AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

what "baton"?

All these people defending her - do you all truly believe it's okay to keep asking your child intrusive, personal questions for what must be at least 10-15 years?

A lot of people are ignorant of genetic dilution. Even someone who is obsessed with "the family line" needs to accept that their chromosomal patterns will be a droplet in the ocean after a few generations.

And don't even get me started on the illogical people who argue "your genetic line will end and that's bad" alongside "the future is going to be awful because people aren't having children". Oh no will your great great grandchildren not exist to suffer the end of civilisation what a pity.

Your mum can ram it. She wants the status of a million grandchildren to brag to the other old ladies about.

It does seem to me that the OP’s mother likes the idea of being a grandmother more than the reality. OP has said she’s not remotely interested in the young children in the wider family.

Oh my god. I don’t know anyone who thinks of grandchildren in terms of their genetic line, what weirdos do you hang out with? Everyone I know wants grandchildren because they are their baby’s babies.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I agree 100% with what you say. I shut down these kinds of arguments by reminding people that my taxes pay for their subs and handouts as parents but I get little back in return. Even the 25% off council tax still means that I subsidise families by paying 75% of what they do with one income.

Ive been through this with my own parents and constantly reminded that my golden princess sister had gifted them with two grandsons.It was instrumental in my moving to another city in my 40s to study and never returning to the city of my birth. I gradually dropped the rope until the time when my parents died - within two years of one another - we were semi estranged. No big bust up, just a gradual drifting away.

I know loads of women who will say "but if you don't have children your family line will END"

Clearly pp have similar experiences

Personally I always appreciated my mother's recognition that having children isn't an entirely good thing for women.

In other words

If you really love your kids it's hard to see how you can treat them like breeding farm animals

Which is...literally exactly what I said?

OP asked is she being unreasonable.
I don't think she's being unreasonable to have decided not to have kids.
I don't think she's being unreasonable to have becoming annoyed at her mum for continuing to pressure her.
I do think her mum is being unreasonable to keep pushing after being clearly told it's not going to happen and OP doesn't want to discuss it further.

I literally said that morally and intellectually OP is in the right, as much as anyone can be when all arguments have 2 sides.

Doesn't mean I don't also think OP could be a bit more sympathetic. Nobody on this thread has suggested that OP have a baby just to make her mum happy, but given that she has ASKED for varied opinions rather than those who agree with her personally I think that sending a cute baby photo of her mum's close friend's grandchild shortly after a fraught conversation about not having children herself wasn't ideal.

to be fair, it's a pretty common comment/advice on here too that 'I don't like other kids, only my own,' and 'You'll feel completely different about your own kids,' etc.

I think it's fair enough that OP's mum probably would behave and feel differently towards her own grandchildren that she could form a relationship with rather than a great-niece once removed she sees every 5 years.

Seems strange your mum keeps going on about it if she is not that keen on young children and doesn’t get involved with the ones already in your family. I love my granddaughters dearly but we have other interests and enjoy travel so although they and our daughters take priority they aren’t our whole life. One of our daughters chose to have kids and the other didn’t. Each choice is valid and theirs alone and we would never pressure either of them or even express an opinion on something so personal. I can see though if your mum had four children she might have expected grandchildren from at least one. As you say though pleasing your mum is not a good reason to have children you don’t want. Parenting is hard so unless you are both all in you are right to remain childless. Personally I would just ignore your mums comments as she will be going through a process similar to grief where her retirement is not to be what she expected. That is on her though and hopefully she starts to find other hobbies and interests or takes up travelling with your Dad.

Yanbu in terms of being extremely fed up of your mum's comments. I would agree with PP who suggested ending conversations/visits if she starts on with it. She will do it for the rest of her life if not, transitioning into "It's such a shame you never.." when you're menopausal.

I do find a bit hard to understand some of what you're saying about reasons for not being a parent, though. Obviously it's entirely your choice and it sounds like it's the right one for you and your partner and I do believe you feel entirely sure about that. But as a pediatrician who presumably comes across many families from all different backgrounds I don't know how you can suggest that you and your husband who is presumably also a doctor don't have enough money to have a child. How can that be true? I guess you know your circumstances best but.. who do you think does have enough money if you don't??

I also don't see how you can say you wouldn't be a good parent and you don't have the necessary qualities. You're a pediatrician, I'm sure you have many qualities which would make you a great parent and again I'm sure you come across all sorts of people who are parents who might not be the absolute perfect model of parenting but they're doing it and most people do their best. I just think, it's fine not to want to do it and it's an entirely legitimate choice but I find it hard to imagine many people who'd be better parents than someone of your background. I suppose you didn't go into details about in what ways you felt you wouldn't be good parents.

It's an interesting idea that there are some intrinsic qualities that might make someone a good parent or not. I guess it's only since people, women particularly of course, actually gained control over whether to have children or not that this is something people might reflect on much as previously it was just what almost everyone ended up doing. Which wasn't always for the best, evidently.
Anyway, just some thoughts that struck me. Good luck with DM.

Nobody is saying you owe her grandchildren @TwinklySeal That doesn’t stop her mourning the fact she doesn’t have them… surely you can see that both things can co-exist?

Your mum going on about you having children sounds really infuriating…i think you have to grey rock everytime. ‘Mum I’m not talking about this again. Now.. cup of tea?’