AIBU All hell broke loose over UCAT

[YourChirpyBee]

DS is applying for Medicine and needs to book his UCAT. He wanted to book a particular date, but DH, who believes in astrology, was pressuring him to book the day before instead (he refused to pay for the selected date) because he thinks it's a better date.

I agree this shouldn't be forced on DS. However, DS completely lost his temper. He said astrology was "bullshit", that this was his future and none of DH's business, that we had nothing to do with his future, that everything he'd achieved was thanks to him and not us and that we havent helped DS17 at all.

AIBU to be really upset by how he spoke? I completely understand disagreeing with astrology but DS17 showed zero gratitude or respect for everything we've done to support him.

Your DH is out of order. And you should’ve pulled him up before your son had to. Disgusting level of manipulation, it’s not his test. What matters is what works for your son not your DH.

doesn’t matter if is astrology, science or the second coming of Christ. The only opinion of relevance is DSs’

Grateful for what? You had a child because you wanted one. Supporting him is the bare minimum.

I'd actually say you're doing less than the minimum because you're teaching DS that his dad's wishes for how he thinks DS should take a test are more important than DS, who is the one taking the test.

Ar what point is DS allowed to be his own person who might act like any other person who is pissed off? DH can be a dick because he... what? Finish that sentence and then come back and tell me hiw much contact you think you'll have with DS once he's finally free to live alone and on his own terms.

If this is real, which I suspect not, If he's applying for medicine, your son must have scientific A levels; of course astrology is nonsense. I'm not surprised he lost his temper. Expect to see very little of him once he starts his course.

the fact that you are surprised by his outburst suggests that it’s out of character, and if it’s out of character, although it’s difficult not to feel upset when a child pushes back, it’s also a lot easier to feel indignant than look inwards and examine why they have reacted that way.

It’s okay for your DH to have his own beliefs, but completely unreasonable for him to expect your son to adhere to them too. The process of applying for an extremely competitive university course is gruelling, and stressful enough already, without weaponising his choice of test dates with the added stress of your DH withholding funds if he doesn’t do as he says. I’m not surprised that your DS got frustrated, it’s incredibly manipulative

“AIBU to be really upset by how he spoke? I completely understand disagreeing with astrology but DS17 showed zero gratitude or respect for everything we've done to support him”.

Yes, you are being exceptionally unreasonable. Your DH refusing to pay for the date he needs due to as your son rightfully put it astrology bollocks, and you claiming that because he’s lost his temper means he has showed zero respect or gratitude is both down right manipulation from the pair of you. I can guarantee this wouldn’t have been the first time. You need to pay for the date he actually wants, and seriously review your parenting. Have a good long word with yourselves and stop making everything about you. Poor kid.

It sounds like he was angry and I doubt he meant all of what he said. Be the sensible adult here and support your son. It is totally up to him when he does it and you should support him in that. Listen to his perspective when everyone is calmer and think about how to support your son. I'm sure you've done a lot to support him over the years but that's parenthood, you don't do it for the gratitude.

What he meant was that his hard work has led to this opportunity. He probably feels that he's succeeded despite living with someone who tries to make decisions about his life based on astrology. Your son is at the end of his tether. Having a father who would refuse to pay for his UCAT if it's not on his preferred date, indicates that he is in an unsupportive environment.
I understand that you felt upset at the perceived lack of gratitude but I'm assuming he wasn't referring to you, unless you generally back his father's nonsense for an easy life.
Tbh, getting as far as studying medicine when you have someone, who's supposed to be supportive, threatening to scupper your chances if you don't comply with the date he wants, would make you feel alone in your ambitious pursuits.

The kids 17 and wants to do a particular day and is having to put up with a load of bullshit from his father who is refusing to pay as its not on a date the father wants

Where were you in this conversation? Hopefully not agreeing with your husband

and the kids right in that it is his work that’s got him to this stage, ok he may need your support when he moves on but my guess is he is stressed and frustrated and his father is a total knobhead

😂😂😂

Your poor son, what a load of nonsense.

YABVU. Poor lad. If he does get into medical school at least you can be reassured that he is unlikely to recommend unscientific nonsense to his patients.

One of my children did the UCAT - it's horrendously pressured, and I am not surprised the poor lad snapped. The amount of work that's needed before you even think about taking it is enormous. Just let your son do what he wants on his own terms - bearing in mind that this is just the start of the process and he'll need a lot more support if he's to make it into medical school.

And in fact, he's right - some kids can be given all the advantages in the world and just throw them away, while others are handed very little and make much of that. Your son is a person in his own right who is clearly clever enough to think about a lot, and so doesn't share your husband's traditions. Doesn't make him a bad person though.

Hi gang,
We've had a couple of reports in suggesting that this poster might not be quite who they say they are and, well, we had a look and they're certainly no longer with us. Of course those wishing to debate the hypothetical or discuss the finer points of medicine and its relationship with the stars are welcome to do so.

Your DS is talking from total frustration. He doesn't believe in astrology and doesn't think it will influence anything. He is perfectly entitled to believe this. I agree your DS could have handled it better but he is probably sick of this kind of thing.

I think you have to have been estranged for a year to qualify, doesn’t sound as if that is going to happen here. (I would give the link to be helpful, but I doubt the OP is going to pass it on to her son!)

What were you doing when your husband refused to help with the date your son wanted? Do you let your life be dictated by the stars as well?

Has this happened before? Does it happen regularly?

Your SEVENTEEN year old wants to study medicine? They must be pretty bright, ambitious and have a desire to help people. He's likely stressed about the upcoming pressures, had a good reason for choosing the specific date he wanted and then your husband, his Dad wants to use his power as the holder of the purse to dictate when he can do the UCAT?

I've got an 18 year old who's soon to be starting his professional training in another field. I can imagine his response if I told him to reschedule any upcoming interviews because of astrology (which he would also see as bullshit), he'd be confused and then amused. Because it's not something that's happened before or he'd expect from me.

I'm guessing your husband's pulled this shit before? He probably thinks he's coming from a helpful place but I think it's likely to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Give your son a break and let him make the sensible decisions that make a difference to his life.

@YourChirpyBee - you know what you have done to support your ds over the years, so only you can say whether there is any justification at all for his assertion that he's had no support. I am assuming that he has had support, and therefore it isn't unreasonable for you to be upset at what he's said.

It may be worth considering what happens in the teenage brain during adolescence. According to the writer Charlie Taylor, in his book Divas and Doorslammers, teenagers' brains are actually rewiring during adolescence - real, structural change is taking place, and while this is happening, they lose some abilities - sense of perspective, impulse control, temper control, being able to see other people's point of view - he calls it a form of temporary brain damage. But the keyword is temporary - he says that, once the changes have happened, things settle down and most, if not all of these things come back.

At 17 your ds will still be going through this and that, added to the stress of A levels and the UCAT exam probably does explain his outburst. I'm not saying that it excuses it completely, or that you are wrong to be hurt - but understanding what is going on can make it easier to cope with the explosive teenager, in my experience of three of the species.

On the subject of the date of the UCAT, I'm afraid your dh is 100% in the wrong. It is not up to him or his beliefs to choose the date of the exam, and he is putting extra pressure on his son at an already stressful point. He is absolutely entitled to his beliefs, and to live his life according to those beliefs, but he has absolutely NO right to expect his son to live by these beliefs. His sole focus should be supporting his son.

At 17 your ds will still be going through this and that, added to the stress of A levels and the UCAT exam probably does explain his outburst. I'm not saying that it excuses it completely, or that you are wrong to be hurt - but understanding what is going on can make it easier to cope with the explosive teenager, in my experience of three of the species

I’m not 17yo but if DH withheld $$ from me (for something important like this) on the basis of the stars not aligning - literally - then I’d probably become pretty much colonise as well, and my brain wiring has been set for decades.

The weirdest thing is OP. Before it even got to that, I would have stepped in ‘Well Liam, it seems your dad has gone absolutely potty, so here’s my card to make the payment.’. Supporting your partner as a parent is one thing, but that does not mean supporting lunacy.

You should have supported your son. Astrology is bullshit and if he couldn’t get a good score on his chosen day then he shouldn’t be studying medicine. Your h is free to make his own life decisions based on astrology but he’s very unreasonable to force that on an almost grown son. Refusing to pay because of astrology is petty and mean. You should have told your h to pay.

Assuming that your son has calmed down now, he would probably admit that he went too far with his comments. Are there times when his dad’s beliefs clashed with his preferences? Did you say nothing or support your son vocally ? I suspect that this is a last straw event because it’s happened before and that’s very unfair on your son.

Are you mortified about your husband? I’m picturing him wearing a navy sparkly dressing gown around the house.

Your husband's a fucking nutter OP. And trying to impose this kind of nonsense on a 17-year old is bordering on child abuse.

If I were your DS in this situation, I would have left home.

Your husband, a grown man, believes in astrology? 😳

These sort of exams cause enough anxiety for someone without piling a load of woo and superstition on him too , tell your husband to back off .

#teamson
if theres a date that he thinks works for him and he feels confident and no reasonable barriers like you driving him, of coirse you give him the best chance!
Pushing him to sit a date he’s angry about will affect his chances and his frame of mind.

To be honest, getting into medicine and his a levels is all on him and his revision and his frame of mind.