AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Uninvite the kids if they will be that stressed by the dog's presence. As the dog is 12 I think it would be really unkind to shut her away - if the dog was younger I’d suggest a pen or crate but given the dogs age I wouldn’t subject her to it.

I do shut mine in their pen when we have younger visitors but they are not out of sight as mine cry if they can hear people but can’t see the action. I don’t have guests who don’t like dogs and we are past the days of play dates here (yay!)

It boils down to how much you care about your kid having a relationship with these mums’ kids.

This. If your own children want those friends to come, you seem to be putting your dog before your children.

I won’t shut the dog away. These girls should use this opportunity to get rid of their dog phobia.

Pet carer and while I would normally prioritise my own dog over anyone else, this is different. For your own sake, I'd have agreed to start with your dog behind a barrier, on the condition that the children make the effort to say hello and start getting used to your dog because it wouldn't be the case that you'd continue locking up your dog forever. That way, bit by bit, the children get over this irrational fear. Have other kids line up to say hello first and then those kids will copy them and feel silly for not joining in. Peer pressure working positively for once.

This way, you protect yourself from the backlash from pet-free parents who don't get that it's like asking you to lock away your child ffs. You gave the parent in question a choice this way and it's up to them if they come.

Or maybe dog owners should actually train their dogs and not allow them to scare small children?

It’s not a competition between kids and the dog. Dog is old and scared of being alone and cries. It’s not as simple as op putting dog above her kids.

I got bitten by a dog, aged 2 in Liverpool.

Some people are more into dogs than people. Not me.

Love all animals though.

Why should she try everything? Intensive phobia therapy to be near a dog?! Why should she? Why do people need to be OK around dogs? Spoken from a dog lover myself but honestly... wow

Having just been bitten by a dog thats left me with a massive bruise, it also bit my ds, I had been around the friends house less than 30 seconds, I will not go around hers or anyone else house now unless dog is put in another room.

In this case, dog has not scared any children, so op has nothing to worry about. It’s the mother of scaredy kids who needs to teach her kids not everything in life is a danger.

This and actually coming round and seeing a nice placid dog and getting used to dogs could be a really positive thing for these girls.

Their mother is being ridiculous and needs to take a reality check - loads of people have dogs ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes, I am sure it will impact my child's well-being significantly if this one friend doesn't come round for a playdate with her other 8 friends. I'll pay for the therapy bill when she's older.

‘Her kid’s comfort’ isn’t something she can demand OP meets at the expense of OP’s dog in its own home. Rather than be fuming about OP rightfully declining her request, she can accept the no and put her kid first by keeping her at home.

I don’t have dogs but I do have 2 children with absolute phobia of dogs and cats. The eldest was caused by irresponsible family members with big dogs (not being considerate of a young baby and letting 2 boisterous dogs run at us while he was in my arms as a 1 year old - he was terrified) well it stuck and has impacted the younger one. I would have appreciate the family members at least shutting the dogs away until we settled and let them come in calmly etc. but hey ho.

I know you say your dog is calm, but still think it would be kind to consider the children who are terrified. You may know your dog is safe but the children with the fear cannot process that.

With my children they quite often get dogs run up to them in the park and the owners shout “they’re friendly!!” Or we’ve been in a cafe where we literally couldn’t exit because a giant Irish wolfhound is blocking the door and the owner just says push past?! 🤣 we had a small chihuahua run loose in a cafe recently and the owner let it piss under our table which hasn’t helped matters as the kids now think they are either going to get bitten or pissed on.

It’s a bit like if the child was scared of heights and you made them do a bungee jump while saying “oh but the rope is secure!”

Or Maybe you should read the post before replying. The dog in the op didn’t actually do anything and they’ve never had a bad experience with dogs. They’ve just always been hysterical.

Had lunch out a few years back, there was only one outside table left. Girl in adjacent table became almost hysterical over my small dog. Normally I would have moved but I had no choice. I assured child and parents that my dog wasn't a problem and settled her under the table. By the time we left the child was petting my dog. TBH there are millions of dogs in this country and you are presenting the family with an opportunity to overcome a distressing phobia that they will encounter again and again. I don't think that you're being unreasonable.

you are right to refuse and she was right to ask. However the fact that she is kicking off is wrong. We have a small elderly dog and I had four children round a few weeks back , I had no idea that one was terrified of dogs until after they had been round. My dog slept the whole time and then potter around at the end when parents came to collect then one of the parents said oh my my DC is terrified of dogs. I didn’t know you had a dog. Her DC was happy and hadn’t even noticed a dog was there! She saw it when she left and just ignored it as my dog ignored her.

stick to your rules in your house. My dog would hate to be shut in a room for 5 mins later alone a few hours and would get stressed. So I totally understand it.

Of course she can decline, but she was looking out for her kids by asking to see if there was a way they could be included. I know this forum has an issue with people asking for accommodations but that's allowed, and you can always say no, which OP did.

You’re not very nice, I’d say. Or you like a drama.

I find this attitude of "dogs matter as much as children" absolutely bewildering. I also think that you don't understand how someone can be very scared of a dog regardless of your assurances that the dog is friendly. When does an owner ever say yeah sorry my dog is really dangerous and likely to bite? People always think their own dogs are great, so that's not going to reassure someone who's got a pathological fear.
You can do whatever you want in your own house, but I would help my child to develop friendships with as many children as possible, and that means showing some common sense and empathy. There have been loads of parents in my children's primary school who would always put their animals into a separate room during playdates without ever needing to be asked. I don't get why you're being so difficult and if you're really trying to make your kid/home unpopular for playdates. Other parents are not likely to think very kindly of your inflexible attitude, whether their own kids are scared or not.

Well then they can avoid places where dog exists and not complain they have to miss out on things those who are not afraid of dogs don’t.
Same as any other phobia. Afraid of heights, stay afraid but don’t complain of missing out if your friends going climbing.

My dog is very placid but it would not work to shut him away as it’s just not something he is used to when we are at home so he wouldn’t settle and would cry and scratch the door to get out. Instead, what I have done in these situations is to have a soft lead that I can clip to my belt hole on my trousers so the dog is with me the whole time rather than roaming free. I can host but also keep control of the dog and the guests feel safe that the dog can’t get to them if they don’t come to close to me. Then I find it means the nervous person starts to feel safe and often gradually get braver and starts to get comfortable with the dog. Could something like that work? It could also help them to get used to dogs in a safe environment.

My own daughter was terrified of dogs until she got to know a really placid dog and it resolved her fears.

My friend in my teenage years was really scared of dogs, but then got to adore our dog so much that she would take her for walks on her own.

I think the mum is the root of the fear. Perhaps a bit of meeting dogs, esp one so gentle as yours is exactly what her children need! And no, I wouldn't shut my dog in another room either. If I'd had a bouncy dog or a nervous dog, I'd not have a playdate in my house either.

I have a dog phobia, and have since very young but it is due to an incident happening when i was a toddler
I think you are right not to shut the dog away, presuming you are correct that she is very placid. This is your home, the dogs home, and you sound like a very responsible owner.
Those with dog phobias cannot expect to not be around dogs their whole lives, nor people to pander to their phobias. They will come across dogs eventually even if they try to avoid them, and they have to learn to deal with it.

I say this with compassion but it is important. One of my best childhood friends had a rottweiler and i was scared but didnt want to not see her so i made myself go and visit her sometimes, no harm came to me and although I am still a bit wary about dogs in my 40s, its only ones who are off lead and large breeds.

No one has said the woman was unreasonable for asking, only for her reaction at being told no.