DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

Never ever send this guy nudes. He knows you don't want to do that to begin with and he would use them to coerce you into things you don't want to do. Since you live together you'd better check for hidden cameras. He doesn't take no for an answer.

This guy has been so physically aggressive with you and stomping your boundaries I think he's a danger to you. He's already sexually assaulting you.

Are you living at his or he at yours? If you're at his, leave. If he's at yours, he has to leave.

Can you leave while he is out of the house for a while? Do you need help, or can you ask your parents/friends?

Of course not. You didn't want him to see you naked in that position at that time because it made you feel you were being used, rather than loved. Some posters seem to have difficulty understanding that.

Anyway, LTB.

I think the reason I worry about being ‘boring’ or ‘normal’ is because my previous marriage was to someone who always called me a prude and was sexually abusive and absolutely found it entertaining to degrade me and I was made to feel wrong if I didn’t do that for him. I had a lot of counselling over that and this new relationship is someone I’ve known as a friend on and off for 10 years so I trusted him. Now this has happened but I think my problem is that if I end it with this person who was meant to be the final chance I had to trust someone again, then I won’t help feeling like it’s my fault and I’m to blame for not being ‘compatible’. That makes me feel like I’m wrong and other people would be fine with that and laugh about it as some people said so then it feels like I could have had a shot at everything happy marriage, family, house together etc but it will feel like once again it’s me having an issue sexually that’s ruined that and I totally agree about what people are saying but can you see what I mean this is the self talk I will experience

Wtaf OP. I voted yabu - for putting up with this manipulative shit.

He is trampling all over your boundaries.

He is grabbing you and not letting you go to leer at your body even though you've told him you don't like it

He then withholds affection as a 'punishment' for you getting annoyed at his disgusting behaviour. When he should be reflecting on his own behaviour and apologising.

This is serious OP, you've clearly told you that you don't want to do certain things (photos, finishing on your face) and yet he keeps asking, pressuring, and manipulating to try and get what he wants. He doesn't seem to care about freely given consent he just wants to get what he wants. You need to seriously consider this relationship. You know its not right that's why you've posted on here. I'm not sure you get quite how disturbing this is though

You are not aligned.

The whole ‘making it up to him’ thing: that should either be equally understood as a lighthearted joke by both and not carried out except as an extension of being accepted as a joke, playing around, if you like

OR

It is part of some sort of Dom/sub sexual play , which again needs to be entirely consensual.

He seems to like a power play , you are very much not comfortable with it.

And disturbingly he tries to enforce his kink on you. If that’s what it is. It could just be misogynistic bullying.

This is not emotionally safe for you.

Jesus wept. Do you really need to ask? He is humiliating you and trying to control you. Run For The Hills. Red flags 🚩 everywhere !!!

this guy is vile. is you dad still about? what would he make of this treatment of you I wonder. probably want to throttle the twat.

in the bin with him asap

THIS ☝. Are you quite mad? WTAF! How low is your bar?

If anyone did such a thing to me he'd be accused of assault and told to slam the door on his way out.

Obviously it’s not that easy just to leave someone who is living with you and you’re making mortgage appointments and everything and they know all your family/joint plans etc it’s quite a big thing to do

Your "friend" knew your issues and he was the same type of guy as your ex.

You're a human being and have body autonomy and can have whatever boundaries around sex you want. The guys that are looking to violate your boundaries are the problem, not you.

People can be sexually incompatible because of boundaries it doesn't make them wrong, just incompatible and they end the relationship.

But this guy is trying to stomp your boundaries. He enjoys that and he enjoys assaulting you when you're struggling.

That's wrong.

But someone who overrides your sexual boundaries is a predator. You don't want to live with a predator to demeans you and sulks if you wont do what he wants.

What the hell are you apologising for? I see absolutely nothing you should apologise for. He should apologise for upsetting you and for doing acts that he knows upset you. I think this is going to be just the start and soon he will be blaming you every time he does something you don't like and insisting you do humiliating acts to apologize.
Don't listen to anyone saying you should be comfortable with your partner seeing your body. It's your body and no-one has the right to touch you in a way you don't like.
You deserve so much better than him. Just let it end. He's going to dump you if you don't do as he says so let him.
He sounds really nasty, sounds like he's going to be a narcissist if you stay with him. I watched a close family member give up the best years of her life trying to change her husband, who was a narcissist. She was lucky to get away with her life. Don't make the same mistake. You deserve someone who loves and respects you.

we have engaged in light sub/dom style talk during sex before when he might say he owns me etc but that’s it. Previously and especially for the 9 odd years on and off before things got serious and he moved in he would always be very respectful yes we sometimes play around a bit play fighting type thing but I always felt ok about it. The incident with the finishing on my face thing was definitely a first time out of nowhere that he’d really been very very pushy about something sexual to the extent of still getting on top of me and trying to do it even though mid sex I had said don’t do that.

Run for the hills he sounds vile!

Until you sort out your issues with sex and also your body you shouldn’t be in a relationship. This isn’t the right relationship for you but you also shouldn’t be In one at the moment anyway. This guy has seen you and your vagina probably like a thousand times he knows what it looks like. End the relationship and pull out of the house sale.

OP he is absolutely not your final chance at anything. There are no final chances, new chances will come up all the time.

be proud of yourself that you have recognised an abusive situation in this case. You are not entwined with him yet and you can leave. You have done a good job of listening to your gut and protecting yourself

I don’t think I have issues with sex though i just have an issue with being pressured to do things I don’t want to do and that are triggering for me

You’re right OP. It is not an issue with sex to feel grossed out by this guy ignoring your boundaries

Do you really think by compromising yourself to this level, that you’d ever have a happy marriage and family? This isn’t your final chance, and even if it was, would you really want this life? Surely being single couldn’t be worse than this?

It’s quite simple. You just stop making any more mortgage arrangements.
No one can force you to arrange a mortgage!
Keep all your money very separate.

Why does it matter if they know all your family? Do you think your family would be happy with what he’s done?
Would they want you to continue with this “relationship?”

If you’re living together, get a male friend or relative round and if you don’t feel able to, then they tell him that it’s over.
And that he has to leave immediately.
He can go to a friend’s or family’s house; not your concern.

This is NOT your only chance at a happy marriage etc. Please don’t think that.
And please, seek further counselling because your thought processes are very skewed, I am trying to say that kindly.

Please don’t put up with this vile specimen any longer. His behaviour and sexual demands WILL escalate.

I’m sending you a big hug and if I lived near you, I’d be round at the toot to tell him to GTF.

He is gaslighting you and manipulating you, he is into humiliating you, he is a creepy gropey perv who doesn’t respect your boundaries. What would you say to a friend who told them their boyfriend had done this? Bin them? I hope so. So that is your answer.

If you go along with creeping around him to try and get back into his good books, he’ll try it again, and next time will be worse. And worse. He is abusive. Dump him.

What? You seem to have missed the whole point 🤷‍♀️

Talk about missing the fucking point.
She DIDN’T WANT TO.

He essentially forced her into a sexual position against her will.

Would YOU be ok with that? Because I fucking wouldn't.

Boundaries! Learn about them

I don’t think many women would even want their partners to see their vagina extremely close up in broad daylight like that I’m not a pornstar!

@diabolicalbanana please don’t tell women who are fine with this (probably most women) that they’re behaving like a pornstar just because you don’t want to do something.

Reading all your posts I think you just sound incompatible. He wants dominating and dirty sex and you don’t want him to see your vagina. It’s not a match made in heaven.

I don’t think he sounds abusive though tbf, you both sound childish though.