AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

The mother said to you, in a group setting “so let me get this straight….”

im sorry OP but i wouldn’t put up with being spoken to like that. She and her kids wouldn’t be welcome in my (and my dog’s) home.

rude cow.

If all avenues have been exhausted and the dog owner is genuine in their collaboration to make it work, I agree with you – as you can see, I never agreed with a dog being shut away for my daughter.

But it’s clear the OP is just annoyed and belligerent about it right off the bat, including being disdainful of how she saw the girls reacting to a dog in the park. She doesn’t care to understand fears and she has no sympathy for them. For that reason, she is behaving stubbornly.

Usually when we have kids around they don't even bother with her and she doesn't bother with them. I set the boundaries with new visitors from the get go and I always watch the dog (she is usually at my heels anyway or lay in her bed/under the trampoline) and if a child does approach her wanting to stroke her I always monitor the interaction. I was attacked by my own family dog in my teens out of the blue which was due to unknown pain so I'm aware of how it can go wrong and am very vigilant.

Ah okay, I'm maybe judging your dog based on how I would feel with a houseful of kids!

I think you're correct putting a much loved family member above some irrational kids.

I have a dog. Or I should say, I had a dog until a week ago. Friendliest loveliest cocker girl. Passed away at 12yo. I host playdates regularly and warn potential newcomers that we have such and such friendly dog. I would not shut her off, especially if she’s stressed about it. You can say - she is a member of our family and being shut off would cause her incredible stress and harm and would be completely inhumane. Obviously, obviously those children should just skip this playdate or it can be rescheduled for a completely dog free area such as a soft play. To me, it would be like shutting one twin in a room while the other is playing with their friends. If the other mum is a religious person, you can say this dog is a God’s creature and will be suffering immeasurably if shut away.

You can say to the group, this is our conundrum, the shutting out of the dog is out of the question, these are the two options, 1 - soft play or someone else’s house, 2 - my house with the dog present. Let the democracy determine the outcome.

There is no reason why you should do this, but it is rather horrid to really upset a child or mean they can't join in with their friendship group. Maybe this date could be rearranged to the park or a local play centre.

We have dogs, I’d shut them away.

I have a dog. I would not shut him away for other people's children. When I had young children we had a cat. He was never shut away or out either. I don't see any reason why one should because it's their home. One solution is to let the dog have the run of the house and shut the DC in a room to play, eat etc. Do painting and activities. Dog in garden when the affected DC leave.

Can the girls be introduced to your dog ahead of time. It'll need to be slowly slowly, but I've used my dogs to help kids with phobias. Obvs no idea why these girls have issues with dogs, but your dog shouldn't have to suffer because they react excessively to dogs.

I don’t think she was unreasonable for asking, I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to refuse but I get why but her reaction to your refusal is really ott and quite unfair.

Could you not compromise and shut her away for an hour so the little girl can come for the first half and then see how she goes if you let your dog out after that and/or try and keep her in the garden with yours inside with free reign of the house.

Honestly, I’d shut my dog away of if I was hosting ten 5 yr olds. It’s not fair on the dog, who may well be very stressed by all the noise.

Have read more now and can see I'm in a minority! The other mum does sound very entitled too. HOwever I do still feel the same way though, as always safer for a dog to be away from groups of screaming kids some of whom are scared.

I have a cat, and I'd shut him away if a child was scared.

I couldn't manage any sort of allergy scenario, but a one-off visit, it might help her to manage with the dog in another room.

My son is irrationally terrified of robot vacuum cleaners and my friend tore her husband a new new one for setting it off around him (how well he expected it to clean with six adults and four toddlers in the house I'm not sure).

I did make this point as she most definitely would whine the whole time.

She hasn't told me what they've tried just "they've tried everything" and I didn't press any further. When I witnessed it she picked them up and said "I know you're scared" a few times then encouraged them to walk when it was out of sight. I don't know if that's a therapy tactic or just what she has found works best

So weird how dogs trump humans these days. The world is completely mad.

I’d take her for a good walk and then make ger comfortable in another room with some nice snacks and keep her away from that many kids for her own sake

youre not being unreasonable, but I do put my dogs out the way when my son’s friend who is scared of dogs visits, more because I don’t want the fuss and my dogs don’t mind. I think the mother is the unreasonable one

No, I wouldn't be pandering to this rubbish. Its an elderly dog who would be distressed being shut away. She's friendly and uninterested in the children. If they can't cope with her calmly existing in the same room, they can wait a bit to visit until they grow out of it.

Yes, OPs dog trumps someone else’s children who don’t have to be in her house

I've said YANBU, as your house, your dog, your rules. Her reaction seems OTT, as they have the option not to come.
However, as a parent of a child who is terrified of dogs, I always appreciate those who pop them in another room or outside during playdates. My child is fine so long as the dog keeps its distance, but would get very upset if a dog tried to jump up or barked at them. Often, if they haven't been separated, once the owner sees my child's reaction, they remove their dog anyway. It's all well and good saying you need to teach your child not to overreact - and we do try, particularly when out and about - but everyone has things they are afraid of and you can't just turn off a phobia.

Your daughter presumably wants this friend to visit? If it were me, I would put my child before my dog every time. If your dog is going to get so stressed, can you or your partner sit with her?

It’s not a case of dogs trumping humans for goodness sake 🙄
The child and her mum can either decide to visit on OP’s terms or not. It’s that simple.

Good opportunity for the kids to get used to a dog - you can’t go through life being terrified of dogs! Surely she should take them where there are dogs to get used to them ? your dogs sounds lovely and perfect for the mum to introduce your dog to the kids and learn how to interact and pet them and see that they are not a threat

Our cat always makes himself scarce if we have visitors. As soon as they leave and we close the front door he reappears !

Cheeky thing! Do you ask people to shut their babies away? Or toddlers-they make a mess and run into people more than well trained dogs. If people choose not to have dogs (or kids) that's their right, but you don't tell others what to do with members of their family-and a dog expert once told me no one should have a dog if they don't consider him a member of the family!
More importantly, this awful person is causing issues for disabled people by making her kids scared of dogs. Disabled people are prevented from going to places because dogs are banned, by selfish women such as this. You can bet that if her kids became disabled and needed a dog, she'd be the first to complain about how hard it is to get a dog and how ableist it is that her kids couldn't enjoy things the same as others.