To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

I don't think you'll get much support on here.

Has your new partner met your DD?
What is their relationship like?
Were you planning on having all 3 of you in the same bedroom?

She has met her and they see each regularly. They have a good relationship.

You can see why your ex is concerned though??? You have lied plus the child is only 3. I'd be concerned too

No l wouldnt want my 3 year old going away with a stranger, I sharing a room with them.
Just take your daughter alone.

If she refuses consent you’d have to take her to court and argue it is in the child’s best interest.

I would be extremely uncomfortable about this as a mum, because you lied it will make her worry what else you’re lying about. What if you have a plan to abduct the child and go and live in Spain with the new girlfriend.

I would normally have agreed that you should be able to take her. Your lie makes me understand your ex’s position more.

I imagine that if you hadn't lied (which is a much bigger issue than the context of it) you might had stood half a chance.

You might be on the birth certificate, but you don't sound like you are the resident parent. Would I send my 3 year old to a foreign country with their father who tried to deceive me to do it, and some random woman I had never met? Absolutely no chance.

You could have handled this far better. Introduce your girlfriend to the mother of your child. They don't have to be friends but it's courtesy.

And don't bullshit to manipulate your own way. That's fucking awful.

She can't trust you because you're not trustworthy.

Seems like you fucked about and found out.

Just take your dd alone. No drama, no stress just you and dd. That’s assuming you are an active dad who has regular contact with his dd, knows how to look after her and pays his way.

Did you contribute to the cost of tje passport?

Then why on earth weren’t you honest about this.

you could write to her saying

‘you’re right the plan has changed and mum is off to Florida instead. I think it would be nice for daughter to have another adult there helping and to play with, so girlfriend will be coming too. As you know, daughter is comfortable with her and knows her. She won’t be left in her care alone though, I will be doing the parenting on the holiday. This will be a lovely opportunity for daughter to have a treat and spend quality time with her dad.

the flight details are x and the hotel is x.

i trust that you will supportive of this trip just like I have of you taking daughter on holidays.

Why can't you just take her alone. Why do you need your partner to come?

The fact that you’ve got a woman pregnant, come out of the relationship with her, started seeing someone else, introduced them
to each other and given it long enough for there to be such a good relationship when the child is only 3 would ring enough alarm bells to me. The fact that you lied about it all would make it a no. Really, what did you think was going to happen??

You can be just as good a dad in this country as you can in Spain- how much access do you have? How long have you been with your girlfriend?

In answer to your original question, you can stop lying.

This isn’t an option as my partner is booked on the holiday. It’s too late to change things as the holiday is happening in less than a week

Tbh I think the fact your ex was happy for you to take your daughter if you were going with your mum speaks a lot here, unfortunately you've fucked this one up. All you can do is be totally honest now and explain but if ex decides she doesn't want you to take daughter I don't think she's being unreasonable. She's only 3, I think she's young to be out of the country without her mum

If I was your Ex I'd be very concerned. If you'd lie about who is going to be there, how can she trust you about anything? It may well be that she was happy for DD to go with your Mum because she trusts your Mum to look after DD properly.
I'd want to be convinced that you were across things like monitoring and arranging for appropriate food, dealing with sun protection adequately ( rash vest/suncream etc and that you wouldn't be leaving DD in a club or with unknown babysitters. But how can she trust you at all? By your own admission, you've lied to get what you want.

Ps you shouldn’t be lying at all it puts your child in a terrible position having to keep secrets

I suppose your toddler’s mother originally agreed because she knows your mother is competent to look after the child?

Does know if you and your girlfriend are?

Would you be happy if the situation was reversed?

It’s the lying that’s the red flag here more than anything.

Same room? No way, especially after the lie.
When older maybe but three years old is a very vulnerable age and she would probably be missing mum and unable to verbalise it properly.

Then unless mum consents to hand over passports you’ll need to leave daughter behind, and consider mediation and court for future trips.

True never really thought about that aspect, what was your plan??!? Make DD lie about her grandmother being on holiday with her rather than your new partner?

3 is far too young to go that long without mum - presumably mum is primary carer if she holds the passport. That’s without even getting into anything else

Had you gone about things the right way, ie. Told ex about new woman and given her the chance to meet her so she could make an informed decision about if she feels comfortable with this new woman being in such close proximity to her child you might have stood a chance.