To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

Your dd is a tiny tot and barely knows you if you only see her every other weekend. Even on this basis, the holiday would be too much. It would be different if you looked after her 50/50. This is how very young children drown. You need to be very switched on to take such a young child overseas, and be with them 247.

You have also lied and breached her mother’s trust. Forget this holiday, it isn’t going to happen. I’d work on rebuilding your relationship with your ex, and spending more time with your dd so she is ready to go with you next summer.

I think your ex is right not to trust you. I wouldn't trust you with an ice cream for your DD let alone taking her to another country.

You have lied and deceived your DD's mother. Totally messed up and I suspect this isn't the first time as you appear well-versed in this situation.

Have you ever had her for five nights?

I think given how little he has the child each month the mother was being incredibly reasonable in letting her go abroad with him in the first place. He doesn't have a right to take her away just because her mother does he has responsibilities towards her and at present he appears to be putting the new partner above his daughter.

This is just a stupid thing to lie about.

Legally I don’t think she can object to you taking the child on holiday, or for another adult to be going with you, but surely it’s far better to be honest and you would expect reciprocal honesty if ex went on holiday too. This is less about what you’re allowed to do/entitled to do and more around how you and ex make each other comfortable with the continued treatment of your child.

go to court or go on your own.

Op I’d go with partner without daughter now tbh. Roles reversed you’d be the same as your ex wife

Legally doesn't matter - have some common decency and respect for your ex partner by allowing her informed consent to things in future. You're sly and sneaky and if I were your ex I'd want my child nowhere near you.

Legally, if the parent has concerns, in this case they are valid safe guarding concerns, the mother can insist on a court hearing. You would not be free to travel with dd whilst the judgment was pending. Otherwise it would be considered abduction, and you will be arrested and charged.

You have approached this in bad faith, and until your ex found out about your mother not going, you were fully prepared to tell a huge lie regarding who your 3 year old was actually with, and being taken care of by.

You are either immature or have had a number of girlfriends, hence the need of you to lie. Having said that, I wouldn't let you take my 3 year old on holiday with a stranger - even if you hadn't lied.

YABU

Flip it and reverse it op.

How would you feel if she said she was going away with the little one with her mum. Then actually it turned out to be some random man you didn’t know sharing a room with them.

And be honest none of this wouldn’t care because that gives your side strength when let’s face it 99% of good parents would care.

You lied you’ve broken her trust with her about your shared child what do you expect her to do? Go oh well your a deceitful lier who I cannot trust but yeah sure fine take our child aboard with random women I don’t know/don’t like and no doubt haven’t even shared where. Have a great time 🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

Your child is only three why is your gf even so involved tbh.

Not really. A solicitor would advise, but you’ve left it a bit late. If you’ve got PR, then she’s got no more rights than you.

Your lie has absolutely fucked you i'm afraid!

Actually, if the mum has a lives with order then she has the right to take the child abroad and the dad still needs permission.

No, technically she doesn’t.

However, without a court order you can’t go abroad with your child without her permission (just as she can’t without yours).

Lying was a daft idea. You’ll be very unlikely to be able to get a court date in less than a week.

God forbid you just go with your DD, hey? Now you've done DD out of a holiday because you told a lie.

I’d be quite interested to know how long you’ve been with your girlfriend, and how long your daughter has known her

I agree with this. Not only have you lied - you’ve lied about which adults will be taking her daughter out of the country. Very valid safeguarding concern and if it was me I’d raise it too.

Honestly OP I’m really not trying to be horrible but - what possessed you?! You can’t think you’d have actually gotten away with it? What if she bumped in to your mum while you were away? Your daughter telling her all about it when you got back?

For the sake of your future co-parenting relationship I hope you’ve apologised profusely.

If she's the resident parent, she has much more influence and her preferences will stand if dad can't show he's got a successful track record for parenting for this length of time.

Fwiw, IME of working with teens, these kinds of families, where Dad is all proud of himself for being an involved father but actually puts the DC in the middle of conflict, meaning they feel constantly torn between the parents, lead to far more damaged teenagers than those where the father has buggered off completely.

Stop thinking about your rights and worry about what you're doing to your three year old* child.

She has no right unless she has concerns to say who you do and don’t holiday with. But you’ve just given her concerns.

Neither of you can take the child aboard without The others permission technically unless the mum has a lives with then she can do what she wants holiday wise.

You’ve pretty much fucked up this holiday however. As there isn’t really the time for a court order to demand she hands over the passport mediation is normally the first step.

Firstly you lied which instantly makes you untrustworthy. How on earth is your ex supposed to trust you to keep your daughter safe abroad when you lied about who she will be with?

In the first place, you should have prioritised your daughter if you wanted to take her on holiday and made it about quality time with her, one to one. But IMHO 3 is far too young to be away from her mum (assuming she is her primary carer) for an extended period of time.

Legally they have the same right - which is to take the child abroad only with the permission of the other parent.

He gave permission for his ex to take her abroad so she could go.

She gave him permission until she found out he’d lied to her about the fundamentals of the holiday. She’s now withdrawn permission, as she’s entitled to do, and as he’d be entitled to do if he had concerns about her holiday.

This is not a sensible route, as it's a whole new lie, and he's already cocked up by lying once - why suggest he concocts another? He didn't plan on going with his mum and then she changed her plans. He was always going with his girlfriend. Imagine being the mum, chatting to her her ex-MIL after her Florida holiday and discovering she's been lied to not once but twice?

No Judge is going to grant you permission to take such a young child overseas given your dishonesty. Nor will they will be minded to take the risk with a child so young that has so little contact with the non resident parent. Why not opt for an outing instead? And do something a little more realistic this year.