DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

"When I tried to get away."
"The way he held me made me twist."
"his arms were hooked under my legs and I couldn’t escape"
"I was upset and felt humiliated."
"I find it degrading."
"You can imagine my panic."

You do not feel safe with this man. Your body is telling you you are not safe with him.

"He knows I'm uncomfortable sending nudes."
"he then sent me a list of options including ...various nudes... a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven."
"the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me."
"he wanted to ‘finish’ on my face. I was really super clear saying no I do not want that. We had sex and he tried to do it anyway"

So he humiliates you, then punishes you for reacting and offers you further humiliation as the pathway to forgiveness.

"I feel like his respect for me has slipped a bit"

It's his mask that's slipped. Get away. This is just the beginning. Be grateful it happened before you were financially entangled – most of them wait until you're trapped.

It sounds like you two just aren't compatible.

He hasn't handled this well at all, and the way he's responded raises some genuine red flags. That said, the things he's looking for in intimacy aren't inherently wrong, they might be exactly what someone else enjoys if they share that style. The problem is that they don't align with what you're comfortable with.
More importantly, he hasn't respected your boundaries. Instead of accepting them, he's responded in a way that comes across as disrespectful and immature, and that's the biggest issue here.

You really have two options:

1. Have a direct conversation with him. Clearly explain your boundaries, why they matter to you, and that his response to them has been unacceptable.
2. End the relationship and move on.

He may find your approach to intimacy too reserved for what he's looking for, just as you may find his expectations too much. That doesn't necessarily make either of you wrong, it just means you're not compatible in that area. Someone else may be a much better match for each of you.

What isn't acceptable, regardless of compatibility, is failing to respect each other's boundaries. His behaviour in response to yours has been disrespectful, and that's a serious concern.

Do NOT send him nudes! Never ever send anyone nudes. He has already revealed himself to be controlling; you do not want him to possess something to blackmail you with!

This is Mr US LADIES. AGAIN.

Definitely don't buy a house with him because you obviously aren't at all comfortable with his behaviour, regardless of it being weird.

I don’t get why anyone is giving you a hard time about this. It’s obvious to me why you weren’t comfortable being wrestled out of your towel and upended against your will.

Ignore the MN pick-me girls (sorry I mean sex-positive) who are 100% body-confident and happy for anyone to see them naked in any circumstances whatsoever and would be nothing short of aroused by the prospect of being ambushed straight out of the shower for non-consensual wrestling and an amateur gynae exam.

Jesus, what is the world coning to?

Oh god, yes, you're absolutely right

Run, run and keep on running 🏃‍♀️
Do not buy a house with this man!

And also because I would not put it past him to say things like 'if you don't let me cum on your face I won't pay my share of the mortgage this month.'

It definitely is.

DUMP HIM PLEASE BEFORE YOU MERGE MONEY AND HAVE A BABY!

@diabolicalbanana please take this ^^ advice.

You weren't comfortable and told him so, him trying to blackmail you into doing something he knows you'd rather not do, is showing how little respect he has for you.

Not being comfortable having him see you naked is also a red flag as a romantic partner should be a safe space for that sort of thing.
As feeling loved as you are, warts and all and not being judged on your body.

You are absolutely, 100% not unreasonable for a) feeling how you feel and b) having boundaries over your own body!

It doesn't matter what any of the rest of us would do. For the record, I am someone who is super open about my body with my DH. He has seen every inch of my body in all sorts of lighting. This is because he makes me feel so safe, comfortable, and confident. When I had surgery it was him I wanted to help me wash or get to the toilet in hospital over my sister or my BFF. And you know what? That doesn't matter at all, that's my body and my relationship. You should NEVER be with a partner who doesn't care that he made you feel embarrassed, and even worse punished you for having boundaries!

He’s pushing you to do things you don’t want to do and won’t stop when you say no.
Do you want to wait around for next time to see how far he will take it when you say no?
When a man won’t stop when we say no, it will potentially end in rape.

It doesn't really matter how others would've reacted. I would have laughed but if there was any sign of my being panicked like you were, I'd expect my DH to stop and apologise . Your parter was wrong to do something you felt uncomfortable with and then try and use your reaction for his own gain.

Some of the posts here are very unhelpful and are totally missing the point. If someone tells you they feel uncomfortable with another persons behaviour, don’t tell them they are odd and start nit-picking. How is that helping?

OP the mere fact you’ve come here to check if what you’re feeling is “normal” shows how much he has already eroded your sense of self. It seems to me you’ve reached a point in the road and it’s time to make the difficult decision. Do you follow through and end it like you told him you would? Or do you ignore your own boundary and continue in a relationship with someone who you don’t feel safe with? Your gut is telling you what you need to do, listen to it and walk away. This controlling and manipulative man has shown you who he is, please don’t ignore it because he won’t improve.

Fuck. Me. Sideways
You are the epitome of victim blaming

STFU

The nudity wouldn't worry me so much but the feeling of lack of control and being manhandled against my will definitely would. In any case it’s your body and you’re entitled to choose where and how others see it and what you do with it.

He sounds vile. He’s not interested in what you want, just what he wants. PLEASE never let him have nude or titillating photos or videos - he would use them against you in the event of a break-up. And I hope for your sake you will be breaking up with him very soon.

Run, run, run.

what an arsehole

youve done nothing wrong. His behaviour is appalling

Just for a moment imagine a lifetime of this (at best) and what it could degenerate to (which it will, if you can imagine it). Then run and never look back, because it never, ever, gets better.

OP you have lost sight of what a respectful relationship should be. This isn't respectful.

He sounds like a horrible man and you should get rid of him.

Having said that, I think some previous posters have had good points, and I don't think it's irrelevant that the OP is uncomfortable with him seeing her up close and personal. If this was a good relationship, where she felt truly safe, she wouldn't have any issues with him seeing any part of her body. But in a relationship like this, where she can't trust that he will respect her boundaries at all times, it's no surprise that she feels this way.

Just to validate your feelings, I would be very uncomfortable with this. To the previous posters who cannot believe everyone is not happy to share strange views of their naked body with their partners, some of us are more private than you are and it is fine to be private or shy. What the OP describes is not remotely the same as having oral sex

Call it a day here. You've said no to his behaviour and were ignored. Not on.

Whether OP felt comfortable with Twatty McTwat seeing her in that position isn't really the issue - he thought it warranted "punishment" of no sex and expected this "making it up to him" shite, he was not owed nudes/a video of how much she loved him or any of his other silly requests. Only video I would have sent him would have been one of me saying "We're done, fuck off" before blocking him.