No acknowledgement 25 yr marriage

[Annie000]

25 years of marriage yesterday. 25 years. Been together over 35 years, six children, 8 grandchildren. My husband woke up yesterday and said 'ooh it's our anniversary isn't it? Fancy a quickie" . No card, flowers, no plans,no posts on his socials. Nada, nothing, zip. I admit I didn't do anything either, because I secretly hoped he would. Not that he ever does. He won't "waste" .only on cards and doesn't"go shopping '.AIBU expecting a little something, a bit of recognition for everything? All the years, all the work, raising the kids, doing EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know why I feel so fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like. Not had a dinner or date night on over 4/5 years.
What should I do????????
What are your thoughts????
AIBU?????

@Annie000 But you didn't do anything either?

He consistently doesn't care any other year, so it would've been predictable that he doesn't care this year either.
Does he show his love every day and enhance your life?

We always plan something together for anniversaries, usually a few days away or a special meal out, maybe next time the two of you can have a conversation about it? If your DH isn’t the organising type, it sounds like you need to sort something.

i do understand your disappointment though

But you didn’t do anything either! How is that different?

I adore DH, but I have absolutely no idea when our wedding anniversary is. I’m not even entirely sure which month…

Are you sure you’re actually married?

You didn’t do anything. He at least offered you a quickie which is more effort than you made.

Definitely! I have the certificate somewhere!😃

I think you need to address this with him. If this is symptomatic of a larger issue with appreciation/reciprocity then that needs addressing through counseling and soul-searching. But, if it is just the day and expectations around it, it's easier to address - you discuss it with him and plan something together rather than waiting for him to surprise you (why set yourself up for disappointment?!)

We usually decide together. Trip away. Or sometimes we even agree we can’t be bothered to go out so let’s just get a take-out.

I didn't. Because it is always on me to do everything. Why should it be me. Plus you are kind of missing the point...it's the first thing he said.

Yeah we do this, we either do nothing if we dont feel like it or just come up with something together, sitting back and waiting could only leave dissapointment

We plan anniversary stuff together as it's a shared celebration. Maybe take the opportunity to plan something special? If you're not enjoying his company enough to enjoy doing something together (and it sounds like you're not) are you sure you want to go on with him?

If he doesn't know you resent his lack of contribution and that you expected him to plan something, it was always going to end up in disappointment.
Tell him planning things and gifts are important to you, and he should care enough about you to put in effort.
Don't do things that aren't appreciated.

Wow. I thought other mums would understand. I think I've had enough already. Either I typed it badly or every one actually missed the entire point of my post....

Ok, so neither of you did anything for your silver wedding anniversary and you're disappointed he matched your energy because overall you feel he owed you a present and you don't him as your contribution to your marriage outweighs his? That's not a very healthy relationship

Which is?

I totally get it. You are so exhausted, mentally rinsed, from decades of being project manager for all the life admin and effort. And you wanted to feel loved by him making an effort for once, and if you had initiated and done something you’d still be feeling resentful and unappreciated, which would defeat the object. It’s awful and I feel for you. Decades of feeling worthless. You are not asking for much.

What should I do????????

Say: “I want to celebrate this big anniversary properly. I fancy Paris” (other romantic destinations are available).

@Annie000 you mention grandkids can I assume all your kids are grown-up? If they are, why are you still sooo tired and fed-up with organising everything? And why haven’t you been out with your H for the past 4/5 years?

I think it’s lovely that he still fancies you and sees you as his life’s partner and fancied sex with you as a celebration- don’t take that for granted - cards flowers and frankly bullshit sometimes is nice but being wanted is more telling

@debrief98 OP didn't mention decades of feeling worthless? No one would accept that, the divorce would have been decades ago.

Honestly I would leave it a few days to let your feelings settle. Then tell him that you've been feeling tired and unappreciated from always being the one to organise stuff, and ask him to organise something nice to mark your (slightly belated) anniversary.

You are telling us how you feel, but I'm not sure whether you've told him?

It sounds as if you rarely (if ever) do anything for anniversaries. If you want to change that, say something!

We still haven't done much for our 25th anniversary (last year) as we're in the thick of elderly parents/teenagers, etc. but we're planning to when we have the opportunity.

Why not think of this as your silver anniversary "year" and say that you want to plan some special treats throughout the next 12 months?

This… it’s our 25th next year, also 35 years together. We actually talk about it and have floated ideas as to what we might do to celebrate. We’ll make a plan together - pretty much as we’ve done for the last 34 years - as to what we do. He’ll buy a gift (I’ve asked for an eternity/second engagement ring and pointed some out) and I’ll buy him something special too.

None of the silly games [traps] around ‘will he remember’, ‘will he do anything’. Marriage isn’t a series of tests that you have to pass or fail. It’s a partnership and involves communication. By both parties.

@Annie000 I think your marriage is dying, or dead and that you think so, too. Is it possible your DH also thinks it? You need a serious talk about the state of your marriage and what you both want moving forward.