AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I would pop mine in the kitchen with lots of treat toys to occupy her and keep nipping in to check on her and keep her company. I'd rather that than risk an excited child blundering into her or stepping on her paw, or getting in her face, even though she's super placid. The other mum really needs to do something about her kids' reaction, though, as they're far more likely to be bitten if they screech and carry on like that.

First answer nails it.

YABU in not understanding severe fear of dogs.

I was petrified of dogs as a child, and was mocked and not listened to. I had to learn to deal with dogs in my own time, not be forced to encounter even the friendliest dog.

What you are considering is tantamount to bullying.

Edited to add: i'm a dog owner now, but I'm still reasonably wary of unknown dogs. And it is reasonable to be wary of unknown dogs.

I'm a cat-mom and if my cat was crying / stressed when shut in a room then it would be a 100% categoric no from me to doing that to him. He's a beloved member of the family and he's not being locked in a room having done nothing wrong other than "merely existing" - I'm aware I may be extreme and I don't care. I care more about my pet than I could care anyone else's DD/DS. They can choose not to come to my house.

These particular children scream and start climbing up their mother when a dog walks past without even looking at them. How do you suggest people teach their dogs to become invisible?

I’ve had a similar issue OP, a friend and her daughter popped round. Daughters scared of dogs. Mine is an easy going little thing, who’ll sit on his bed at command and stay. That wasn’t good enough so I gave him a kong and popped him in the garden. The neighbourhood scary cat then appeared on the Fence and hissed at him, so he barked back and child had hysterics at the noise. I duly collected dog and shut him in the front room, and we went in the garden, thinking more distance would help. Except he’s not used to being shut in the front room because he sits on his bed at command and stays…cue him making so much noise it sounded like I was keeping a werewolf in the front room and I had to say I need to let him out that’ll be disturbing all the neighbours too much. Child had a total panic attack and I ended up telling them to leave because it wasn’t manageable.

point being, if the kids are THAT scared, the reality is they just need to avoid an environment with dogs.

I was raised on a farm with lots of dogs around, but never in the house. They were always shut away when I had friends over.

Can I just ask - what do you do as a family when you need to be somewhere where dogs aren't allowed?

I’m a dog person, but if a child were ‘terrified’ then it’s a no brainer. Dogs are much bigger when you’re a kid too!

I would say to the mother though that if they wanted to slowly get to know a gentle dog they’d be welcome to try with my dog on a quieter day. It must be a horrible fear as how can you avoid dogs?! Plus they’re mostly so lovely.

I think you handled the whole situation really badly. You knew these kids were terrified of dogs and yet you arranged a group play with a dog. So basically excluded them. Then you gave a pretty unfeeling response to the mum and created group chat aggro.

Honestly could you not have moved the play to somewhere else or waited till friends are back so dog can go to theirs? It feels like you were thoughtless and are now trying to justify it by ganging up on the kids mum and making her out to be the bad person. I would apologise and try to find a solution that includes everyone rather than cause even more aggro.

Same.
Have a placid dog who has never shown aggression to a kid we'd shut him away on playdates.

Tbf I'm more worried about the kids who love dogs and go crazy as I'm worried about them sticking their faces or hands on his face.

I hate dogs and am scared of them myself, but even I think YANBU. Dogs are everywhere, kids have to get used to them, and the best way is to be around a placid dog. It’s not fair to shut your dog away, it’s not like you can explain to the dog why. The other mum is out of order and stirring.

Why not ask the mum and children round to meet the dog for a few minutes in your home before the play date? If they can see the dog acting calmly it could help with their nervous behaviour and reassure the mum that they will be safe.

This. You are ok with dogs - many people are not.

Yabu.
I don’t understand how you can’t shut her away and you, yoir kids of those who supposedly love her go i. to see her from time to time.
Maybe the mum of the girls can organise a play date where your child is excluded and you/she will see how it feels.

Otoh, a ‘play date’ with children from 8 families sounds like a lot. I would be missing that by choice tbh

No need for such nasty sarcasm OP.

I love animals, but I do think it's a shame to pander to a dog's needs over a child's.
It's a couple hours, I would put the dog away or maybe have someone else have the care of the dog if it's this distressing for a guest (and the dog).
Your dog sounds tame and gentle but it's not up to us to beat their phobia or get a child to face their fears. I would host accordingly.

This is literally how cognitive behaviour therapy works to help treat phobias. Exposure to the thing that’s causing the phobia. And as someone who has a fear of spiders, my psych did actually suggest (slowly) introducing experiences with spiders.

I have a DD who was terrified of dogs. Then we got our own puppy which has been a brilliant experience for all involved. She's a big goofy pup who sometimes gets excited and like to jump around.

Conscious that not everyone likes that/some people dislike dogs, I keep a leash next to the door and pop it on pup if I know people are coming over who she loves to jump around with and/or want to keep her close to me and under my control. Maybe that is the workaround in this instance? Lead on while the playdate is taking place??

I always put my dogs away if a frightened guest,child or adult visited. Courtesy and kindness.
But having said this,I invited such guests far less than those who liked my dogs!

@QuarryQueen hi, just wanted to send some support as I think a lot of posters don't quite understand. I also have an old boy (16) he has dementia, spinal issues, half blind, selective deafness. We can't shut him away either as he becomes incredibly anxious and cries or barks. He's absolutely fine if he can see what's happening and just wants to potter about and sunbath. Like your boy this is something that has developed with age. Very different from separation anxiety.

My boy won't be here much longer and he comes first. I think you're right not to shut your boy away.

I think if a child is scared alternative arrangements should be made. But these days it seems the outrage is to consider about the comfort of young human children and instead put the dog first.

Just to add, it's not pandering to a dog. When we get dogs we are responsible for them and this extends to when they are old and suffering from cognitive issues. And sometimes that means you have to put their needs first.