AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

It all depends, my dog would have fathered being in a different room as would be stressed but if dog more distressed at being shut away I don’t think that’s fair

Going to a playdate with a dog would be the last in a series of steps of exposure therapy. You would slowly build up to this starting with looking at pictures, seeing a dog at a distance etc etc

I understand why people are advising this and that it's coming from a good place. My dog has been with us since she was 2. We've learnt her ways and what works and what doesn't. We are sensible dog owners and would take any steps needed to ensure safety of children and the dog. When children are around she usually stays by my side or goes to her bed which is in a hidden cubby hole that I don't allow the children to go near or in, including my own.

Pet owner and I say YABU.

Some MNers expect dogs to behave like robots. No allowances for elderly dogs or rescue dogs that arrived with issues and so on.

In an ideal world the child wouldn’t be scared of dogs and the elderly dog (who’s also blind and in pain!) wouldn’t be scared of being alone. But that’s not the case so unfortunately the kid can’t visit. Nothing to do with treating dogs like children and if you think it is you must have a warped idea of parenting!

OP just wondering, as you have other dates booked in with this group, could you swap things around so that the playdate at yours is on one of the other dates when your dog care is available?
Completely agree you can't shut your beagle away, not least because your own child (and possibly others) will be upset hearing the dogs distress. Having had a dog with the same age related separation anxiety I know it's not fair on them.

I would put my dog away but my dog is large and easily excited and he’s fine with being put in another room.

the scenario you describe i wouldn’t.

In an ideal world every household would not own a dog. I love my dog but she’s a dog. I don’t let children near her but I’ve no problem putting her away for a child to feel comfortable rather than leave the child out from a group setting
My DS was terrified of dogs, he still doesn’t like other people’s dogs unless they are placid or completely ignore him.

The first thing you should teach a dog is how to settle on its own. We absolutely adore ours but they settle when visitors come in, no jumping, no sniffing crotches, no being a nuisance. Not everyone likes dogs and we preferred not to allow our dogs near if we had play dates, all of ours are very placid but we prefer not to take risks. You can have a really placid dog and an energetic child that your dog isn’t used to and that’s a recipe for an accident happening. Your dog doesn’t have great sight and is elderly, I wouldn’t be putting any of my dogs in a position of being clapped by young children and ours are all very used to children. Any dog can turn at any time especially in the heat. If your dog isn’t used to settling on it’s own then don’t have play dates unless it’s outside your home especially of a child is frightened of dogs, it’s best to keep everyone safe including the dog.

Hmm…I would never push anyone to lock their dog in another room, so YANBU from that perspective. But my 5yo is scared of dogs who eagerly come to sniff and greet her - and often jump on her. I don’t much like this myself either and I’m often surprised how the owners don’t stop their dog from jumping on guests they have invited to their home. So, a play date around a dog like this would be very stressful for my child and I’m so glad her good friends parents have offered to put the dog to another room behind a closed door. Just saying this as a general comment as you say your dog is calm. I would be fine if a truly calm dog would stay around my DD as surely she would get used to the dogs presence.

Dog care isn't available until second week in August unfortunately and dates are all before then. DH could have the dog for one of the dates when he is home but we'd probably have a similar issue with whining at noises she can't see the source of. I did suggest that date swap as an option though. Haven't had a response yet.

"so let me get this straight, your putting a dog before my kids"

I'd have replied:
YES I AM. I deal with my family (which includes my dog) and you deal with yours.
Oh and learn to use 'you're' properly. Your grammar is rubbish, as is your attitude

I do shut my dog away but only if it’s for less than an hour because he does whine and gets upset. I do think it’s your house therefore your rules. My children have met many pets during play dates including a snake! They were terrified but warmed to it in the end!

No way would I be locking my dog away. It will do those girls good to meet a dog instead of that stupid screaming for nothing. Silliness. If you don’t like the dog living there then they don’t come to the play date.

Don't even get me started her use of there, their and they're 🤣

Seriously though, I was so taken aback I didn't know what to reply. This mum is very opinionated but not usually confrontational with it. It was just very awkward in the group message to be honest!

Unfortunately they are going to have to learn they don’t live in a world that will always accommodate their hysteria. What on earth are these kids going to be like when they realise in the real world you can’t avoid dogs? It that sort of hysterical reaction that attracts a dogs attention. Their mother really should be working on this rather than expecting everyone else to accommodate it.

I love my dog but would keep him away from a child who was scared of dogs (I'd probably put a time limit on the play date though).

All dogs are dogs. Treating them with kindness doesn’t change that. Pretty shit to shut your dog away if it starts showing signs of distress in its old age.

I have suggested we swap with another playdate when DH is home to have the dog in another room but I haven't had a response yet. I'm not 100% sure the dog wouldn't still whine so I'm not sure she'll be happy with that as a compromise.

What do you think will happen when the girls come to OP’s house and meet this dog? They’ll say ‘oh actually you’re right, nothing to be frightened of after all!’ And crack on stroking the dog, never to be scared again? More likely, they’ll do that ‘silly screaming’ and frighten the dog. Phobias are irrational - simply putting a terrified child in a situation they’re scared of will not cure it, and in this case will likely upset the dog too.

Clearly, the mum just needs to opt out of this play date if the dog can’t be shut away, and OPs daughter will have to cope with the disappointment that this friend can never come to her house.

I would put my dog away in a comfortable room, or have her taken out a walk by someone, purely to save her the absolute chaos of a 5 year olds play date.

I have a beautiful big golden who is very placid but I do shut her away when we have kids. I’m always worried someone might say she’s done something to them so I protect her! Not sure why I think that as they’re our friends who come round. So I put her in another room.

I do see your point though if your dogs older and gets stressed by this. Mine doesn’t so she’s ok. Would probably be a different situation if she did as your dog is your family

She IS dealing with her family by trying to make sure her kids will be comfortable at the playdate.

I wouldn’t lock my dog away. Mostly because there’s no point - she can open every door in the house and would just jump over a baby gate! She’s a big dog, extremely friendly but a bit bouncy and exuberant, so I would understand someone not wanting to visit and would just arrange to do something outside of the house.

In your case, YANBU. You have multiple other play dates arranged and other guests to accommodate. I’m terrified of heights - if all my friends wanted a day out at go ape, or suggested a sky dive, I would just sit it out and see them next time. She should not have been rude to you or tried to cause issues in the group. Her DDs phobias are for her to manage, not you.

My DC was very scared of dogs because of an owner allowing their dog to run at my DC aggressively barking. They were then scared of any unfamiliar dog no matter how placid or taking no notice of them. But honestly the amount of times owners let dogs come up to children barking etc. I wouldn't be suprised if something had happened to scared the girls. I was only really aware of it after my DC became scared. I'm a pet owner and previously had dogs. Personally, I would try and find a compromise because while I love dogs I also know how awful it is to have a DC who is petrified of them and unfortunately it took a long time for my DC to get over it because most owners don't care. Incidentally, the one dog my DC was ok with was a friend's dog who was very well trained.