Evening Guests? Is this reasonable

[MyLusciousEx]

Could you help me with a list of what type of connection you have with the bride and/or groom to pop you on the Evening Invitee List.

Wedding is mid November - 300 miles (no location connection to couple) away and on a Tuesday.

60ish people invited to the day, about the same again to the evening. Plenty of room at the venue though it's pricey. Very few taxis available to a more reasonable lodgings - and I thonk closest are 15+ miles.

Abd yes I know it's not a Summons 😉

I think you're delusional!

Well I'm pleased you enjoy it, but most times I hear about it, it is from people - like the OP on this very thread in fact - who had expected to be asked to the main event and feel hurt.

It seems to me a fundamentally flawed concept to divide your guests into tiers, and, yes, while it has always happened, I think it has very much taken off in recent years as couples seem to have felt the need to have an insta-worthy event with all the bells and whistles. I certainly hear about it more often.

My mother's favourite-ever wedding was in a barn with wildflowers decorating trestle tables. All invited and there was a spit roast.

It seems you have mostly gone to local weddings. My university friendship group was very international, and so only going to part of it would be quite an ask. Luckily most of us got married (just) before what I see as an increase in this approach.

You are the ex of the brides brother. It would be very strange to go. Decline and take her out for cocktails or dinner instead.

I’ll bet anything the brother will be very relieved and frankly no one expects people to travel to another country for a Tuesday evening event. It’s a token invitation and you’ll save yourself a lot of embarrassment with a polite decline!

Im guessing with your username you still hold a torch for him. Even more reason to decline.

I got invited as an evening guest to my only sibling’s wedding so I declined. I find evening only invites insulting at best.

I am not at all offended if I am invited to the evening part of e.g. my neighbour's daughter's wedding. It's a chance to see the dress, wish them well and have a glass of fizz. It's the modern day equivalent of standing outside the church and cheering.

Exactly. OP you are BVU this is your exs family and his sisters wedding. Under no circumstances should you be attending at all. Move on with your life.

Mumsnet bizzarely hates weddings and feels anything other than a cheapish do specifically for the guests, with an abundance of food and free booze with no dress code is the only acceptable type of wedding. Bonus points if they dint need to travel or provide a gift,

back in the real world, if you wish to go, go, if you don’t, don’t. But don’t get all weird about hierarchy, 60 people during the day can easily be family 30 each side, so 15 people and partners, maybe kids. It’s not much.

Also don’t get hung up on the I wouldn’t go brigade, they aren’t invited.

Give over, she still socialises with her.

That’s not the same as attending a wedding where the ex and all of the exs family will be.

We only had people at our day do that we had a close relationship with. So my one cousin was there but not another cousin. DH had a couple of colleagues. We couldn’t have really categorised them other than how often we see them and enjoy spending time with them.

Ahh just seen the update that the bride is your ex’s sister! I get that you have a close relationship with her however the comfort and enjoyment of the day for her family should be more important than you attending! I’m guessing your ex or his other family wouldn’t be happy with you there.
We didn’t attend one of my cousins wedding because our mums were estranged even though we had a relationship with the cousin. We all went out for a meal a few weeks after to celebrate. We weren’t in the slightest offended and completely agreed it wasn’t appropriate for us to attend as his mum needed to be able to enjoy the day! If you’re offended by not being invited to the day do that says a lot about you as a friend!

Do you know what the responses from invitees are? Just curious.

To be invited to the evening only, I'd put myself in the category of not a close friend, colleague, neighbour, distant relation. I'd say priority's been given to the important people in their lives.

I wouldnt travel overseas for just an evening bash.

Well the three of us were friends at senior school big close gang of about a dozen of us. 5/6 of us still close.

We married young, were married for 3 years and then amicably realised we were friends not lovers and separated. That was 20 years ago.

We still socialise together as a group and I am still included in major family events and parties etc. With his parents and new lovely wife.

So no my luscious ex is a more recent man.

I think evening guests are acceptable only if they live a reasonable taxi ride away. I would say colleagues, plus ones that you don’t know, parents’ friends.

Well she may have referred to you as 'bestie' when you and her brother were together, but if she hasn't invited you to the whole wedding and made you a bridesmaid, then irrespective of the situation with her brother, you are not her bestie and never were. You are her brother's ex. She had a great relationship with you when you were with him but now you are no longer with him you have been relegated to peripheral friend. Especially if he has a new partner who will be at the wedding with him and it's a relatively small affair.

This is her way of including you for politeness' sake, but not really expecting you to go.

Friends of the couple's parents are often invited to an evening reception round here. I think it's ridiculous when it far away (often in the middle of nowhere), but others seem to go along with it.

You said sending an invite which was impractical for many guests to accept was “polite”.

I think that is ridiculous. That isn’t taking things personally its telling someone "I feel an obligation to invite you but here is an invite which you are unlikely to be able to accept"

Just be honest and don’t invite people you don’t want or who are not high enough up the priority list to merit an invite to the wedding. If you do want them there then you at least invite them to something which makes a 300 mile trip mid week worth while.

If you wouldn’t invite someone to travel that far mid week for evening drinks with no additional hospitality provided then don’t pretend things a different because the drinks are for a wedding to which you are not inviting them. Pretending they can incur additional expense by making it a holiday is some kind of favour is delusionary.

you do you.

I've been invited to several similar evening-only weddings with groups of friends on the continent, I don't remember any drama and I think pretty much everyone came along.

A long weekend in Italy or Spain, how ghastly indeed 😂

The worst ones for travel were Scotland funnily enough. Beautiful but in locations harder to reach.

If you decide to be offended by an evening-invitation, because you are miffed you are not centre-stage at somebody else's wedding, be offended. Sounds a bit like a petulant child but who cares.

You would be more offended to get no invitation at all. Of course it's polite to send you something.

Pretending they can incur additional expense by making it a holiday is some kind of favour is delusionary.
who said "a kind of favour"? I just said that guests make the invitation what they like.

@ForeverNowWithin
In my last post I said we still socalise 20 years after we separated.

So I fail to see how you have surmised that I'm just peripheral

Of your friend group of 5/6 people, how many of you are invited?

I would see if the rest of the friendship group are going, work out the cost based on sharing accommodation. Then decide whether you want to go for a long weekend with your friends working around the wedding

Well the evidence we've been asked to consider would suggest that you are, I'm afraid. What other explanation makes any sense? It's not like her brother's new partner can't stand you or his new wife feels uncomfortable having you there. So it has to come back to the bride. As hard as it is to accept, you are not one of her priorities. That's really all there is to it.