AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

The same people who would say it’s good we live in an age where women have more choice than they did. Also want to tell me that I owe it to my mother for giving me life…..I didn’t choose to have life I was simply just born. Children don’t owe their parents anything, every parent wants their child to be a decent person who doesn’t cause any harm to society but other then that I don’t think children should ever owe their parents anything. As long as they’re not criminals etc why does it matter what choices they make if they’re happy with their choices.

I used to feel so sorry for a friend of a dd, when mid-late 30s, whose mother was endlessly wailing that at this rate, she was never going to have any grandchildren. It wasn’t that the daughter didn’t want babies - she just hadn’t found the right man to have them with.

She did find him eventually, and had 2 in her early 40s, but her mother’s wailings had been very hurtful.

I think having kids is a lot like gardening.
Everyone starts out with an idea of their perfect garden. Some stuff works, some doesn’t friends and family add plants and come round and enjoy your efforts. You need years to see things grow to full effect.
Some gardens are neglected and never amount to much and some look amazing like your mums (4 successful kids)
So then to say, actually we don’t like gardening, we are paving ours over for our cars, it’s difficult to understand they choice even if it makes sense.

'Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

This. But it's not selfish, at least no more selfish than bringing a child into the world simply because it's the done thing or because someone else wants it, rather than because you want a child.

I find it surprising you cant understand why its hard to come to term with. But it doesnt matter you dont understand, you dont need to. Just accept it as a fact.

I do however feel your pain when your mother keeps going on and on about it.

You've made your decision on sound reasoning and it is only yours to make. She may be disappointed not to have grandchildren but as you say, there is great value to your life as it is.

I understood it the first few times. Now it’s getting old and tiring. It’s just something she needs to accept and move on. There’s lots of children in the wider family that she can interact with, some who don’t have grandparents, she could have that role but she refuses thinks those children are annoying. She’s have the same with my hypothetical children. Not my fault or responsibility. She chose to have 4 children those 4 children chose to not have children. It’s not a crime against humanity. Even if I did want children I couldn’t possibly bring children into this world things are awful for gen z and might never get better for gen alpha. I’m in a way part of the last generation to really be able to even ‘easily’ get on the housing ladder. People 7-9 years older than me are house sharing. I work with doctors who have to house share in London bear in mind they’re in their 30s nowadays. Yes they can move to the middle of nowhere and not live in London etc but their jobs are in London and they’re mostly from London as in born and bred here.

OP I don't think your reasons matter. Your choice, your decision tout court.

don't blame you. 💐

She should stop with the comments yes, but I can see it would be miserable to have 4 dc and get no grandchildren. This would make many people unhappy and feel like the rug was pulled out from their feet. I have a career, work full time, have 3 dc who are still little and I look forward to grandchildren and that’s certainly not because I won’t have anything to do in retirement, I’ll have a million things to do. I feel for you having to put up with the comments but I also feel very sorry for your mum and that you seem to have no comprehension at all of what a loss this must feel like for her.

Then maybe she should not have had children if she’s that miserable at her children’s right to choose how they want their lives to be. Her children did not force her to have children if she had these expectations she really should have thought hard about them. We are a completely different generation less and less people within my age group don’t want children.

This is creepy.

My kids don't owe me a thing simply because I decided to have them.

You simply keep repeating yourself rather than addressing points people have made. This indicates an inability to consider points outside your own frame of reference. A worrying characteristic for a doctor.

She literally doesn’t have to address any of the many spectacularly stupid points about how upsetting it is for her mum. It’s not her problem. She doesn’t owe her mum anything.

My job has nothing to do with my choice to not have children. I don't think repeating my conclusion and reiterating my choice about my own life means I haven't considered the points being made. I've read them carefully and I understand why people feel sympathy for my mum. I did too but enough is enough it’s tiring we’ve made our decision she should just accept it and move on. Find other things to bring her joy, go out into the world. Go spend her money that’s just sitting there, learn a skill, join a club, volunteer at a children’s home, foster, take care of the younger kids in the family who have lost grandparents, they see her as a mother figure yet she doesn’t interact with them she just wanted the title not what comes with it. I can see why she'd imagined grandchildren and why letting go of that idea is painful. What I don't agree with is the suggestion that understanding her disappointment means I should keep revisiting a decision that my partner and I made a long time ago.

I'm comfortable sitting with perspectives that differ from my own but to me personally empathy isn't measured by whether you change your mind, it's measured by whether you can understand someone's feelings while still recognising that they don't get to make your decisions for you and have no say in what I do with my life.

I just don’t see why she still cares this far along we’ve made our choice just respect it. She can be upset but leave us out of it. Has nothing to do with me. She should just be happy that I am happy, healthy and enjoying life why can’t that be enough she has 4 healthy children who love her. or better yet maybe she shouldn’t have had children if these were her expectations, don’t base your life on the choices others make in order to fulfil your expectations. I certainly won’t. Nor do I appreciate constantly being told what I should do with my life and how much joy children are….what if I just don’t want them surely that should be enough.

Maybe she can go have another set of children that will fulfil her expectations. She should have made better choices and really thought about having children and what she wanted from this experience. We aren’t an extension of her, we don’t care about our bloodline I’ll be dead why would I care.

Quite frankly some of the questions are just a tad bit odd. I can make my own choice and this is the life I have chosen I believe that is okay and if it isn’t well I like to think that’s it’s my life and at the end of the day I get to choose.

Your viewpoint is from the perspective of child free by choice. Your mothers is from a mother of 4.
I say again that as all her children are child free, the family ends with you.
I’m sure she’s delighted that you are happy and successful. Maybe her comments about “the point” is that she feels theres no one to pass that on to. No one to pass the baton to.

Your viewpoint is from the perspective of child free by choice. Your mothers is from a mother of 4.
I say again that as all her children are child free, the family ends with you.
I’m sure she’s delighted that you are happy and successful. Maybe her comments about “the point” is that she feels theres no one to pass that on to. No one to pass the baton to.

It's worrying that someone would claim to be capable of assessing the capability of a doctor by a couple of posts on the internet about an unrelated matter, but you do you. I'm sure writing that post gave you a smugness dopamine hit for all of a nanosecond.

I gather it must be quite unusual to have 4 children but no grandchildren. I guess she must have assumed she’d probably have some. However it is what it is. Her kids don’t owe her grandchildren and if she’s having trouble coming to terms with that she might benefit from some therapy.

It won’t ever make sense OP, as it’s a battle of feelings not logic and you both have completely different angles.

You may need to find a bridge of some sort here. Being a paediatrician, is there any way you could invite your mum to the ward to be part of your workday so she can get her fill of children and help too?

I am the anomaly in my family having a DC. My older siblings chose not to partner-up or have children. Like them, I’ve grown up around childfree arena mainly with many friends, family and work colleagues opting to be childfree.

I understand that may be how she sees it, and if she's grieving the end of the family line, she's entitled to those feelings. But I don't think it's fair to place the responsibility for carrying on a family on the next generation.

As for "passing the baton", what exactly needs to be passed on? My parents have already passed on their values, love, support and opportunities to us. That's their legacy. A legacy doesn't have to be genetic to be meaningful and I don't think children should be brought into the world simply to continue a family line. I personally see children as individuals not a means of preserving someone else's idea of continuity.

Even if she feels that way she has no right to make her daughter feel bad about it.

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has been asked and answered, I did read that your DDad travels a lot and DMum stays home and doesn't appear to have many commitments etc could you bat it back to her whenever she brings up the subject, if she wants a "temporary" child so badly as clearly she wouldn't be a lifetime caregiver to a grandchild, why doesn't she consider fostering? Many DC need temporary foster placements and she could get her "fix" of a child to love and care for.

Apologies again if this has also been asked and answered, do your siblings get similar pressure?

Finally @TwinklySeal it sounds as though you've tolerated and gently pushed back against this subject for years so it sounds to me like you've had little choice other than to be very firm/harsh in a final attempt to shut it down and I can understand the frustration that has likely led to you reacting this way. I always knew I wanted DC but I don't judge others who make a different choice (and in fact sadly know a few who really should've made a different choice!)

yup, deffo creepy