AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Gosh. I hope they’ve got a bit nicer and more tolerant as they’ve grown up?

There’s a depressing lack of understanding of phobias on this thread. It’s completely logical from an evolutionary perspective for humans to be scared of predatory animals - and for some people, when they encounter even a small and domesticated dog, it triggers the part of the brain that screams “Wolf!” That’s the threat they’re reacting to, not the placid pet in front of them. Phobias can improve, but it takes a lot of work and courage and consensual exposure in a calm and supported environment - not an oblivious owner shouting “He’s really friendly, I promise!” as their dog tries to lick the face of a terrified child.

Not that any of that answers your question, OP!

I would shut the dog away.
Not to pander to mother or the dog fearing children who really need taken to task for such nonsense.

But because, for one a dog should be able to be shut away in a room in a house it's used to, without whining and fussing. Can't be doing with that from dogs.

Also, it's not fair to any dog, certainly an older one , placid or not, to be surrounded by hyper children. They inevitably get stood on, cuddled tightly, pulled or otherwise put upon. And if the dog reacts to that that and growls or snaps, the dog gets the blame. Why put it in that position?

She needs to sort her kid's fear of dogs out as there is no reason for it. Does it come from the mum?

I could understand if you had a massive bouncy dog around young kids but an old beagle? She is being ridiculous.

They'll just miss out on the playdate.

She has to support her children being able to exist in a world with dogs. You have an elderly beagle, not five XL bullies. YANBU and I'm very much in the pro child over animals camp usually.

My friend shuts her dog away cos he’s a bit nippy.

No pets - YABU.

What, purely by existing? Not all dogs go around scaring children. The OP said nothing had ever happened to them, it's an irrational fear (as they tend to be).

Typical mumsnet. Yes deaf if dogs are a real thing and most of you sound unhinged and selfish. There are polite ways of saying sorry I can accommodate that and I am so sorry you are in this position. Let’s arrange a middle ground the next time. People are so selfish. I would of course try accommodate a child who has a real fear of dogs.
my kids love dogs and would happily have them round but I can appreciate someone’s else fear. Without being an arse

I offered to leash or tether but child's mum said they wouldn't come in if they could see the dog at all.

Dog owners are never beating the allegations, because look how unhinged some of you sound on here.

Obviously it's your house OP and you have the right to say no, and I don't even think that's wrong. My daughter is afraid of dogs and I would have made an effort to plan the playdate elsewhere, and if it wound up at your house, baby-girl and I are doing something else fun for the day instead.

What sucks are the attitudes on here as though being afraid of dogs is some type of moral failing. And I will not entertain any foolishness that places pets and children as equal beings in society in general. It's only because many of you look down on children because if a pet was being put above you or your older parents sense would knock you on the head sharpish.

@QuarryQueen
I've a dog and if visitors visit she just sits there and lets them get on with it
Those girls reactions to me seem extreme and with the mothers tacit approval I'm wondering if it's a way of making it all about her and her girls so they have some vague hold over the group?
She did try to guilt trip you don't forget
And what led them to be scared in the very first place?
I'd ask that but then I'm me.
It's not natural especially as they've never been attacked and its like they both seem to work eachother up don't they??
And I'm willing to bet they've neighbours who have dogs so they just have to get on with it then
Have the party
And invite them
Let everyone know you did
And that your dog will not be locked away because its your house
And wannabe queenbe
Don't pay your bills!

Why is she not nice? Because she is refusing to be guilt tripped for not wanting to lock her elderly dog causing him distress?

How old is your baby girl? Is she a baby or older?

A phobia is, by definition, irrational. She can't help it. I can't believe how harsh some people are being.

Just as well that no one needs you to entertain anything, then.

OP’s dog, and his comfort in his own home, is of course more important to OP than this child.

I have a son who is terrified of dogs after a friends ‘shy and placid dog’ jumped up and bit him. He now has a very intense fear of all dogs, luckily my friends and family are compassionate enough to keep them out of the way when my son comes over which I really appreciate. You seem to lack compassion over their fear yet have plenty for your dog who doesn’t like to be left out…..

What does this say, huh?

Obviously it's your house OP and you have the right to say no, and I don't even think that's wrong.

You mean the part of your post I wasn’t addressing?

I'd shut the dog away for an hour or so with a big eye roll. If it's going to be more than an hour then I think I've made my compromise and it's going to roam thereafter.

I get some children have had a bad experience with dogs and I'm sympathetic to their fear.

Children who are scared of dogs for no reason on the other hand. Let's just say their parents are total idiots and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree 🌴

So the child can be distressed but the dog can’t?

“ I completely understand why this play date doesn’t work for you. No worries I’ll invite someone else”

I am completely compassionate of the fear. My own DD was scared of dogs other than our own until she was about 3.5 after a friend's Dachshund barked in her face and jumped at her when she was about 15 months old. I had to work with her to show her not all dogs are scary as lots of family members and friends have dogs I knew I'd need to help her get over the fear. I wouldn't have asked those people to remove their pet because of her fear though, she's my child and that was for me to help her manage.
Of course I have compassion for my elderly dog, it would be strange if I didn't. She couldn't care less about being left out. She is very confused by noises she can't see the source of and when she is also on her own this makes her very anxious which leads to crying, vomiting and shaking.

I have a very soppy mid size dog who looks like a puppy ( she isn’t ). She was on the lead in the park and veered slightly towards a man walking in the other direction. He gave the most alarmed shriek completely taking me by surprise. Obviously I quickly reeled her in. I understand that some cultures can be particularly frightened of dogs and of course other people have genuine phobias. It’s my job to keep my dog away from people not the other way around. If I invite people into my home then I’ll need to cater for their needs. My DD has a friend who can’t have gluten so we make sure she has plenty of food options when she comes. It costs us a little bit extra but this is someone important to my DD and I’d want her to be comfortable here. If someone was afraid of my dog then I’d arrange for someone to take her out or send her to a doggy daycare.

It IS the part of my post you addressed. I commented on OP's decision and general societal attitudes and YOU replied referring to OP's decision. So again, what does that say???

How many compromises should the OP offer or is the only option for some that this specific playdate occurs with the dog shit away.

The playdate isnt appropriate for the dog or this child so in this situation the child can attend one of the many other meet ups and that means everyone including the dog wins.