AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

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My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

You've heard what your mothers has had to say for a while now and its time for her to accept the matter is closed. But how? Any suggestions for the OP?

How her mother accepts and moves on isn't OP's responsibility. It's up to her mother to find other ways to make her life full and complete. That's not to say she can't be disappointed but she has to find her way to deal with her children's decisions to not have children. That's her job and responsibility.

I think you need to reread the OPs posts. She hasn't objected to ever being challenged. She's objecting to being consistently challenged, over the same subject - one that most people with an ounce of manners know is a sensitive one for many people - despite making her position clear, over many years.

I hadn’t seen about the dyslexia and apologise for that part of my comment. I agree that, as I’ve said before, you have a perfect right to make your own decision about parenthood and your mother should stop nagging you. However, I find it strange that you apparently can’t see why suggestions of fostering or volunteering at a children's home would not meet her yearning for grandchildren.

I don’t think most posters on here actually think you should change your mind just to please your mother; they are just perturbed at your apparent lack of understanding of why it’s such a disappointment to her. Comments like "Don’t have children if you expect them to give you grandchildren in return" don’t help.

A self centered one who can’t see that their child has career they love, a great partner and wonderful quality of life and is happy with their life as it is.
OP has told their parent that they have chosen not to have children (the decision has not been forced upon her/them).

I don't get this take. At a point we never wanted children but it was nice to show my mum pictures of our friends' children. Friends we grew up with. Shock horror sometimes I held them.

I like nice watches but wouldn't spend £50k on one. Does that mean I'm not allowed to take a photo of it?

OP doesn’t want children, what part of that is so hard for some to understand? It’s not because of her career, neurodiversity, lack of childcare or her age, she just doesn’t want them! She is reiterating her point because so many women cannot fathom that another woman wouldn’t want a child.

I knew I never wanted children from a young age, for me it would be a life of drudgery. At 46, I have no regrets. My sister also doesn’t want children, we both had a great childhood and are really close to our mum. We don’t seem to have whatever that hormonal, biological drive some women have. I’m thankful for that.

This. Personally I don't care about my lineage at a point of which I am, in fact, dead

I'd say you've already gone very wrong with that attitude.

You would be the sort of person who isolates their daughter if they're unable to beat children.

Women campaign for equality then scum like you pop in and put it back 50 years....

The analogy is more your MUM had always wanted a nice watch/handbag/trip of a lifetime to the Maldives etc, youve recently had a big argument during which you told her "mum just get over it, you are never going to get that watch, its just not something you can afford yourself or I want to buy you, you need to accept it and get on with your life."

Then a few days later send her a photo of her good friend wearing the watch with "look at what Evie bought Jane for her 60th birthday! Isn't it gorgeous!"

Can't you see how that miiiiiight be a little insensitive? Even though of course logically OP is under no obligation to spend her money buying her mum a watch and the mum is being a bit selfish to expect it?

Obviously OP cant avoid ever mentioning any kids to her mum for the rest of her life but this particular combination of being soon after an emotive discussion her mother specifically felt was "harsh" (albeit as I have said, probably deserved) plus it being the grandchild of her mums friend, was perhaps not the best.

BEAR CHILDREN. Lord above where's me readers

I get your analogy I suppose. I just think it's possible to like something but not want it yourself

I'm surprised by the number of comments here suggesting that the OP is being unfair or unreasonable here. Her mother is asking about her sex life, placing unreasonable expectations on her and trying to change her mind about something - all very unreasonable behaviours by the mother!

I can think of lots of parallel situations where people would be less inclined to be sympathetic to the mother - if she kept calling her daughter fat and getting upset about the possible health implications, would that be okay to keep fat-shaming the daughter? If the daughter was a lesbian, is she allowed to weep and wail about never getting to have a son in law?

Of course the mother is entitled to her feelings, she can't help feeling sad. However, she doesn't need to share this with OP and/or try to change OPs mind - she can seek help and comfort from elsewhere.

OP, I'm really sorry you're in this position where your own mother has reduced your role in her life to being a walking grandchild factory.

I'm a mum who loves her role and yet I applaud your decision not to have children - it takes an awful lot of time and energy to be a good parent and it does come at a huge cost to other parts of your life; every individual should be seriously weighing up the pros and cons for their personal circumstances before choosing to have a baby. Your story has made me realise I too will probably be upset if grandchildren aren't in my future - and the takeaway for me is that I must address that possibility in my own mind and ensure it doesn't become something I try to make my childrens' problem, even subconsciously.

Enjoy your life and I hope your mum can find a way to work through her feelings, for her sake and yours.

All the posters having a go at the OP are completely missing the point, which is that OP's mum has been subjecting her daughter to grandchildren talk for 10-15 years and making zero effort to understand her daughter. I'm sure OP was understanding to begin with, but her Mum has had plenty of time to come to terms with the situation.

That's not what I meant. OP needs practical suggestions for shutting her mother up permanently. If its possible.

I assume you want the money, career and prestige more

This is such a tedious (and somewhat insulting) assumption to make about women who are childfree by choice. Is it really so impossible to conceive (no pun intended) of a woman not wanting children for no deeper reason than she simply... doesn't want them?

Yes - there’s an implication that the OP is giving up having kids because she has other priorities.

When some of us just never got the urge to have kids. I can see how happy parenthood makes a lot of people & I’m very glad for them but I simply can’t imagine wanting that for myself.

And to be in a culture where I was forced to marry & have children whether I wanted to or not would be the stuff of nightmares.

It seems the stereotype of childfree by choice women all being hard faced career women is still alive and well.

I had experience with both mum and mil hinting constantly. Initially i had chosen not to have children and then I was facing infertility so the continual comments were both irritating and hurtful. It was always annoying to have to justify my choices. I have complete sympathy for you, your mother’s feelings are not your responsibility. Her comments, however, are not about her feelings. She is not saying ‘I feel sad about your decision’ she is demanding that you change the decision that you have told her you have already made.

Tempting as it is to give a medical excuse in my experience this just leads to more intrusive questions better to respond with eye rolls and ‘oh not this again mum’ or come up with a standard response like ‘when are you going to start volunteering at the nursery’ or similar which may just irritate her enough to stop asking or just ignore the question every single time and talk about something else. Do not discuss it any further with her because every time you do she will imagine your position can be changed. do however discuss with your siblings how annoying this behaviour is and how fixed in your position you are so that if your mother tries to discuss you with the siblings they can back up your position.

I choose to embrace the crazy cat lady stereotype instead.

My DM loved babies but very quickly tired of us kids when we all got older. Also from a big family and most siblings don't have DC. For those that do, parents have never visited GC. They stick to their own lives. One good thing about both DM and DF is they never put any pressure on us to have children. They really weren't that interested.

I'm not suggesting she should have to lie because of course her mum should accept the answer given, but OP saying she cannot have any would shut her mum up. It's an option.

My DH had a vasectomy after one and both our mums know this because we didn't want 7 years of "When is the next one".

I don’t understand the comments about “owing your parents”. I have 2 children, pregnant with my third - and if they grew up thinking they owed me anything, I’d feel like I’d let them down.

Having children these days is a choice. My children did not choose to be born. I chose to have children. They deserve the absolute best childhood I can give them, because that is what good parents do. They owe me nothing in return for that (although I do expect good manners and I would hope they will make an effort at school etc!!). Maybe I’d want them to have children or be doctors or pilots, and maybe I’d inwardly feel disappointed if they didn’t. But to persistently express that is so far beyond reasonable behaviour - I don’t think you’re in the wrong here at all! Your mum is reasonable to feel disappointed but wholly unreasonable to keep on about it and try and live vicariously through you.

It might not shut her up though. She might start going on about treatment options and “it’s amazing what they can do nowadays” and offering to pay for IVF. Saying her partner is having/has had the snip might be a better option.

Oh, yes, sorry - I meant telling her it's not possible as in she's been sterilised, husband has had the snip or similar. Not infertility.