DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

You don't have an issue with sex. You do have an issue with meeting men who are nasty boundary-pushing examples of the male gender.

This one seems as though he just put on a good face until he felt he had you trapped (buying a house) and then let his real self show. You were never going to have that lovely future that you envisaged with him. There are plenty of nicer men out there, honestly.

There are many people out there living perfectly happy lives and being happy with their sex lives who are a little bit restrained about their bodies. We see them posting on here regularly. It's no big deal.
Op, there's nothing wrong with you, but there's everything wrong with this creep. He knows your boundaries but was determined to overpower you physically even though you were telling him no and he could see you were upset. That's a sexual assault. Now he's testing your boundaries, seeing how far out of your comfort zone he can force you, with these stupid, nasty demands.
Honestly, value yourself. Don't fuck about, get out of this relationship now. You don't need to agonise or analyse, he won't change, in fact once you're married he'll probably get worse. Thank your lucky stars he's shown you the real him before you brought that house or had children.
Take time to yourself. One day you find a kind man who will value and respect you. Who knows, in a gentle and loving relationship you might find that your inhibitions become less, but a decent man would respect you for who you are and not push or force you into anything.

His behaviour is unacceptable and you should obviously get rid. However, I also think that the fact you are worried about someone you are buying a house with seeing any part of you in daylight, no matter how close up they are is another reason to get out. Please find someone who believes every part of you is perfect and makes you believe it too.

Same. This thread is a joke.

He's doing things that are triggering you and it's deliberate. He gets a kick out of violating consent and assaulting you.

It's easier to split now that stay with a man who will get worse and worse about violating your boundaries. You are not safe with him

Dom sub is all about consent and he isn't. He's using that to mask he's sexually abusive.

Maybe one way to look at this is that both men are part of your "old life"? You knew your new partner for 10 years and around the same time as your previous partner.

These men from your "old life". They were from before all the counselling or the counselling didn't include how to spot them for the future.

This is not your fault and it's not your last chance. You recognised that something was wrong early on and before you married him or bought a house. You knew to post here. That's a good thing.

There are a lot of these men around. I'm not surprised that you have ended up with another one. That's not the important thing though. It's being able to spot them and get away. The more time you spent with the bad ones the less time you have for a different man.

This is not your last chance. There are plenty of wonderful men out there and knowing how to spot the abusive ones is a bonus now.

It may be that the available men in your area who are "free" contain an increased % of abusive men as their wives divorce then or they move from woman to woman.

He has seen me naked in daylight and I’ve been ok with that when I’ve chosen to i just don’t like it when he very obviously leers at me and comments on my body which again is probably due to my past

You’re telling a woman whose partner has trampled all over her boundaries several times that he’s not abusive and she’s childish?? That’s dangerous

There is a weird dynamic happening and you are clearly not on the same page sexually. It sounds like he likes submissive type sex and dominance , some people are into this, you clearly are definitely not. I don’t think you should continue this as it’s making you uncomfortable and he isn’t respecting your boundaries or being respectful of your needs at all.

He sounds gross. 'Leering' at you etc. Get rid.

Are you actually serious? The “thousand” times when he’s seen her vagina previously were presumably with her consent. This wasn’t. Do you not see the difference? You are an abuse apologist.

Because it is.

He is manipulative. He is not good.

Why do you keep fixating on how he sees you? Why won’t you accept that this man is a terrible, horrible human being? Do you really believe this is all you're worth?
FWIW, I wouldn’t let my partner do to me what he did to you, and we’ve been together 20 years. The first time he did it would be the last. And I’m not remotely boring.

The weird thing about that is actually that I used to be very into that in my previous marriage. But as I said it didn’t end well. He’s never shown much interest in that sort of kink so I’ve never pushed it and we haven’t discussed anything like that going forwards. But when I asked him last night if he was joking he could have made it clear it was a role playing thing but he didn’t.

as I’ve said my current difficult situation is that he’s meant to be returning to mine at 8pm tonight. Neither of us have messaged each other so I don’t know where he’s at mentally right now. It’s obviously deliberate that he hasn’t messaged me but he will have to at some point soon. It’s pissing me off that he clearly doesn’t see he’s done anything wrong I chose not to respond when he said he hadn’t pressured me rather than explain it but maybe I should respond and say actually you were pressuring me. And to people saying it’s not real here is where it’s been left

I'm confused because all of your posts say you don't like it but this one seems to be saying you're going to stay with him anyway because it's, what, less admin?

I have attached a cropped screenshot that’s under review

You DO NOT know for certainty that he would not share nudes/videos. Once out there, you cannot erase them. Dump the creep, he sounds vile.

Ooof OP, there's a lot going on here. Your posts make me sort-of grateful that I've been married since before smartphones were really upon us. Sending sexualised images, videos or voice messages was definitely not part of building a relationship when I was in that phase. I think your instincts are right to dislike that stuff; it feels objectifying and very open to manipulation (as example shows).

Your partner's whole approach to intimacy, meanwhile, (if 'intimacy' is the word here) seems partly transactional, partly manipulative, partly coercive. Presumably it isn't all the time, but I doubt that this sort of thing gets better over time, especially given how unapologetic he currently is about it all.

Meanwhile you sound a bit fragile. Insecure about your weight and appearance and about intimacy - I'd have said it's inevitable that your partner gets to know the appearance of your private parts fairly well, in any kind of light, in the course of an active sex life, and you that of his. Not necessarily terribly erotic, but not a big deal.

I'm not saying it's 'wrong' that you don't want to be seen except in dim lighting, you do you. But that your partner clearly lacks respect for this preference of yours is definitely a problem. You shouldn't have to apologise and explain as much as you're doing. Your boundaries are your boundaries and if he doesn't like them - well then maybe it's better he jogs on....

You haven't told us what you mean by saying the relationship is good otherwise, but I struggle to imagine a person who is otherwise great to be with while doing the things you describe in sexual situations. Sorry to be so negative about a relationship you're clearly invested in. But it sounds to me like you'd be better off trying to become more at ease with yourself before you take on someone as willing to mess with you as this man.

I think you’re in trouble honey, now he’s moved in the mask is slipping. This is going to get worse.

I think you don’t want to end it, so you need to have a word with him about sexual boundaries, and don’t issue ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through.

And that is 100% right and valid.

Please go back to counselling. It's not that you are a prude or that there's anything wrong with what you want. Your counsellor may see there is something of a pattern - not because you are wrong, but because your self talk allows you to put yourself and your rightful boundaries in second place.

My ex was abusive. Even though my now dh is kind and respectful, if he walks up behind me and touches me when I'm not expecting it, I still react. dh knows not to do it ever, not in jest, not by mistake.

Maybe everyone else in the world is fine if they're doing the dishes and their much loved partner comes and nuzzles their neck. But I'm not, and that's the point. dh doesn't try to persuade me I'm wrong, he respects every single boundary I have.

If your partner is away dog sitting again can you use that time to get some real life support?

And more

Double lock the doors and go somewhere else for tonight. Let him find the house locked up (if he turns up, and if he doesn't and then messages you expecting you to be sitting up pining for him you can say you weren't there anyway).

He's going to expect you to be sorry. He wants apologies. Because he cannot see what he's done wrong and that is what makes him dangerous.

There's nothing "wrong" about how you feel or about you being uncomfortable with things your partner is demanding. But I think many of us feel that your need to only be seen in soft light or with make-up on is sad (not "wrong"). If my partner and I were fooling around in the two situations you described (out of the shower and outside) and it ended up with any part of my body being in his face, we'd either have a good laugh or move on to something more overtly sexual. I'd definitely not be feeling embarrassed by it. Having said that, I think you DP is a jerk.