No acknowledgement 25 yr marriage

[Annie000]

25 years of marriage yesterday. 25 years. Been together over 35 years, six children, 8 grandchildren. My husband woke up yesterday and said 'ooh it's our anniversary isn't it? Fancy a quickie" . No card, flowers, no plans,no posts on his socials. Nada, nothing, zip. I admit I didn't do anything either, because I secretly hoped he would. Not that he ever does. He won't "waste" .only on cards and doesn't"go shopping '.AIBU expecting a little something, a bit of recognition for everything? All the years, all the work, raising the kids, doing EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know why I feel so fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like. Not had a dinner or date night on over 4/5 years.
What should I do????????
What are your thoughts????
AIBU?????

If you never do anything for anniversaries why would that change for the 25 th ? We don’t do anniversaries and we’ve been married 37 yrs , the 25 th / 30th /35th were no exception. If you feel unappreciated then you need to discuss that with your husband but don’t expect him to turn into a mind reader and change the habits of a lifetime unless he has at least been given a heads up that there is an issue .

You did nothing either. What’s the point on your post?

You know him. Presumably you love him and want to be with him. You wouldn't have been expecting anything because you know he doesn't do cards or shopping, so what actually is your complaint - that he didn't suddenly turn into a different man overnight?

@Annie000 I’m very surprised your 6 adult children didn’t organise something for the both of you seen as it’s your Silver wedding anniversary.

Maybe everyone is taking you for granted. Step-back a bit if you’re doing too much for everyone and it’s not appreciated but expected.

Understand what though? you are expecting him to do something you know he won't do

I'd prefer a quickie to a social media post. Anyway...

You know and presumably love this man, you know he's not a card and flowers type and that the emotional load sits with you.

I don't for a second think that's ideal and I wouldn't put up with an imbalanced relationship with a selfish man. But that's me. YOU married him and YOU stayed married to him for 25 years and counting, so you obviously have some acceptance of the way he is and have decided the positives outweigh the negatives.

I'm therefore wondering why, when you absolutely knew how this very special occasion would unfold if you sat back and did/said nothing yourself, you chose that anyway? Why do this to yourself, knowing how miserable it would make you?

We wouldn’t have done anything for our 25th. Likely got up, went to work, come home made dinner, dealt with a load of washing, ran teenagers around and went to bed. Can’t imagine we even wished each other happy anniversary, as to us, it’s how you appreciate each other every day, not for some specified Hallmark event.

You’re mad because you want him to be someone you know he isn’t and yet you’ve stayed married to him anyway.

You do deserve recognition but you know he doesn’t recognise you so YABU to expect different to what you’ve always gotten.

It’s yourself you’re really mad with. He doesn’t respect you enough to make an effort because you don’t respect yourself enough to leave a relationship where you’re treated as an afterthought.

We always agree what we’re doing to be doing for our anniversary. Sometimes we’re away, sometimes we just have a takeaway. Our next significant one is 20 years, we’ll definitely do something good to celebrate. Maybe a city break. We don’t do cards and presents but we acknowledge it and some anniversary sex would be fine!

My point is we’re on the same page as we talk about it and agree something in advance.

I don’t think this is really about the anniversary though, it’s about overall lack of appreciation and ever being spoiled or made to feel special. You need to talk to him about that too.

DH came from a family that barely celebrate birthdays. I’m big on birthdays, mine and his. I made this clear to him, he gets spoiled on his birthday, loves it and reciprocates on mine. Communication.

I'm sorry he did nothing. I get it it sucks.

This was my immediate thought. Its a milestone for both of you. Your dc should be planning something nice. My dps were 25 years married in 1984 and even then us kids..mainly students..put our money together and sent them on a holiday which was a big treat back then.
Both of you need recognising so it's up to your kids. Did they acknowledge it?
Also good to plan beforehand together if you both want a weekend away or a special dinner or a big party..whatever..agree and plan together.

If you’ve done EVERYTHING for The last 35 years it’s unreasonable perhaps to hope he’d bother doing anything for your big anniversary. He sounds like an entitled shit.

Just for once, you wanted him to initiate something of his own volition to demonstrate that you and the relationship mean something and he hasn't risen to it.

He's not even suggesting a nice sexy weekend in a hotel somewhere...just a quickie.

No small gift with even a box of chocolates and a note or card saying thank you for 25 happy years darling. Nothing.

You're disappointed and it's understandable. Sometimes the romantic gestures are important. They're a bit like manners. A bit of acknowledgement goes a long way.

That said, you kind of knew the odds of something being different this anniversary was slim to none and that you would be left upset. I would also say anniversaries should always be joint reciprocal celebratory occasions spoken about in advance. I think Valentines, birthdays, are better occasions to expect one sided spoiling and attention.

You need to sit down and have a conversation about this. Is it possible he's just the type of man who does the practical stuff but not the romantic gestures? Is he a bit of the scatty type (I am) if so, sit and discuss strategies to ensure planning happens. Putting specific reminders in his phone calender to buy your favourite flowers, book a theatre or restaurant at random dates throughout the year or for seminal dates you both agree on. Plan now for next year's anniversary.

I get what you mean but it just wasn't realistic.

I think you should have talked about it and made a plan in advance, and told him "I'd like you to do x". OK it's not as nice as if he just did it, but it's second best. And unlike the first one, its realistic.

A silver wedding anniversary is a BIG deal. I'm a little surprised that the two of you together didn't plan something to do well in advance.

Fancy a quickie...omg.

This is so alien to me. Why do the kids have to organise their wedding anniversary? I had no idea what date my parents got married when I was a kid. Never in a million years would I have assumed it was on me to organise their celebrations.

Or maybe people just don’t agree with you?

I’d have taken the quickie. I have been married longer and don’t need a card anymore. I know we’re happy. If you feel differently you should have told him before. You can’t do nothing and expect him to read your mind. Maybe he’s thinking where’s his card?

We’re at our 22nd this year and I’ve already said I’d love an engagement style ring for our 25th plus holiday… we’re talking about plans together. I don’t expect him to surprise me and for it to be his responsibility solely. We enjoy planning together.

What? My kids weren’t at my wedding so why on earth would they be responsible for planning? Db and I did send our parents for dinner for their 25th anniversary and acted as taxi drivers but that wasn’t expected. They planned and hosted a family party with about 50 people.

Be more direct with him. Tell him you would like more effort and attention.

Ho many dinner dates have you arranged this past 4/5 years?

Talk about expectations before the anniversary and make it clear what his responsibility is.

I get it. That’s why my ex is my ex. Well one of the reasons why… very long story. You do everything. The mental load becomes too heavy. The lack of consideration. Take care and ltb.

I think as it has clearly been a while since you both bothered that nothing is going to change unless you open up a conversation about it. You probably need to be equally responsible in that conversation though. Why not say something like "I feel a bit sad that we reached that huge milestone the other day and didn't celebrate it, let's book a nice meal out, just the two of us" and then after that say how much you miss spending purposeful time together and suggest a monthly date night thet you take turns to plan. Then approaching the next birthday/ christmas say "I want to start doing gifts between us aging, I feel like we put the kids first for so long we've lost the romance" or something. Just keeping quiet and hoping for a miracle won't work.