AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I think I’d offer a play date when the people who can have your dog are available

Slightly different but I have allergies to all dogs including hypoallergenic. If someone refused to put them away I’d just not go round, and the friendship would die out. Not worth my physical health.
I don’t really like animals around my children either, think they’re dirty but each to their own’ your house and only you know if the friendship is worth excluding someone’s child for a dog.

No I agree with you completely. This is my dogs home. Children who are scared of dogs don't need to come here

But the dog isn't howling, shaking, and vomiting in fear to be awkward, either. And the dog only has her own home to be in, and doesn't want to be anywhere else. Whereas the dog-phobic children can literally be anywhere on the planet without a view of a dog, but want to be at the dog's house.

I appreciate they weren't being awkward and I understand they are genuinely scared but to put my dog away for 3+hours behind a door where she can hear me and other people talking etc would make her very stressed and confused which is why I said I couldn't.

I’m not a huge fan of dogs (or cats), but wouldn’t expect them to be shut away in their own house.

If that means fhe child doesn’t want to come for a play date, so be it.

Very simple - any child that is not ok with dogs does not need to come into your home. It's been my approach for nearly a decade and it's helped avoid a lot of stress.

I have several pets including a dog . I’ve had kids over that were afraid of dogs and kept the dog away from them . It’s just basic decency really to help guests feel comfortable especially small children in a new place who might be frightened. I have family member who is terrified of dogs so I can understand. I wouldn’t dream of sending someone a message like the one you sent . There was nothing wrong with her request , it’s a perfectly normal request from someone with children who are afraid of dogs and you are making out like she’s the rude one .

Yes you're being unreasonable to expect children who are quite clearly terrified to accept your dog being there, however 'placid' you feel she is.

You don't want your dog to experience the upset you're happy to let the children experience and so you've made your choice - which is your right. And you're OK if they don't come, so there's your answer. The mum is not being unreasonable to put her kids first.

In your shoes, I would also refuse to lock the dog away, I couldn't put my dog through that amount of stress. My elderly dog has become clingier lately and would also cry and become stressed in the situation you've described.

I absolutely assure you this is not the case. My daughter has a phobia of dogs despite no negative experience (other than them barking - her dislike of loud unexpected noises is a big part of the fear) and I assure you I have not encouraged the fear and don’t enjoy the sympathy. If I could wave a magic wand and make it go away believe me I would!

I don’t believe I pander to it. I encourage her to stay calm and still when dogs come past and use a calming voice to help her remember she’s safe when there’s a dog near. I remind her the dog isn’t going to hurt her. I have taken her to see calm, placid dogs, with mixed success. However sometimes she will scream and cry hysterically if she is particularly frightened. I ‘allow’ this (phrase used by previous poster), purely because I’m not sure how to to not allow it. I don’t allow her too much screen time, or to eat sweets every day. I don’t allow her to go to the park by herself. I don’t allow her to stay up til midnight. I’m not sure how to disallow crying that she’s not actually in control of. Any suggestions welcome! I also don’t deliberately put her in situations I know will make her cry hysterically, for example play dates where her crying will upset other children and the dog. Perhaps this is pandering to it, I don’t know.

Dogs are a reasonable fear, as they are dangerous and can cause injury and death. Especially valid for a child who is small and can be overtaken height wise by a dog. Just like a fear of a snake would be warranted.

Oh no, you can't shut your precious beagle away. I don't think it would hurt for them to miss one play date. Don't feel bad.

As a dog owner in your case it would be a no. The dogs 12 years old not a puppy jumping around. If anything your dog would be good to help them get over their fear

If dog is going to whine and bark because it’s shut up that’s not fair on the dog and won’t make for a nice time for the kids who will be able to hear it

the mother should be doing something to help them get over this fear not pandering to it
I would not shut the dog up

I'm a bit confused. You seem to have initially refused without giving any reason and then said 'it's her home and she shouldn't be shut away' when the other parent protested about your decision. That sounds like quite a adversarial exchange. The explanation about shaking etc seems to have been unnecessarily delayed in order to bicker and I can only think it was because you were both having a stroppy moment.

My amazing dog who loved kids , and whined if he couldn’t play with my dc friends and was an all round awesome family dog, once bit my 8 years olds friend who he had met many times before and really liked. It didn’t break the skin but he really went for it and there was a large red mark , she was hysterical , it was horrible.
It was so out of character I took him to the vets the next day and after a blood test they told me he was in acute renal failure and woukd have been in a huge amount of pain. Absolutely no hint of this at all. She stroked his back end, which is where dogs kidneys are.
For this reason i would always put even the calmest friendliest dog away when my kids have friends round . You say your dog is losing her sight and you are going to have lots of excitable kids round , yeah I would put her away. However I wouldnt t invite the 2 girls round if their mum had been kicking off about it! How rude! And what an atmosphere, no thanks .

Fair enough it sounds like you’re trying to find ways for her to overcome her fear which is good parenting.
would you insist on someone locking away their elderly, confused dog in their own home for you though or would you accept that due to your child’s fear that you couldn’t go?

It’s difficult. It’s hard for me to understand why it’s such an issue to shut the dog away, but if it is, I think you’d need to apologise and explain that.

You seem a bit dismissive of the child and to view the dog’s rights as more important that hers.

My daughter was invited to a party and sleepover with a family with a status dog (either Staffie or XL Bully, not sure which as the kid said XL, looked like a staffie to me.)

I talked to the mum and said I was really sorry I wasn’t comfortable with her sleeping in a house with such a dog and the mum volunteered that they’d lock it away for the party. I had fully expected her to be “off” with me but she and her husband couldn’t have been nicer about it.

No, I wouldn't shut the dog away. It's his home. The girls shouldn't come to the house if they are that bothered by dogs. But really their parent needs to address this phobia.

My dogs have always been the most sweetest calmest dogs ever and they are superb at reading other dogs and humans and knowing how to be to not alarm them. They have an innate ability to put even the most scared people at ease and communicate through body language. Indeed, a lot of people with scared children use me and my dogs to support them to be socialised to dogs and learn how to be around them and to read body language etc, so they know what the warning signs are and also what is calm and friendly body language. They are unofficial therapy dogs really and I am always happy to support children with phobias and use my dogs for educational purposes. I wish more people who are scared of dogs would be open to support or therapy.

As a mum and beagle owner I would 100% shut my beagle away if a child was coming over who was scared of dogs. My child was also bitten by a dog (who was a loving family pet, it shocked and devastated the owners who could not believe their family dog had bitten a young child’s arm) so I’m very aware that even the most loving family dog has the capability of biting children.

Beagles are not small dogs, they are strong and independent. Yes they can be placid, but they also don’t like being moved, are heavy, have very big strong paws, and very strong leg and chest muscles. Mine is a sucker for a cuddle but will force herself into people’s space to get one, scratch at them, and bark loudly for attention. Mine can also get quite hyped up around kids and get over excited and she does sometimes try to bite at loose clothing or shoes when she’s super excited.
I have some friends that bring their kids to mine. I monitor my dog very closely, they don’t like her barking or jumping at them. I keep her in one room and if they do come in that room too I keep her away from them. She’ll be safe in a room, and your guest will feel comfortable.

Well of course OP cares more about her own dog than someone else’s child? Especially when the child doesn’t have to go but the dog does have to live there

My dog is 11 and gets shut away when DS has friends over and they're 16.

Different sort of playdate needed then. One of the others host or you meet in the park

I’d say the dogs right to be comfortable in it’s own home is more important than the child being there.

OP has nothing to apologize for. The mother asked, and OP said no (and not even rudely). It’s up to the mother to accept that, not be ‘fuming’.

Nor does it revolve around dogs, contrary to many people’s belief.