AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Or the OP's dog.

I don't like dogs at all and my son is a bit scared of them but I voted YANBU because it's your house. If I was that lady I'd just not come if it's that bad. Also it sounds like your dog is calm and not dangerous. I did go and view a house (to buy) the other day and the owner allowed his yappy dog to run after my terrified toddler while admitting he does bite sometimes (totally unreasonable). If your dog is under control no I don't get it.

This... dog "crying" vs scared child?

Its also just a bad idea. A scared child around a dog isnt going to behave predictably. This is how bad accidents happen.

I’m one of those feckless mothers who’s daughter is terrified of dogs (and my toddler son is now starting to show fear, probably copying his older sister, to answer someone’s earlier question about why BOTH children are scared of dogs).

I take it you’ve never been irrationally terrified of something? Or had to parent someone who is?

I’ve seen plenty of adults behave completely irrationally around bees, wasps and spiders. Dogs are often bigger than small children and can move in an unpredictable manner, and make loud noises. not all of them, but some. And some have actually killed children. It is actually logical that children might be a bit frightened. The same can’t be said for tiny spiders in this country. I expect most people with a spider fear know logically that they can’t be hurt by spiders in this country, yet they are still terrified and react accordingly. It’s an involuntary reaction most of the time.

Only read your comments, wo apologies if it has been suggested, but could a compromise be that the dog is kept on a lead so the children and mum know your dog cant approach them? And photos or video sent in advance so mum can try and prepare them?

I'm not sure if you saw my previous responses but she gets quite stressed when shut away and will whine and sometimes shake and vomit if she can hear people and not see them. She's only done this since being about 9. We did used to shut her away sometimes when she was young and bouncy but there's not been a need to do so in recent years and she is so mild mannered.

I have two dogs, my DD9 has a good friend who is frightened of them. I will send them to my mums or keep them in another room (with one of the adults) when she comes round. It’s better for everyone. If a kid is distressed it’s potentially stressful for the dog too.

Most of the time though the DC are playing in my DD’s room with the door shut, and the dogs have free roam. The girls just let me know when I need to pop the dogs back in the living room or kitchen or wherever. So it’ll really the kids shut up rather than the dog for most of the time.

Well yes I understand how exposure therapy works but it is just frustrating how it only gets mentioned as a cure for a phobia of dogs. I see posters with other phobias being treated with sympathy (particularly emetophobia and arachnophobia) but a dog phobia is seen as childish or silly despite the fact that dogs cause thousands of injuries a year compared to zero caused by spiders or snakes.

Ah that's a shame, the stars really haven't aligned here. Hope you sort it

This is a mark of poor training, if an aduly dog cant handle being in a different room/crate for a bit.

You really think exposure therapy with an untrained dog and an equally untrained owner is a good idea? That said, the children's parents should seek professional treatment - this type of reaction is neither healthy nor normal. They can (should be able to) expect not to be approached in public by random dogs, but they can't expect a dog-free world.

Not a dog owner.

Absolutely bloody not. If her kids are frightened of dogs to the extent you described and haven't suffered trauma with an interaction with a dog, then I'd question how or why that has happened. You aren't born with a fear of anything, it's learnt behaviour.
I hope your daughter has a lovely day. Ignore the hysterics.

Don't be ridiculous

It's an ELDERLY dog

I would lock my dogs away but only because it wouldn’t distress them in any way shape or form. You’re well within your rights to not lock yours away. It’s the dogs home, the other parent doesn’t need to visit if they are uncomfortable.

Lots of people wondering what the mother is doing to help the child get over their dog phobia. No one questioning what you’re doing to help your dog get over its upset about being shut in a room 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't shut the dog away if they (dog) are not used to it. I'd either rearrange the playdate to be elsewhere or cancel it. Honestly I wouldn't want a a child whose mother was scared of dogs around my dog. There is always a risk that the child or the mother won't know how to behave and the dog will get the blame.

The dog didn't always do that though. It's probably a symptom of getting older, losing their sight etc. Why distress an older dog?

I don't think you should. I say that as a cat owner who does have to shut their cat away because it's savage who likes to bite children but also likes to get involved with them. However, your placid dog is doing no harm. Unless these children had been traumatised by a dog in the past they need to get a grip.

This. Their reactions to the dog in the park are something they need help with, otherwise everyday life will be very difficult for them.

Nothing needs to be done
It's an elderly dog.

YANBU. Not all dogs react well to being shut away, and at 12 this dog is elderly. To shut her away would cause her unnecessary stress. I don’t have dogs, but I would not shut them away if I did. If that means someone will decline to visit then oh well. My pet would absolutely come first to me over this child.

If the kid can’t attend the playdate at your house, then oh well.

As a dog obsessed person, I think you are not being a welcoming hostess with this attitude.
The play date is for your DD. Surely DD comes before the dog. Why would you not facilitate this event fully? The little girl who is terrified of dogs can’t help it. It’s not her fault. Why would you not make a little girl feel welcome in your home to play with your DD?
I wouldn’t put the dog in a separate room if she gets upset, stressed and barks. But I would find someone to look after her during the playdate so that I know she is safe and comfortable.

i can only relate to my own phobia which is rats, I don’t want to be in the same space and would just sit your play date out.

i had someone at work bring their pet rat in and couldn’t understand I didn’t want to be around it - not everyone gets it. I just left the room

We have another friend (not in this group) whose DD is scared of dogs but we took it slowly and she loves her now. Still not a fan of big dogs though.

Tell me you know very little about dogs without yadda yadda