No acknowledgement 25 yr marriage

[Annie000]

25 years of marriage yesterday. 25 years. Been together over 35 years, six children, 8 grandchildren. My husband woke up yesterday and said 'ooh it's our anniversary isn't it? Fancy a quickie" . No card, flowers, no plans,no posts on his socials. Nada, nothing, zip. I admit I didn't do anything either, because I secretly hoped he would. Not that he ever does. He won't "waste" .only on cards and doesn't"go shopping '.AIBU expecting a little something, a bit of recognition for everything? All the years, all the work, raising the kids, doing EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know why I feel so fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like. Not had a dinner or date night on over 4/5 years.
What should I do????????
What are your thoughts????
AIBU?????

Sit him down and tell him how important it is to you. Or leave.

This sounded dead in the water years ago, I would have finished it years ago tbh for so many reasons OP has outlined.
I'm spoilt though, have been married similar time, h is my equal and life work is divided. In many respects we are still honey mooning and loved up.

My brother used to do 'fireworks', every anniversary and just on a whim, flowers, thoughtful books, Garsington, opera, foreign trips, I don't remember it all. Then he simply 'fell out of love' with his wife and left, leaving 2 children devastated.
I mean, I know there has to be something else in between no gifts and showering with gifts, all I am saying is that from where I am looking at it, gifts are not always a sign of true love.

Wedding anniversaries are nothing to do with the couples children, it's on the couple to acknowledge-or mutually not bother, like in this case.

OP wrote last night she had had enough of the thread, anyway.

You clearly do everything for everyone in your family.

I have no sympathy for women who become such martyrs at taking on the "life admin" and then moan about it. Could have been nipped in the bud from the outset.

Not had a dinner or date night on over 4/5 years.
What should I do????????

What's stopping the OP booking a restaurant? As for "date night" - I don't really know what that means in the context of an established couple (it's a cringe tbh) but presumably the OP is capable of saying "let's go to the pub/see the latest blockbuster / this concert looks good" Although I suppose not saying anything fits with the martyrdom.

It was October sometime for us and a Saturday
why do I need to know more ? I can look it up if it’s ever needed to be known

what matters to me is I married him and he married me and we spend our time looking forward and enjoying life together now

I’m afraid this is mumsnet where lots of women think it’s cool not to ever expect acknowledgement of their birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, or to receive Christmas presents (as apparently Christmas is only for kids). And it’s considered childish to be upset about the lack of acknowledgement.
This place is absolutely bonkers sometimes 🤦‍♀️

OP tell him how let down and unappreciated you feel. And I’d have poked his eyes out at the “quickie” suggestion!

You’re old enough to be together 35 years and have 8 grandchildren and you’re annoyed he didn’t post on ‘socials’ 🤔

I voted YABU because your post was about him doing nothing for your wedding anniversary and you didn’t either.

I do think there are many issues in your post which need addressing though. If you make a post about your relationship itself and not just the anniversary I think the responses would be different. Your relationship sounds a bit dead

But on just the anniversary part, YABU. You can’t be mad he did nothing when you didn’t either.

Only if you think sex is something women allow men to do to them as a favour, and that anniversaries are where they compensate for not doing housework or childcare the rest of the year.

Are children supposed to arrange something?

Genuinely curious as it wouldn’t even cross my mind, although my parents are divorced. My grandparents had a party for their 50th wedding anniversary which they booked, arranged and paid for and I got them a card and gift.

Everyone else that I know that has been to wedding anniversary celebrations such as dinners and holidays have all be organised and paid for by the married couple too. I think most people who do this see it as a chance to get the full family together.

I wouldn’t expect my child to organise anything for me and DH, my wedding anniversary has nothing to do with them, it’s not a birthday.

A card would be nice for a special number but I wouldn’t be upset at the lack of it and I certainly wouldn’t expect them to arrange anything for us.

Four years ago I embarrassed my husband on Mumsnet for not buying me a Christmas gift. He never forgot again.
Silver wedding anniversary means something special. If you can afford it go to Italy (Florence in the autumn is beautiful).
Some men are hopeless at organizing family stuff but as mine does the shopping, washing and most of the cleaning so I'm happy with that.

I'd go and buy a silver Tiffany heart necklace and give him the bill!

he's only doing what he's always done, so why are you surprised. I have always found that the best way to get what I want is to ask for it - he's not a mind reader. why didn't you say beforehand something like "let's do something special for our 25th anniversary'?

I really feel for you OP my ex husband did the same. I did absolutely everything and worked full time while he fannied about on his hobbies. He let me know by his attitude that he thought birthdays and anniversaries were a waste of time when I organised my own and his.
Its a typical case of being taken completely for granted. I organised our 15th and he did absolutely nothing, no gift either. I told him my expectations well in advance.
As you do everything then stop doing it, dont cook for him, dont wash his clothes, do nothing. Tell him you are sick of being taken for granted.
I chose to divorce my husband because Im not a house maid or some kind of sex toy. I became invisible in the home Id provided for everyone. Im much happier now. Tell him you are sick of bring taken for granted.
Everyone on MN is being exceptionally mean and nasty today. One person even said you should be grateful for the quickie!!! To that person I say go fuck yourself!
Something has to change OP.

Is the OP ever returning?

It's a dead thread.

You “secretly hoped”

for someone married 25 years, you’re astonishingly daft!

You know your H, if he’s never been one for arranging surprises etc, why would he start now?

you’ve ALSO done NOTHING. He could be equally disappointed.

doesn’t sound like he is tho.

@Annie000 stop setting traps or leaving landlines for him to step on to.

if it’s important to you to mark 25 years married then USING YOUR FUCKING WORDS will remedy this situation automatically.

talk to him and say that perhaps you should both do something to mark the milestone, perhaps book a trip or an experience, or get a jeweller to make you each something to wear like a bracelet or necklace or signet ring or something.

What’s important to you is completely irrelevant. It’s what’s important to the OP that counts. And after 35 years her husband should have realised that anniversaries are important to her.

And I’m sure for all of those people who plan together and are so collaborative thought about it for just a second they might see that the OP has probably tried that but found it was ALWAYS her turn to make the suggestion, book the tickets etc.

Did your 6 children not organise anything?? That is shocking

Why would children have any involvement in a couples anniversary? I have never understood this point yes they are children of the couple but it is not their marriage

25 years married is the anniversary not 35 years

I agree with those saying that if you didn't do anything then you can't blame him.

Sounds to me like you both need to have a proper chat about spending more time doing enjoyable things together. Dinners, evenings out, weekends away. Whatever you want to do. There's no point sitting there waiting for something to change and then complaining when it doesn't. It's up to both of you and one of you needs to start taking the initiative.

That's assuming you still like the man and value your relationship

my dh doesn’t organise things either , so I’ve learnt to be the instigater of plans. If you want something then take control in making it happen. We’ve been married 27yrs. Had a lovely trip to Venice for 20th and Cambridge for 25th. Both which I made happen but he was keen to plan alongside me once I started.

for big birthdays I make it clear to him what I would like eg I’d like you to book a night away for us and plan a lovely day … and he is happy to do that but needs a nudge in the first place.

I think you’re being unreasonable for not expecting him to do anything as he usually doesn’t… and then waiting to the morning of the anniversary to be disappointed with him for doing exactly as you’d have expected him to (nothing).

communication and expectation are key.

If the norm in your marriage is not to celebrate WAs, then he has gone along with that norm. You can't expect a sudden change after all this time, without even any discussion.

Edited to answer the question what should you do
talk to him. Say you would like to celebrate. Ask for his suggestions and say you would love it if he booked and organised something for you.

I voted YABU - not because it's unreasonable to want to do something nice for a big wedding anniversary, but because you had no grounds to believe he was going to surprise you with something. You've been married to the guy for a quarter of a century, he's never made an effort for your wedding anniversary before, why would you suddenly expect him to now? And if you haven't communicated with him that that bothers you, then maybe he thinks you're not fussed about doing anything. Why not plan something together? Tell him you'd like to go for a meal, a trip away, whatever, to mark the special occasion and decide together what that's going to be.

If he says that no, actually, he's quite happy not to do anything and he doesn't see it as a big deal, then maybe you've got a bigger problem - but if you've let 25 years' worth of anniversaries slip by without any celebrations and you've never told him you want to make a bigger deal of them, it actually is possible that he just doesn't realise. Have you actually ever told him, or have you just spent 25 years building up seething resentment that he doesn't buy you flowers?

what a strange view - do you feel the same about their birthdays? "It is THEIR birthday not mine, why celebrate it?"

celebrating your parents silver anniversary is a lovely thing to do