AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

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My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

I did read a novel at some point that postulated that the point of life was so that the universe could see, experience and explore itself....that the universe was sentient enough to want to understand itself but could no more know itself than a human could know its own spleen. In some way the universe triggered evolution so that bits of itself could learn about the rest of itself. I mean its only a story but I like the concept.

You just have to be boring and repeat yourself - you don't want children, please stop asking, redirect to another topic etc.

If she insists maybe you can instead ask when she plans to volunteer with the local school.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Shut her down every time. You sound like you have a wonderful life. Children do take over your life, I have two but I was fully prepared for that and wanted them to be the centre of my world.

If you genuinely can't fathom why she would care, that does suggest a lack of empathy. Some women love children and babies; she's obviously one of them and is really sad she won't have more of her "own" to love and look after. I can't imagine myself being desperate for grandchildren (maybe I will be one day) but that doesn't mean I can't understand why she cares. Obviously she needs to stop harassing you about it but reading that reply makes me feel a bit sorry for her tbh.

Not read all the thread. I have read some if your comments Op. Of course you shouldn’t have children if you don’t want any. However it’s not unreasonable that someone who has created children and built a family wants that to continue.

think it’s important for her not to envision her life through her children.

I think maybe this needs reframing a little. I don’t think it’s that her life will be empty without grandkids but literally that’s her family line stopped after you. All the work she put into the family, ends after you guys.

I'm sure some may not agree with me, but your comments about not owing your mum anything could only be spoken by someone without children.
Until you raise children you probably cant understand quite how much you give to them, they are a part of you. And you owe her EVERYTHING. She is your mother!!!
However obviously you dont have to have children if you dont want to, but have a little sympathy for your mum - she clearly loved being a mum and would love to do it all over again with grandchildren to love and cherish.
I feel a bit sorry for you but you probably won't understand this either

Not all parents who want grandchildren want them because they “love babies and children”. Not by a long long shot, and the OP has explained that her mum is generally not keen on extended family kids so she doesn’t seem to fall into the camp of people who just adore kids.
And my view if I was the OP would be that I simply do not care that she cares. She got to make her reproductive choices and the OP gets to make hers. She needs to drop it and it’s up to her how she deals with it and processes it but I wouldn’t have the slightest interest in hearing about it.

Clearly you’ve not met many narc mums.

Some mothers never understand that their children's lives are their own to live.

Is this all women are worth their ability produce children, yet women say they want quality

Apologies - of course some people did not have a great mother or have a good childhood for whatever reason - but OP seems to have a good relationship with hers

Really? It doesn’t sound like the best relationship from what she says.
The “you owe me EVERYTHING because I am your MOTHER” is an absolute classic narc mum line by the way. They absolutely cannot accept that their children are people in their own right who might have their own wants and desires.

It isn’t selfish at all! I don’t understand why anyone thinks that. In fact it’s a good thing from the point of view of the planet as there are too many people on Earth and we’re destroying it. Maybe she’s worried about her triple lock not being affordable if the birth rate falls!

But it’s your life and your decision, she needs to respect that. And her asking what is the point of life is ridiculous. You have a much more meaningful life than most people, your job is probably the most worthwhile that there is, and it sounds like you live life to the full. It’s a very narrow-minded and sad point of view that the only point of life is to reproduce.

I assume you want the money, career and prestige more

This might blow your mind... But some people don't want children at all.

She doesn’t move children or babies, she goes on about it. We have young children in the wider family that she has the opportunity to get to know she says she finds them annoying.

I am not an extension of my mother and she shouldn’t have expectations that require others to make life altering decisions that do not suit them. We are different people, if she wanted grandchildren maybe she should have had children in a different generation, more and more people in this country do not want children/don’t have children. I know some would love to have children but can’t due ti certain constraints but that’s different. Moser and more women in my age group are choosing to not have children. It is their choice we aren’t extensions of others. My mother probably just had children because of the generation she comes from (I don’t blame her) but she should be proud of how far we have come. Enough for me an almost 40 year old woman to be in a long term relationship and not want children. Lots of my friends do not have children and they’re in long term relationship it’s becoming the norm and quite frankly some simply cannot afford it, having a child comes with a lot of baggage that some can’t handle. I think having a child is special and should be treated as a massive decision. I know I wouldn’t have the capacity to have a child, it takes a lot out of you. I see mothers all day everyday at my job I see their struggles, I see them with terrible partners who couldn’t give two shits about their offspring.

My partner and I equally decided no to children. He doesn’t even like children. I on the other hand know myself and know that motherhood is not for me. Before I had an abortion at 35 as a fairly secure person we discussed it and we just couldn’t see a child in our future and it was an easy decision to make I never went back and fourth I just knew I didn’t want a child too much hassle maybe that’s selfish and it certainly was careless he does plan to have a vasectomy in the next few months. At least once that happens I can tell my mother and she can stop. I doubt she will as my sisters husband has a vasectomy and our mother still mentions them having children I think it’s quite self centred to not respect someone else’s choice. We aren’t doing this to upset her we are simply making a choice that we have every right to. We are all over the age of 35 now it’s not happening and she needs to accept that and deal with the grief I suppose.

Bloody good for you. I completely agree that people who don’t want children shouldn’t have them.

It does seem a little lacking in empathy to be so annoyed at your mum. She loved being a mum so much she had 4 of you. None of you owe her grandchildren but she obviously thought she would have at least one or two. You already have retirement plans that you are looking forward to.. travelling. Your mums plans were to be with her grandchildren. Be understanding that the future she envisioned isn’t going to happen even if nobody is to blame.

Ask her why, if children are so important, she seems hell bent on damaging the relationship she has with hers!?

I don’t owe my mother anything I love her dearly but I will never owe her anything. As a child I never owed her anything and as an adult I still don’t owe her anything. If you have children thinking they owe you something I personally do not think that is what parenthood is about and it’s important to really think about such things before having children. I am my own person I don’t owe anyone anything that’s not to say I am going out into the world hurting people. More so I don’t owe anyone anything in the sense that I am free to make my own choices. Tough luck if she thought her 4 children are in debt to her for like or owe her something. She chose to have children. We didn’t choose to be born.

I think the Op wouldn't be so fed up with her mother if her mother didn't bang on about it.

I think you’re over thinking this OP.

You don’t need to justify your decision to anyone.

So clueless with the “she loved being a mum so much she had 4 of you”. My mum loathed being a mum and had 4 kids. Some of the most neglectful parents you can imagine have huge families. There is absolutely no correlation between number of children and general love of children.

umm no. The work she has put in has produced 4 successful useful adults. The work doesn't "end" because what she has done has improved the world for the many people the OP meets as part of her profession.

You don’t need to feel sorry for me. I had a great childhood thank to my mother and father but also it was their job they chose to have children ahah. No one forced them to bring us into this world. Children are part of you I understand that but also they don’t owe you anything it’s not a dictatorship. She didn’t do anything for me growing up that she wasn’t supposed to. That was her job as a mother, under the age of 18 she is responsible for her children that’s just a given in my opinion.

Sadly it doesn’t seem to be an uncommon attitude. My colleague has recently started to have babies and they have become her entire personality. She cannot understand anyone who doesn’t want them. When I said I wasn’t fussed but thought I probably wouldn’t have any, she said she doesn’t know why people would carry on living if they don’t have kids as they would have an empty, pointless life and nothing to live for

She even said it in front of our other colleague who she knows went through IVF for 10 years and had 4 miscarriages and a stillborn with his wife

You just need to be firm and make her understand that this your decision and that is final. I had to do the same with my mother and thankfully she has stopped asking me about it.