AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

No pets. I think these girls are going to miss out on experiences if their mum keeps pandering to their irrational fears. YNBU.

I have a pet and I’d definitely shut her in one room if a child was genuinely afraid. Tbh, I would expect dogs to be away in this sort of event anyway - too many unknowns. And absolutely everyone thinks their dog is lovely and placid - until it isn’t.

If my dog was very upset to be shut away, I wouldn't. The other mother has a choice to either send her children to your home or not. She doesn't get to manipulate you into changing your environment for her children. She sounds awful actually.

Yanbu, it is your house. I would shut my dog away but he's not 12 and wouldn't cry. If he would then I wouldn't and I'd have the same response as you. It's not your problem her kids have got a phobia of dogs. She really should be trying to sort that out. My sons friend was nervous around dogs but liked meeting my dog as he's very chilled out. It's her choice not to come and of course your own dog comes before her kids, state the bloody obvious!

Honestly OP, she’s elderly, half blind with a spinal condition and you want to keep her out with a bunch of 5 year olds running about? Especially when she likes to sleep in the way (like under the trampoline). For her own safety, she should be put out the way. I say this kindly with my own elderly rescue dog and a 5 year old son. Mine is always put away for play dates. She also can’t handle the door being shut so we have compromised with a baby gate so she can see the kids and they can stroke her if they want but she can’t get to them. If it’s a lot of kids/a lot of noise, I will sometimes get her a special bone and she is usually happy to chew it and chill.

I really dislike dogs and totally understand the fear, but this is your home. I wouldn't shut a family pet away, the Mum is being very entitled. They should skip the play date.

Your house. It’s unfortunate the child doesn’t like dogs, but it is what it is. Visitors have to fit in with your routine, not the other way round. Maybe arrange a separate play date outside the home with her daughter at another time.

I don't have a dog and don't particularly like them. I used to be scared of dogs as a child but have got better over time. My daughter is also scared of dogs but is starting to gain confidence through being exposed to a friend's lovely calm dog. I think the unreasonable thing here is the other mum's response to you declining her request to shut the dog away.

I can understand that her children are very scared of dogs, but as others have pointed out, they're going to bump into dogs incidentally all the time, so wouldn't it be a great opportunity to help them get used to dogs by starting with your placid dog in a safe environment? You could put the dog away temporarily when they arrive, then maybe bring the dog into the garden on a lead to start with and they can watch other children interacting with it from a distance. If they then see you take the lead off and see that the dog isn't even interested in them, that should help them to understand that the dog is closely supervised by you and not a threat. It might take a few visits but they would get used to it.

I hate it when people babble about their dogs as "opportunities" to get rid of fears. It typically means they don't understand the issue and are just inconvenienced by people who don't automatically adore their dogs.

"It's the dogs home and it should be able to/shouldn't have to" often translates to "I don't care about you".

You said that the dog can't be shut any more - older dogs who start changing their behaviour about things they tolerated before are relatively more dangerous, as you never know what's hapenning inside them, but clearly something is.

You think it’s weird that my dogs trump your humans, in my and their home? I don’t. I wouldn’t expect to bring my dogs to your home. Your house, your rules and if I don’t like them, I’m free not to come.

I dont think you can really keep dog in a separate room if it gets to stressed. Surprised that parent isnt happy to have dog on lead beside you throughout.

Perhaps having to miss out on playdates etc will encourage the DC to try and cope with dogs. I dont particularly like dogs, but theyre everywhere so it would be a really crippling phobia.

No way I would shut my dog away. If it was one of the savage baby eating ones you read about on MN then I might think about it but a placid, elderly beagle who’s home it is? Nope!

I remember the days when dogs were treated like dogs and not like children.

I don’t think the mum needed to be so furious, if the answer is no then that’s that.

However I do have a dog, and a 7 yr old and one of her friends is scared of dogs so we arrange for one of us to take the dog out whilst shes over. I don’t see the point in restricting dds play dates because of the dog.

If you can’t physically arrange that and beagle won’t be happy in a room with his bed and a chew then so be it.

neither of you are in the wrong. But it is the children who miss out and that’s worth thinking about.

I did suggest she be on a lead or tethered and the mum replied "I understand what you're saying but they won't go into your garden if they can even see the dog".

I will see if I can find a picture of just her to share 😊 she still has the softest ears! I'm sorry you lost yours ❤️

We have a placid Labrador. We kept the baby gate and use it to keep ddog safe from frightened or careless visitors. Usually find frightened children become inquisitive once they see ddog isn’t leaping the gate to eat them up and on a second of third visit they will accept ddog being around once they are settled and busy with something else.

You could offer for them to come along and meet ddog beforehand.

Horrible for the kids to be scared of dogs as they are everywhere! But sensible they should be cautious of unknown dogs anyway.

It's tricky. I have a friend who is terrified of dogs, it's an irrational fear but I have an irrational fear about something else so I understand how overwhelming it can be. In your shoes, I think I'd try putting our dog in another room for a while as @ViolettaScrambler suggests on the proviso that the other Mum supervises the children as you'll need to check on her regularly and possibly take her outside.

Re. People saying that your dog isn't adequately trained. All I can say is that our dog (also 12) has become far more timid and easily distressed with age. I think it's because his senses are failing (eyesight and hearing).

Isn't that exactly what exposure therapy entails?

It’s easy to tell on this thread who has/has had a dog and who hasn’t.
A dog is an animal that you have a responsibility to look after their welfare. They aren’t disposable playthings to lock behind a door for hours at a time because they’re inconvenient for an irrelevant play date.
OPs responsibility is the welfare of her family and that includes pets. This 100000% trumps some random child wanting to come for a play date.
I would never stress out my dog in their own home to the point they’re shaking/crying/vomiting so a random child can come over to play?!
If the child doesn’t want to come, fine. They can come to all the other play dates. If the group as a whole want to change location of the play date so everyone can attend, that’s also fine.
that child’s mum does NOT get to guilt OP into neglecting her dog.

OP is correct.

Nah. Your home your rules, I actually think it’s quite rude that she is insisting.

Your house your choice. But I don't think itis unreasonable to ask for a dog to be shut away for a few hours if a child is frightened of dogs.

🤣🤣 never heard such nonsense!

I think it might be a good opportunity for the children to get to know a dog and maybe try to overcome their fear. I think where mums enable things like this it breeds the fear. They should reassure their children because allowing them to be scared could mean they are always terrified.

I was going to suggest a baby gate as others have. I have cats and one of my sons friends doesn't like cats so I shut them away or outside when he comes over. I think it's just compassionate to understand people's phobias, which they can't control, and to make them feel comfortable in your home.

OP could you get a baby gate to pop your dog in another room but it can still see you?

”so let me get this straight, your putting a dog before my kids" !!!!

WTF!

Sorry but I would tell her to do one!
I Wouldnt Let her anywhere near my house / beagle.
Wouldn’t even let her look at them.