To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

I’ve never seen anyone on here ‘hate dads’ only the shit ones

What you are dealing with here isn’t a problem. It’s a consequence of your actions.

As PPs have said, you have lied and now your ex (quite rightly) doesn’t trust you. If she can’t trust you she can’t be called unreasonable for not letting your daughter travel with you. You messed up and the only way through this is a court application or you chalk this one down to experience and learn from it. The later would show remorse and help with your relationship with your ex which whom you have to co-parent

That’s not really the point, the issue is you lied and now she’s concerned.

I’d have thought so yeah. How would you feel if your partner took DD away with some random bloke you didn’t know?

Well it might be happening for you & your partner but I highly doubt that will involve your child.
No way on this earth would I allow a three year old to go away with some randomer I'd never met and my lying ex.
You've proved yourself to be untrustworthy, you really need to concentrate on fixing that rather than this holiday.

Yeah, you've ballsed this one up. Don't count on taking DD. If I were your ex I'd say no too.

I actually don’t know, but I do think you’ve got a long, uncomfortable coparenting relationship ahead of you if you’re being awkward and lying about situations like this. Think about what is best for your child who will be stuck in the middle of all this all of her life if situations like this keep coming up.

Is it legal is your main concern when dealing with the upbringing of your shared daughter?

No, ex isn't 'entitled' to know who you're going on holiday with, but what kind of father would put his DD in the position of having to either keep the secret (lie) or be the one to tell her mother something he was too chicken to?

Of course it’s an option. It’s not complicated - your partner doesn’t turn up for the flight. You aren’t joined at the hip - people drop out of holidays/miss flights all the time. Go and enjoy some quality time with your daughter.

You are choosing to be a very part time dad so it’s only right that your ex gets a say in who her 3 year old holidays with when you have already tried to deceive her. What you’ve done is show she can’t trust you. If it were 50/50 custody my opinion would be different but there’s no chance I’d hand over the passport now if I were here because what else are you lying about?

That is the wrong question, unless you plan on taking legal action within the week - some kind of express court order? What is the likelihood?

The relevant question is how can you persuade your ex to hand over DD passport. Unfortunately I think that ship has sailed. It will be a long while before she trusts you again.

.

She probably doesn't care who you are going on holiday but she does care who her 3 year old is going on holiday with.

Legally, maybe not. But as her mother she absolutely had the right to know who her child is spending time with.
Worst case scenario and something happens to you while you’re away: your partner is then in sole charge of your daughter. Your ex needs to know she will be looked after properly.

I’m not sure from your post if your daughter has met your partner and gets on well with her, or your ex has met your partner, but, either way, the issue here is your dishonesty.

Does your own mum know you included her in this lie? I’d be raging if my son did this. Your problems are only just beginning OP.

@jj3457 You say you ex has taken your DD abroad before....is this alone or with a partner? Does she have a partner?

Whilst i can understand her annoyance at the lie she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it. If she has taken your DD abroad you have as much right to do the same.....she needs to remember you can refuse permission for her to take her abroad again making things difficult for her so it's in both your interests to sort this out like adults.

An apology from you for the lie would be a good start.

If someone can't go why not your girlfriend stay home and your daughter go?

It depends if you have her for blocks of overnight stays already. If you don't, I'd share mum's concern and feel happier if a mother was present.

The “legal” question OP is asking isn’t the important one. I doubt the ex cares who he goes on hols with.

But parents DO need permission from a child’s other parent, married or not, to take DC out of the country. There are several EU countries (and others around the world) that will require proof that the other permits the travel. Last time I entered France, Italy and Portugal with DC and no DH I was asked. I think OP is off to Spain, not sure what they do.

I wrote a comment then saw this, you couldn’t have put it better if you tried!

Is that court ordered or agreed between you? Is she objecting to just the overseas travel or also longer holiday contact?

I think what posters need to remember is this is the childs father.....he has as much right as her Mother does in terms of taking her away. If people think it's acceptable for the mother to take the child abroad then that has to apply to the father as well. You can pick and choose what is and isn't allowed.

This is a side issue to the lie obviously but that lie shouldn't mean he this guy is done for....he needs to apologise but the mother has to be mature about this and not just say no because there is a new partner on the scene otherwise she may find herself in the same position here.

This I disagree with. Its entirely fine and healthy for young children not to be velcroed to their primary parent provided suitable care is being given.

The difference is the mum is a full time parent to the kid, dad has the kid every other weekend and is a liar. The primary parent is right to make sure a 3 year old is safe and keep a say in what happens in her life. This guy still isn’t sure if he will even tell the mum the truth

And in a lot of scenarios, the parent has no right to take the child out of the country without written permission from the other parent. Mother or father doesn’t matter.

I think the amount of time a child spends with a parent is relevant though, and having one overnight a fortnight isn’t really very much, and the resident parent should have more say in that scenario as they know the child better.