AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I would not be encouraging a relationship with a woman who is ‘fuming’ and who is now trying to make you look like a bad person.

Dog person, have dogs.

If you absolutely will not shut the dog in a different room, and you don't have a dog walker you can send her out with for a couple of hours sitting outside a cafe down the road and a pootle, then you don't have any choice, but you need to brace for the social fall out from the DC and their friends and the adults who don't agree.

Voted YANBU and very surprised that the vote is nearly as close as Brexit.

As the DP of a now adult autistic DC there is no way that I would be so rude as to suggest that my host make changes to suit my dc's needs, particularly when so many others are invited.

I'd be grateful for the heads up, apologise for declining and maybe plan a suitable get together at my place as an alternative.

I’m just wondering if there’s a halfway house. Like someone taking the dog out for the duration?

I can see why you don’t want to distress your dog but equally it seems hard on the little girl to miss out on a big group play date.

Is the answer that this Mum takes the dog out for the duration of the play date or to her house? Or could this Mum host instead (I realise your dd should be allowed friends round!)

“Nearly as close as Brexit” should become an expression for incredibly close!

Are you familiar with the expression "you can't teach an old dog new tricks"? The dog's separation issues are due to age and physical and mental decline. The children have an entire human life-span in front of them, which will be riddled with dogs passing them in the street, in parks, etc.

YANBU.

But unfortunately I think the 'it's her home and she shouldn't be shut away' is one of those pet-centric dog owner approaches that makes people a bit eye rolley about dog owners. It might have been better to have said 'she will howl if she is shut away which might upset other children' and emphasised her age and placidity rather than her 'rights' which you have set above your guests comfort.

Of course parents of 5 year olds could expect that young, bouncy, full on, big dogs would be kept away or under control and most parents would want to know that that is the case with such a dog, even if it is its home.

But this parent needs to start calming her Dc down, and an elderly placid dog would be a good place to start,

I'm with you. Either arrange a play date somewhere else where your dog won't need to be shut away, or those particular kids don't come to your house. I would not shut my dog away for anyone. If anyone wants to come to my house they must respect that it's my dog's home and he has every right to be there, more so than them.

Sounds like 7 of the mums are quite happy to come and the other one is fuming over fear of missing out. Tough.

We have dogs and DC used to have a friend over that was scared of dogs. Mum never asked me to shut the dog away. I kept the dog away from DC of course. Also encouraged the DC to overcome their fear over time just seeing the dog ignoring them and sitting quietly. DC later got a dog themselves to help overcome their fear. Diff is the mum was keen for the DC to overcome their fear rather than pandering to it. It’s not really socially acceptable as a functioning adult to be a screaming mess when you see a dog.

I have a dog, I put her away when dog-scared kids come over. She’s happy in her crate with a toy or with me in the garden though.

Oh come on. She's 12 years old and was happily shut away when needed until being about 9. She's partially blind, has got a spinal issue and gets confused by noises she can't work out where they are coming from. This is a dog who never used to even flinch at fireworks but would vomit and shake with stress at a car alarm going off now.

I have an old very placid (soppy) doggy; she is my first dog.

I agree with you. It’s your dogs home so no she shouldn’t have to be shut away on her own (esp as you said this upsets her).

whilst this may sound mean, I think the children’s mother is out of order to be angry at you and should instead see how limiting a fear like this is for her children; as pps have said, dogs are everywhere and their (unfounded fears) can’t be pandered to forever. they will have to miss out. It’s not your beagle’s fault, it’s their mother’s for not getting her children therapy.

id put a party hat on the beagle and make her the centre of attention.

I think it is a reasonable request. My sis in law puts their dogs away when I go round as I do not like dogs. I appreciate you say your dog is placid but the girls have a genuine fear. They aren't doing it to be awkward.

😂 Or CF mum could just say "sorry, we can't come as my daughter is afraid of dogs". Like I did when my ds was younger. @QuarryQueen Please don't feel guilty about not locking away your dog. It's her house as well.

Your SIL dogs are used to it though but OPs dog isnt. Dog is old and would be distressed.

This

She sounds like an entitled wazzock

I do shut my dogs away sometimes if very young children are round or children who are scared of dogs, but if my dogs got stressed in the way yours does I wouldn’t. They can chose not to come round, they don’t get to dictate what you do with your dog in your own home.

Unfortunately this is the type of woman who has likely encouraged her daughters’ fears to gain sympathy and attention. Fears without negative experiences are caused by nurture and a mother who likely panders to them too much.

I always shut my dogs away for play dates. My dogs wouldn’t harm a fly but it’s not fair for kids and parents who don’t like them.

Yes my choice of words initially probably wasn't the best. I felt a bit out on the spot to be honest. I explained following that the reasoning but she was already irritated with me by then and wasn't really listening I don't think.

Your role as a host is to make your guests comfortable, not to judge them. You like dogs and aren't afraid of them. Your guest is very afraid. Either accommodate, or don't. But, don't belittle. The way you refused was rude. The other mum has come across as entitled.
You should have just said, I'm sorry, I can't lock the dog away as it causes too much stress on the dog and I completely understand if you cannot come.

I think you can explain what you will and won’t do in your own home in any words that you choose

you did well to even offer an explanation in the first place . I would have just said “no”

It is a real fear for some children. I would put the dog away or entertain the dog somewhere else rather than have a guest terrified.
DS has a friend who comes close to a heart attack around dogs. I always put the dog away.

It wasn't very tactful to say it was her home and she shouldn't have to be shut away. I think that's what triggered the other parent's reaction. It sounds reproving. Under normal circumstances it's reasonable to settle a pet in a different space to make an event accessible to all the children in a group. If you had explained that your dog would cry constantly, shake and possibly vomit rather than mentioning that it's her home, the other parent might not have found you dismissive of her children's feelings.

It's been been mishandled and you should perhaps apologise for the sake of the children's friendships. Your concern for the fear that the children would be feeling or the feeling of exclusion they will experience was not apparent at any stage. It really should have been in a situation where children are going to be afraid or disappointed.

The fact that the children have no known trauma regarding dogs is neither here nor there. I'm not sure why you've included this as their feelings are valid and you've seen the reality of their fear for yourself. If their parent knows it's not the right time to ask them to conquer this, that's her call. Of course her reaction was not really appropriate but you can't control her reaction so you can only change the circumstances by reacting differently yourself.

It really isn't helpful if all the parents are discussing this and taking sides. Your children will be around each other for a long time to come.