AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

She’s not being stubborn IMO, if the dog becomes incredibly distressed and there’s no one available to look after the dog then what can OP reasonably do?

We had a similar situation with our childhood dog. She was always grand being shut away until she went blind in old age, like OP’s dog. I assume it’s to do with being able to hear their owner, but not being able to get to them and feeling more vulnerable because they can’t see their surroundings. Ours would poop everywhere in fear, run into solid objects in a panic etc. It wasn’t that we’d been lax in never getting her used to being alone, she was just old and disorientated and no longer able to cope with things like she used to.

I’d say normally that it’s a good idea to train a dog to be ok being shut away for a couple of hours with a chewy treat, but an elderly dog losing its sight is a bit of an exception really. This isn’t anybody’s fault- it’s not the dog’s fault it’s old, it’s not the OP’s fault in this scenario that the dog can’t be shut away, and it’s not the child’s fault that he/she is scared. Sometimes there just isn’t a straightforward solution to a problem.

So, on this occasion, the mum can either bring her child and see how it goes with the OP making accommodations that ARE possible, like keeping the dog on the lead away from where the children are playing, or not come at all.

But the dogs rights to feel safe and secure in their own space does put the dog as higher up than this child who doesn’t have a ‘right’ to be at someone else’s house for a party. Understand you likely won’t agree but that’s factual

It's one play date. Out of a series of regular meet ups. The child absolutely can miss one play date.

I would consider a request to keep the dog in another room (or send her out for a bit with someone she trusts for the duration of the meet-up, if that's an option) and try to manage that if I could. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask. Since you have considered the request and there's no way to do it without substantially distressing your vulnerable dog, you are reasonable to say no and people should not continue to pester you to change your mind. Is there any way you could host the get-together at a different location, like another set of the involved parents' house or an outdoor venue?

I have a dog now, but used to be scared of them when I was little. A good way of getting over that fear was to take a placid dog for a walk and help look after it. There are dogs everywhere in this country and these children do need help to get over this fear. Maybe you should offer some support to this mum?

To quote an old mumsnet favourite (albeit usually about weddings)….

”it’s an invite, not a summons”

Mum of hysterical children is very welcome to decline the invite of she doesn’t think her kids would enjoy that environment.

No please, please do not shut the dog away in his own home :( I mean, you could get a baby gate to put on the door of a room where he can still see you, but can’t wander over to you all? Or keep him inside but keep the kids outside or vice versa? I categorically wouldn’t go any further than this though! Poor doggie 🐾

if the dog is whiney and crying the whole time, then the kids will hear it anyway, and start getting hysterical out of fear it will appear.

No win situation then for you OP.

if the mum isnt getting her kids counselling to overcome this then she is a foolish person who hasn't "tried everything" at all. If she is getting counselling and STILL expects people to pander to her children, then she needs to get a different one as it isnt working.

I would refuse based on her being absolutely fuming - she can't dictate what happens in your house, sounds like a right drama queen.

I would keep the dog in another part of the house though purely for the dogs benefit as it probably can't be arsed with a bunch of noisy kids.

When she asked me it was in the group messages and I felt out on the spot. I didn't use the words 'its her home' etc at first. I just said sorry I won't be able to do that but we'll see you on XXX day for our group trip to the farm. She then asked why and I felt a bit put on the spot responding to everyone so I just said she'd struggle being put behind the door hearing everyone. The mum then started saying "so let me get this straight, your putting a dog before my kids" so I said well it is my dog's home and later explained in more detail why she'd struggle being put away. I tried to respond to her separate from the group messages and explain/suggest a compromise such as tethering the dog on a long lead but she ignored that message until I repeated it in the group message.

They’re being ridiculous in my view. I’m not a dog person myself, but no way would I expect someone to lock their dog away when someone is visiting. They can either visit on your terms or they don’t visit 🤷‍♀️

I’d put the dog away. Though if I was this woman I would try and use your placid dog as a way of trying to get my kids used to them. And I certainly wouldn’t be ‘fuming’ - quick way to stop any future play dates!

Does it? When it’s whimpering and vomiting and scared? How terrible of you, your dog should be taken away by the RSPCA and you should be banned from keeping animals.

Unless of course your dog OK about being shut away and it’s happy to just be in another room while you have visitors. Unlike the OP’s dog.

The mum sounds hideous, and I wouldn’t indulge her nonsense.

Once or twice a year having the dog in another part of the house or better still someone ensuring a walk is taken is perfectly ok for both dog and the children.

I wouldn’t have shut our dog away for anybody. She would get very distressed at being shut away and would bark non stop - a thing she just didn’t usually do.
If the kids are so scared of the dog, they don’t need to come.
OTOH it would probably be a good thing if they could come, and eventually
realise that the vast majority of dogs are nothing to be frightened of.

Has their mother put them off, I wonder? Because I do know women who’ve put their kids right off dogs by saying they’re dirty, they have germs, they might bite you….

100%. My young child was bitten by a dog when we were walking outside (it was a loving family dog who’d never shown any aggression before). People who say ‘my dog would never do that’ are crazy. Every dog has the capability. I’m hyper vigilant with my dog around my own children and others, I monitor her stress signals because although she’s the most loving dog, raised from a pup around my kids, she could still turn depending on things like stress, pain, noise etc.

She genuinely isn't bothered. We've had birthday parties and things with more kids than this playdate will have and she just potters in the background, taking all the fuss she can get from anyone who offers a belly rub.

No. I did say earlier in the thread (fair enough you didn’t see!) that in this situation I would have politely declined and arranged a different play date at mine or a park for later that day or the next day or something. The other mum is out of order for being rude and I can see the OPs point of view. What is annoying me on this thread is a number of posters attitudes that the parents have done something wrong if children are scared of dogs, or that a dog phobia is ridiculous and children should just get over it.

I have a friend who got a puppy. I took my toddler over once, she shut the puppy away for an hour or so while it napped. Then it couldn’t be shut away any longer (fair enough), it barked and jumped up at my child so we had to leave (she was already scared at this point so this wasn’t the trigger for the phobia!). That was 5 years ago and I’ve never been back to her house since. This lady was once my best friend and now we hardly see each other or talk because it turned out it was always me putting the effort in to seeing her and once the option of me going to her house was removed, we hardly saw each other. But that’s a separate issue!

Apologies for not reading everything. I have a much beloved dog.
I would put him in a cool room out of the way with water treats and his bed.
The reason is, even tho he's fab, he's not overly used to 5 year olds and he's getting on a bit. If he snapped or nipped, or god forbid worse, cos he was overwhelmed - I would never ever forgive myself. Especially if he had to be taken away 😥😥

For your dog's sake, if there's screamy scared kids there, best to put him somewhere safe @QuarryQueen x x

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I do think the other parent's reaction to your answer, is unreasonable though.

My son used to be afraid of dogs when he was younger, but I wouldn't expect someone to shut their dog in another room and I certainly wouldn't ask them to do so. I'd have declined the invitation and stated why...if the other parent had offered at that point to shut their dog in another room, then that would be different.

The other Mum can't expect every person to accommodate her children's phobia, forever more. May be she needs to see about trying to help her daughters overcome their fears? Something must have happened, for them both to have developed a phobia, and to be hysterical.

A beagle howling behind a door will sound so scary. I know this because I lost my beagle last year and his howling sounded like he was being burnt alive 🥴 I do not suggest that this will help anybody scared of dogs!

Can you suggest that you have your lovely beagle on a short lead around you? The girl will be able to see the dog who is controlled by an adult she knows, will be able to see friends just ignoring the dog and she'll see the dog being chilled and calm.

Honestly, I really don't think the sound of a screaming beagle will help this little girl at all. I'd maybe suggest that mum stays for the duration and starts making steps to help her child overcome her fear whilst she is young, and whilst she can see friends who aren't bothered about the situation, or don't come.

Also, have you a pic of your girl? I really miss my beagle (had two - lost one last year and one the year before), and I miss them so much. Especially their ears 🥰

It’s a reasonable request but you’ve also given a completely reasonable response.

her reaction to your response is completely out of order

Totally 👏

I dont think YABU. But Id probably put doggy somewhere else but not shut away. Can someone else take the dog somewhere nice?