Evening Guests? Is this reasonable

[MyLusciousEx]

Could you help me with a list of what type of connection you have with the bride and/or groom to pop you on the Evening Invitee List.

Wedding is mid November - 300 miles (no location connection to couple) away and on a Tuesday.

60ish people invited to the day, about the same again to the evening. Plenty of room at the venue though it's pricey. Very few taxis available to a more reasonable lodgings - and I thonk closest are 15+ miles.

Abd yes I know it's not a Summons 😉

At a reasonably big wedding, our family (uncle, aunt, cousins), along with all other uncles aunts and 1st cousins on the groom’s side, at any rate. got asked along to the evening do only! Perfectly convivial relationships, no family feuds, or fallings out. We were all a bit surprised that even uncles and aunts didn’t make the cut, I must say!

I’d only go if say it was my old family town so could stay with parents and see them too as an added bonus to the trip.

but as a no car owner, places in the middle of nowhere with minimal and expensive taxi options is not appreciated much.

I’d only go if there’s a free bar!

Unclear OP, but the bride & groom are U to invite evening guests due to the cost for the guests with the distance and lack of transport & alternative accommodation.

The only time it's ever made sense to me to be an evening guest only was when a colleague of mine got married and invited our whole team (around 15 people) evening only. We all knew her super well, and each other, but none of us knew her family or her new husband's family. We all travelled out to the country house venue together, went to the ceremony to see her gorgeous dress, then took ourselves out for a long lunch we'd booked at a local restaurant while the day guests all went to the wedding lunch at the venue and went back to our hotel rooms for a snooze before the evening do.

We all had a fab time at the evening do with our colleague who could actually hang out with us and have a boogie once a lot of her family went home (the grandparents and families with kids). Then next morning we all met up for brunch with the bride and groom before heading home.

(That's been the exception rather than the rule though. Other times I've been an evening guest it's been lame, where I've showed up almost sober to a roomful of absolutely wasted guests, or stood awkwardly outside with other evening only guests because the speeches are running over and we're not allowed in yet. I've also had the opposite, invited to the whole day, but the only person I knew was the bride or groom and was sat at a table making small talk with people I'd never seen before or would again.)

I mean there has to be some kind of GOTCHA coming right?

If this is really the bride asking, cast your net far and wide if you want people to attend because it is a dumb day, too far away, inaccessible…people will not come in their droves. But I suspect you know that given how unappealing you have made it sound, that’s why I’m waiting for a reverse…

I was v pleased to be invited to and attended one wedding like this, of a cousin I didn’t know well and had rarely seen. Wanted to see other extended family (who lived much closer to the venue) and take the DC to the (beautiful) location.

But a guest only has a binary decision, go or not. Why the angst about the hierarchy?

I’d never have evening guests. If I didn’t value people enough to have them there to see me get married, I wouldn’t need them at the party.

We had 60 guests at our wedding, no evening guests. I’ve only ever been an evening guest once, to the wedding of a couple we met in our NCT class. Honestly, I wouldn’t invite randoms from NCT to my wedding, but I guess we didn’t cost anything (cash bar, no evening food, i didn’t even get a piece of cake!). I only went out of politeness and so the other mum from NCT who was going didn’t feel awkward.

I would only travel 300 miles for a wedding if I was invited to the whole thing.

Even if I was invited to the whole thing I would only travel 300 miles to attend on a Tuesday if it was someone I was fairly close to.

If you're the bride clearly you don't have much interest in these people so why are you wasting time thinking about this, there's enough to worry about planning a wedding. Just invite the people you want there (or are definitely obligatory invites) to the whole day and don't waste time, money or effort on evening guests.

@MyLusciousEx If I was the couple I wouldn't invite anyone for the evening only since it's so far away. They are probably aware people won't come but invite to the evening only so those people won't feel excluded (and might send gifts:).

If I was invited it would be a firm No thank you for obvious reasons.

Close family day
Distant cousins/aunts etc (if not in contact much) evening
Close collegues who are also friends day.
Wider team evening
Friends daytime
School mums evening

Also perfectly valid not to have them as evening guests at all as more distant connection.

I think they will be lucky to get that many turning up for a cold buffet on a damp Tuesday evening in mid November! Unless most of the invitees are local and live within five miles I think a lot of regrets will be winging their way back to the B and G.

It’s all very well saving a bit of cash by having a midweek winter wedding in the back end of no where , but I think the evening crowd will be sparse and leaving early.

I would get my “sending my best wishes but won’t be coming” response in early OP so they don’t need to include you on the wedding present list!

TBH I think evening invites to remote and inaccessible locations [ie not near where family and friends live] are ‘politeness’ invites. They don’t actually expect you to accept but they can feel better about themselves that they did invite you and you aren’t allowed to feel slighted that you weren’t [although we all know that is never the case].

In your shoes, I would thank them, decline and wish them well.

My friend was invited to a wedding “evening only” right at the other end of the country, in a really expensive hotel where there were few other accommodation options, and her 3 children (who were aged 12-15) were not invited. This was by someone who when she talks about my friend and her husband, refers to them as “our good friends”. She genuinely thought they would make the trip and was quite aggrieved when the invite was declined. Batshit.

My friend probably wouldn’t have made my A list for my wedding because number were limited and my extended family is huge. Because she also lives far away from me, she was not only on the A list, but she was given one of the subsidised hotel rooms. We also did the same for a couple who my parents wanted to invite because they had been friends for a very long time, had been invited to their daughter’s wedding, and lived very far away. My evening guest list was very extended family, work colleagues I was friendly with and uni mates I hadn’t seen for a while but who I keep in touch with.

I think it’s irrelevant - the answer is the same either way… if you’re the bride don’t expect people at accept, and if you’re the guest politely decline.

i read the OP that she’s an invitee and is miffed. The comment about how it’s 300 miles away but no tie to either the bride or groom sealed that for me.

OP - there’s no specific label on who would get those invites. It could be they could only afford 60 in the day, so they’ve gone for immediate family and very best friends only, then invited anyone else that they would have liked at their wedding had they been able to afford it. Or it could be they’ve said anyone they’re friends with but not best friends get an evening invite.

My cousin invited me to her wedding 200 miles away for just the evening do (she had been a full day guest at my wedding in our mutual home town so she had family she could stay with). I think it was a Friday night. I declined because it was too far to go for a single night, too expensive to stay over (seaside town during school holidays) and I didn’t want to take time off work for a wedding that I was clearly invited to out of obligation. I apologised profusely, wished her a wonderful day and sent a nicer gift that I would have afforded had I gone. No hard feelings either way.

If you don’t want to go, just politely decline. If the B&G get arsey you made the right decision.

if you are the B&G and you’ve already done your day list, just invite anyone you want there that isn’t coming to the day.

unless it was immediate family or a very close friend I wouldn’t be travelling 300 miles for a Tuesday wedding in November, day or evening,

I’ve been to a lot of evening dos through DHs work. His company was very big and it wasn’t unusual to get an open invite for work colleagues, might be an hour away. Just a night out really.

One of my ex best friends only invited us all to the evening do. It wasn’t far and a very large venue. Very few people went to the day part but all of the grooms friends did. It was basically the end of the friendship.

I wouldn’t travel for an evening do. I might have to DHs home town but we would have just combined with a visit.

In that situation, people you don't want to turn up.

Fine for local evening do's.

Driving 300 miles for an evening? Very few reasons I'd bother.

Nobody wants to be invited to the evening only. Just stick to all day guests.

At the last family wedding I attended, the day do was a very dull sit down lunch for family and the bridal party. I assume there was an evening reception but family weren’t invited and I’m guessing it was more fun!

Colleagues at work or a team sport.
Wouldn't dream of going.
Never had one myself.

I think a wedding on a Tuesday miles away from all connections suggests that some actually want everyone to come. I can’t imagine why else you’d have such an antisocial location or day.

300 miles as an evening guest is an insult. If bride and groom want to get married so far away from everyone it should be day guests only.

Yeah this was what my dsis and her husband did. They got married quite young and both invited their sports team mates and work colleagues- about 50 people in total plus adult kids of some family members who weren’t close to the bride and groom but fairly close to my parents. Most people came but they didn’t need to travel. Out of town people were either invited to whole thing or not invited.