He sounds like a good dad who's making sure his kid is provided for and your resentment of his giving his child's mom money when she asks, you're displacing your anger at him for not inproving your lifestyle onto her.

She's managed to save some money in the years since they split and how much she has is none of his or your business. She's under the amount for UC. You also said he said she has a tiny pension. WhT about his pension? If he was living with his parents for 4 years while dating you, why wasn't he able to put some money aside in savings? Was it all going on you and his kid? Or is he putting money into savings or his pension and blaming his poverty on his ex wife and child?

If you're so unhappy with the sums he's giving his ex for his kids, break up. If you're worse off with him that without, break up.

OP, your own children's father has died, you are their sole security and you are housing this man for free.
So what if he pays towards utilities.
Can you really not see how this is not in your childrens interest? Or yours.

@Coralsunset One positive is that he'll know that the money is actually being spent on the child/children.

It's possible that he pays less for extras if he's paying the actual cost of them - or it might not make much difference, but at least he'll know that his child is getting the money.

Perhaps giving them an allowance might be the logical way forward @Lovingthesummersun1 i.e., your DH works out how much they might need for extras and then give the teenager a monthly allowance directly into their bank account. It'll help to teach them about money management too.