AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I think it reasonable to think people will keep dogs away for visitors who are scared or not want to be around dogs. Not wanting to upset your dog is also reasonable.
Its not reasonable for her to be furious.

No, I dont think you should shut your dog away if she gets stressed, and can still hear you. As it's been pointed out, the mother with the nervous children asked, you said no, and that should be an end to it.
Not fair on an elderly dog to shut them away in their own home, it's different when you go out and leave the house, dogs are used to that.

I have pets. With young kids I put them out of the way anyway, regardless of requests. I don't really think young kids (especially kids that haven't grown up with pets) are great for the pet tbh.

I wouldn't necessarily put a dog inside in a room (my cats would get my bedroom with food and litter tray and cat beds in the sunny window), but there would be some sort of barrier between the dog and the kids.

I also agree that the offer of a placid dog for them to interact with is well meant but rarely a great idea in a group like that. For that to work you generally need little and often, not a long one off that's really focused on a playdate.

How does your daughter feel about her friend not being able to come?

Because that's what I'd be focusing on. Making sure everyone was comfortable so that my child had a lovely time.

It seems a bit mean to refuse to shut the dog away for a bit so that she can have her friend over

Yeah I wouldn’t come if you wouldn’t put the dog away. I wouldn’t be annoyed with you I just wouldn’t come over.

The people who usually look after her for us are on holiday otherwise that would be an option we'd try. We don't have anyone else local.eho could have her and I wouldn't drop her off with a random dog sitter I've never met before.

YANBU, it’s the dogs home first and foremost (other than your own DC). If this child can’t cope then they don’t need to come. I wouldn’t be upsetting an elderly animal for a guest.

It’s the dogs home

Not the child’s

Your dog your home. Not remotely unreasonable

I have a dog and would happily shut him away, if he was happy for me to do that. He likes being around humans, so unless I could sit in the same room with him he’d get very distressed with the likely screaming, running around and just knowing his human sister was there outside playing with friends. I know it probably sounds pathetic to people who don’t have very attached dogs. It wouldn’t be worth the several hours of crying and scratching at a door. So unless my dh was also at home or someone could take the dog (which again is too much hassle than it’s worth for a play date) then I’d say no.
as it goes when dc’s friends are around (which is at least twice a week) he’s interested for all of a few minutes then finds himself a quiet spot where he can just watch and rarely gets up, unless the food comes out and he wants a treat of course.

If the child was going to be at yours for emergency childcare, it would be unreasonable to say you weren't going to shut the dog out of the way. But under the circumstances the child's mother is being unreasonable. In fact I guess that her reactions are the main reason for her children's extreme fear. She has no entitlement whatsoever to bring her children to a play date and start laying down conditions. She can make other arrangements.

DS2 was scared of dogs when younger, his best friends mum always put their dog away when he went round and I was very grateful. He usually ended up giving the dog a few pats and it being let out for short periods under supervision. He’s no longer scared of dogs. I’d say the mum will the very grateful if you were understanding and this may also be an opportunity to help with the girls fear if your so inclined, especially if your dog is placid. Comes down to choices I guess, you either want them to come round and happy to accommodate or you don’t.

I'm thinking more about the dog who would be stressed being shut away for hours with people in the house. My daughter will have other friends there and we are organising plenty of other playdates with this group during the summer break.

If she will howl when put away, just put her on a lead and you hold her for the play date.

Nope. I wouldn’t. I was “told” by a family member who was due to visit that I would “of course be locking the dogs away”. No. It is their home, I wouldn’t be doing that. I would however be supervising all interactions because, although I trust my dogs implicitly, they are dogs. So, no children to be with the dogs unsupervised.
Important to note that said child had had no negative interaction with dogs, was simply afraid.
They came anyway and by the end of the week? Said child was running around and playing with the dogs, with supervision of course, with no issues and has liked dogs ever since (about 20 years!)

I find your post quite dismissive over some children’s fear of dogs. It’s quite common in young children and they don’t necessarily need to have had a bad experience. Dogs are, inherently, unpredictable to them. Almost all kids will grow out of it, so please give them some good grace while they learn. I have twins – one was utterly petrified of all dogs from 5-7yrs old and the other wasn’t bothered at all.

I never asked another parent to shut a pet dog away during a play date, but I will say that every time the situation did arise the parent would willingly offer to shut the dog away. I didn’t expect them to and thought it was better for my daughter to have controlled exposure, but I really appreciated them offering – after all, my daughter would be a guest in their home and I believe you should always make guests feel as comfortable as possible as a good host.

Ideally, no, they would do their best around the dog and the dog can stay out, but I think you are being unreasonable to react so stubbornly about it.

This. You haven’t trained your ‘placid’ dog well enough if it frets being alone for a few hours.

OP said that this child supposedly won’t go into the garden with the dog even on a lead

Fear of being alone is a very common issue with elderly dogs and other animals (indeed humans), they get confused and stressed. Op already said it started at 9 years old

So she should retrain her elderly dog in the next few days. Great, a plan without any flaws.

One might say the same of an adult who has not one but two children who display an absolute terror of dogs for no reason whatsoever, and who have never had a bad experience with one. She is constantly pandering to them and reinforcing their fear by allowing them to scream and cry hysterically at the mere sight of a dog in the park that wasn't anywhere near them anyway. That is not normal.

I'm a long way from being a dog person, but I'm on the OP's side here. The other mother will have to lump it.

I’m not afraid of dogs but I really really don’t like the scent that some dogs can leave on your hands/clothes. My friend has a dog who she adores. I have a cat. My friend is irrationally afraid of cats (her words!). My friend and I love spending time together and often at each others houses. I make sure the cat is in a different room/outside during her visits and she makes sure her dog does not jump up/lick bother me during my visits. Simples. We’re both happy to accommodate each other’s preferences because we value our friendship first and foremost and our pets have our full attention the rest of the time.

I understand your dog is elderly OP but I think you’ll create a situation where the friendship between the DDs will suffer as a result.

To all those suggesting the little girl needs 'exposure therapy' or spending time with a placid old dog to help with her fear, this takes much more time than one play date. A playdate with a dog would be a final step in therapy not the first. My daughter has done this, starting with looking at pictures of dogs, seeing the dog through window, standing still while a dog walks past... There are so many steps before a playdate with a dog! I don't think the mum should be rude though. I hope you can find away to all stay friends for your daughters.

Your house, your rules. They don’t like it, they don’t come