No acknowledgement 25 yr marriage

[Annie000]

25 years of marriage yesterday. 25 years. Been together over 35 years, six children, 8 grandchildren. My husband woke up yesterday and said 'ooh it's our anniversary isn't it? Fancy a quickie" . No card, flowers, no plans,no posts on his socials. Nada, nothing, zip. I admit I didn't do anything either, because I secretly hoped he would. Not that he ever does. He won't "waste" .only on cards and doesn't"go shopping '.AIBU expecting a little something, a bit of recognition for everything? All the years, all the work, raising the kids, doing EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know why I feel so fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like. Not had a dinner or date night on over 4/5 years.
What should I do????????
What are your thoughts????
AIBU?????

What you have is one person who feels this sort of thing should be acknowledged with cards and gifts and events - turned into a celebration

and one person who thinks that’s unnecessary and just wasteful

and both approaches are common

neither is right - it’s a preference / personal thing

so the only way is to talk to each other , agree an approach - for example you want a celebration so you arrange it and he promises to make time for it and prioritise that time

you want a gift and a card. Try and think about the kind of gift that won’t make him feel money or the planet is being wasted just for a gift

you want to feel special ? That should happen every day and if that isn’t happening that’s a bigger discussion about why you feel taken for granted

although even here - “love language “ is the term I have heard. You are a gifts and card person , he’s a person who likes making nice dinners or saying a compliment or whatever ( I can’t recall what all the types were ) so perhaps you don’t recognise his appreciation of you

again - talk - learn to understand each other better

I would be beyond disgusted with my dh if he hadn’t planned anything, regardless of whether I had or not. 25 years is a big thing and It would be a piece of jewellery and a special holiday from dh.. if he couldn’t afford it I would be fine as long as he marked the occasion in a special way. I would’ve told him exactly where to stick his quickie.

Unless you have dementia or some other form of memory loss, forgetting your wedding anniversary is akin to forgetting your date of birth. It's not normal and nothing to brag about. My grandparents and parents have been happily married for many decades and yet always remembered (and marked) their wedding anniversaries. It's not being "cool" to forget the date you got married. It's bizarre.

Even if you’ve never celebrated a wedding anniversary before, what makes 25 yrs married more important than 23 or 24 or indeed 26 ?

He remembered. It was the first thing he mentioned. He clearly wants you as he wanted a quickie, more than many marriages on here.

Neither of you did anything.

You say you don't usually do anything.

Why would this year be different?

If you want to celebrate tell him.

Why have you not had a date for 4/5 years? Kids sound grown up if you have GC.

This 100pc
OP, when you say you do everything, what exactly does that mean?
What does your husband bring to the marriage?

FGS, everyone knows what date they got married

I don't without looking it up. It was in the first half of October. I'm married - the day that happened isn't important. I couldn't tell you the day I graduated or the date I was first admitted as a solicitor without looking them up either.

This is our approach too. Last year we went away for the weekend, this year we didn’t bother doing anything because there was too much going on. But we agree so we both know the expectations.

I totally understand. You do things for him and the family -birthdays, Christmas, celebrations etc all year round. He remembered it was your anniversary and the first thing he did was something he wanted to do. (you might have enjoyed a quickie too, but breakfast in bed or some flowers to show you are appreciated would have been nice.)

@PhaedraTwo We had our wedding date inscribed inside our rings. I know which week of the month it is, but I've had to check my ring for the exact date several times.

YABU if you didn't do anything either! Really with a big anniversary you should have talked about what you wanted to do together and booked it. Even for my normal anniversaries dh and I have a chat about what restaurant/ hotel we want to book and organise it, book time off work etc. It takes two.

Yabu to think that somebody who is selfish and never does anything was going to have a personality transplant and behave differently to
usual. As the saying goes, if someone shows you who they are, believe them. Since you haven’t mentioned his behaviour to him in 25 years, he may even think that you’re happy doing it all.

Yanbu to wish for romance but he’s not a mind reader and may have even forgotten how much effort he put into wooing you when you were dating.

It sounds like your marriage is dead if you are testing him like this. People in a healthy marriage would have jointly planned a getaway or party to celebrate.

Just convention isn’t it. Why do something special for your 50th birthday and not your 49th?

He couldn't be arsed to organise anything and neither could you.

You have been together for 35 years, you Have raised a family and you are still together. Presumably, he has done a lot for you in that time as you say you have for him, so why did you feel no need to organise anything for your anniversary if it was important to you?

Marking these kind of occasions isn't important for many people. Obviously it is more important to you than him, so the onus is on you to organise something. He appears not to mind whether you do or don't.

Do you at least know your date of birth?

It's absolutely weird not to remember the date you got married and also weird not to remember when you got admitted as solicitor as that comes up quite a lot when calculating PQE.

I get it @Annie000 You do everything day in, day out and on this one particular day, it would have been nice for him to acknowledge your efforts and devotion to the daily grind. Instead, he went to the male default of a quick shag.

My ex was like this. No acknowledgement of all the load carried. Note the "ex".

Well at least he remembered

In your opinion it's weird. The exact date I was admitted is not relevant in relation to PQE. The number of years qualified is relevant to grading of salaries. I've never in all the years I've been part of remuneration decision discussions needed to know the exact date. The exact date is utterly irrelevant at my stage.

I think it's "absolutely weird" to be incapable of realising everyone isn't like you.

We don’t , we treat all birthdays equally .

That he asked if you wanted sex? Is that bad?

Tried loads, he always cancels, rearranged or was not feeling great. Think I'm just fed up tnf

If it makes you feel any better DH and I had a terrible row on our 25th wedding anniversary. Probably the worst one we have ever had. Funny enough it was because of a lack of thought he had put into our big anniversary. He did buy me gifts, which was nice but I was so angry I made him return them. We're still here almost 5 years later but that took its toll.

It does sounds like it is about much more than disappointment at an anniversary - but rather a pattern of disinterest and indifference. Perhaps use the emotion you are feeling now to makes some changes. You only get so many chances at meaningful relationships - it can be a new relationship with the same person or another person, but sounds like something needs to change. Good luck, and much solidarity.

Agree with this, @Annie000 , and I'm wishing you solidarity too. My exH used to cancel almost every dinner date I tried to arrange, too. And he would walk out of the room when I was talking. He was totally disinterested in me and had no respect for me. I know how it feels to be emotionally neglected and invisible in a marriage. It's horrible and you feel as if your life is passing you by. After we split up, being with other men again - being talked to and wanted and having dinner companions - was a revelation.

But you can decide to change your life, and you don't need his agreement. You can try working things out with him, via sitting him down and making him understand how you feel, and by also going to counselling - because it does sound as if you might need some help getting through to him. You can tell him that you want romance and excitement and to go out to dinner and on holidays and do other activities together.

And if he won't get with the programme, you can divorce him.

Either way, you can get a better life, whether it's with him or not. You don't have to just settle for the crappy marriage - and therefore, crappy life - that he's handing you.

I honestly don't know why many men stay married. An awful lot of them don't seem to want to be.

I'm divorced and will probably never marry again, but if I did, I would leave if I had another marriage to a man who wasn't interested in me. And if I was stupid enough to marry a third time, and the third husband did the same to me, I would go through a third divorce. I would divorce every man who treated me like I was invisible, even if I went through divorce after divorce. And I had an iron-clad commitment to my exH and a cherished dream of forever, so it's really out of character for me to talk this way. What I'm trying to say is that I'd rather be buried alive than be trapped in an indifferent, disrespectful marriage again. It was like being buried alive emotionally, if not physically, and I'd rather die than go through that again.

You get one life, OP, and you don't have to waste it on someone who won't even go out to dinner with you. 🤬 I don't know who these men think they fucking are. Let your spouse go if you don't want to go on dates with them or celebrate anniversaries. Oh, I forgot. Then they'd lose their wife appliance.