AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Dog lives where the dog lives.. don’t like it - don’t come over. Simples.

As a dog owner, multiple dogs for decades and host of many playdates over the years, I would absolutely shut my dog out of the way. It's too late for your old girl now to learn to be able to cope in a pen or crate though.

It's situations like this which is why it's really important people don't baby their pets. They're not miniature humans, they're not bloody furbabies, it does them no good whatsoever to never get used to spending some time alone or time in a cage.

When the time comes they might HAVE to be in a cage, the vets for example, they are far more stressed than dogs that have been brought up sensibly that can then cope with it.

I understand how you feel, but I was so grateful to people who put their dogs in other rooms when my daughter was smaller and really scared of them, so I would do the same for others if there's no other easy solution like your dh being home.

No, that was in a separate paragraph to the one I was addressing.

NB. My sister has a phobia of spiders and had to take a reception class of kids to some zoo with a collection of spiders. She asked to be kept away from any and some wag snuck up on her with a spider as a joke. My sister literally screamed and ran out leaving her class there. Phobias are completely irrational and it’s extremely unkind to dismiss that or think you can help with your own exposure therapy.

Sadly we now seem to live in a world where too many people think their dogs belong everywhere and that we should all welcome them literally on top of us.

I'm really on the fence with this actually.
You are right that a dog that isn't used to be shut out and becomes distressed shouldn't be in her own home. I'm sure she is also very placid and chill usually, the mum should of at the point of you saying no just explained she can't bring her girls, let's do something soon at soft play or whatever.
I'm also not afraid of dogs generally, I've had an elderly dog who hated being shut away at any point day or night so would cry or bark constantly when works were done etc. their home is their safe calm place.

That said, an elderly dog with bad vision is not a dog I would willfully trust if I was one of the children's parents. Old dogs can't react or move as fast, noise is more irritating for them, being over petted can be stressful for them and with bad vision can easily perceive a hand over head action from an unfamiliar person as a threat.
I was severely bitten as a child by a dog without any provocation at all and it was our family dog. No history of aggression and no lead up to the incident, just a case of snapping out of nowhere.
No dog is 100% safe, especially around children they aren't familiar with and they shouldn't be in situations that can cause them distress whether that's because they are locked away or because they are overwhelmed by several children.
I'd find someone to chill with my dog on a nice long walk or something to be honest.

Urgggh there are few things in this world that irritate me more than dog owners who say ‘oh but my dog is so friendly, you don’t need to worry about it’.

If you were invited to a play date but the owner expected you and all the kids to sit in a room with pet tarantulas running round freely would you think that was fine? By your logic you and your kid should be fine because they are harmless and can’t hurt you.

Did you miss the part about the dog being older and partially blind hence why they now find it difficult being shut away...

No, you just misread and should just admit that.

I’d be politely declining the play date, not expecting the tarantulas’ owner to change how they manage their pets. As the children’s mother could also do - instead, she chose to be confrontational.

I would just politely decline the invitation. Which is all that needed to happen in OPs scenario.

I don’t understand fear of dogs, but I 100% accept that some people are genuinely scared.
I used to sometimes have to shut my gentle giant GSD away, as if anyone was frightened he seemed puzzled why and would make a beeline for them. It was almost like he was trying to reassure them, but of course it had the opposite effect. He didn’t mind being shut away though.
OP’s dog does mind. It’s the dog’s home and I think it’s perfectly reasonable for her to choose not to upset her dog.
There are all sorts of reasons why children can’t always go on every play date. It’s up to their parents to manage this and not make the situation worse.

YANBU! And to those saying "It's just a dog", are so wrong I struggle to comprehend it! It's YOUR house, and YOUR family, and that family includes a dog! Were the dog hyper, or prone to snapping or overtly vicious, things would be different, but it's not. It's old and placid. The kids that are so scared that they screamed, jumped onto their mother, and continued to scream, when they simply SAW another dog in the distance, have a real problem that the parents need to address NOW! Dogs are everywhere and everyone else should not have to accommodate someone's offspring just because the parents can't parent.

Your home is your dog's home and no way would I be locking my dog away when he's not at fault. Would any parent lock a child away because another parent insisted on it? If the mother doen't want her children to come to the play date because a dog will be there, and she won't get professional help for the over the top, unfounded, fear her children have, and that she's enabling, then that's her choice.

I've had children, grandchildren and dogs, and they're all family. End of.

I would if that actually had been the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. I wouldn't shut the dog away given it is elderly, harmless and would become upset. If anyone doesn't like it, they can choose not to come. They cannot dictate that you upset your pet in it's own home and their reaction involving others sounds pathetic.

My dog was a family member. ( placid friendly female black lab)
My dog was not shut away and anyone who objected would be shown the door (nobody ever did object)

It doesn't revolve around dogs either

It does in the dogs own home 😆

So let me get this straight. You aren’t prepared to shut your dog away as she will be scared, shaking and stressed….but …..hy the same token you just expect little kids to get over their fear and be around your placid dog.

So you’ll do it for your dog but not for other children.

Kids come before dogs as does being a good hostess and not standing your ground because it’s ’your house’.

Its a typical response of my dog isn’t xxx but you have no understanding of the real fear dogs can have for some people.

I would choose my kids friendships over leaving my dog out. My kid has a good friend who is terrified of dogs. We don’t expect him to get over it we shut the dog away. YABU.

Oh god, you're going to tell me 'dogs are people too ' ....

Consideration for humans trumps consideration for pets. A child's fear trumps a pet's unhappiness - and in our household it would be unacceptable for a pet to cry uncontrollably.
Of course there's nothing wrong with your conveying that it's an unhappy one-time favor and she should help her child overcome the fear.
Odd to me that it doesn't seem that you offered the possible middle ground of putting the dog on a leash securing it to the side so it can't get loose.

No of course it won’t impact your children while she plays with her 8 friends though it will impact on the child who has been left out.
You are coming across as childish and smug, your comment on her poor spelling and grammar was also a low blow while you paint yourself as the reasonable person here.
The baby gate would be an ideal solution to the problem and even though the other 8 children are comfortable around dogs doesn’t mean they should be given the responsibility around a dog that is old and can easily behave out of character.
A child could easily stamp on the dog.

After reading this I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. She doesn’t have a right to come to your house. I know she doesn’t want her kids missing out and she’s being a protective mama bear but you’ve been nice and polite to her and offered solutions. How will you handle it when you see her in person? Has she caused a rift in the group dynamics and made it awkward?

Nope!! Just that they have the right to a peaceful life in their own home without other peoples kids screaming because they are scared of them