DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

'I was only joking'

Sure, buddy.

I am hoping you've already dumped him, OP.

Yes.

Yes, @diabolicalbanana, take a screenshot of this post and keep re-reading it.

Ugh. He sounds like a porn-addled dickhead. YANBU and need to dump.

It's not about the nudity.

being tipped almost upside down your legs apart and centimetres from his face while you’re struggling

Did you miss the part where he forced her into this position against her will? The part where she asked him to stop? The part where he did something similar again?

I'd be furious.

I don't think using disparaging language about mental health in relation to the OP was helpful.

Not just being tipped upside down against your will, it’s also how he behaved afterwards- telling her she’ll be PUNISHED for having boundaries unless she sends him a video of herself apologising and/or humiliating herself! Jesus Christ!!!

TBH I couldn't get past his spelling and grammar!

He's trying to make you do something against your will, OP. When you object he blames you. The fact that another woman might want to do those things is nothing to do with it - you don't and he is pushing you into it.

I can see that you are wondering whether it's you as otherwise it's two men in a row who don't respect your boundaries, but I promise you it's not you - it's them.

There is a gigantic difference between your DP seeing you up close during consensual sex, and your DP grabbing you, manhandling your naked body while you try to get away from him, and forcing you into a position where he can shove his face right next to your exposed genitals for his own sexual gratification WHEN YOU HAVE ALREADY TOLD HIM YOU HATE THIS BEHAVIOUR.

You know he wasn't joking right? And he's still blaming you. Now it's your fault because you can't take a joke. He's not a good man and you need to get away from him.
He's already got you not knowing if you're coming or going, he'll only get worse as time goes on. You won't tell anyone IRL because you know they'll tell you to get away from him. He's already isolating you and gaslighting you.
Please get away from him..
You say you're staying with him because you can't trust anyone else but how the hell can you trust him? He doesn't respect your boundaries, sends you punishments because you got upset when he crossed a line, makes you apologise (no idea what you're apologising for) and then tells you it was a joke, despite him telling you he was totally serious.
The only joke is him, I just hope you see that and dump him

Exactly. Reminds me of the tactics creepy men pull on young teens that just happen to get within hands reach. Yuck.

I would be checking his browsing history.

Those messages are like something a 16 year old would write.

Vomit inducing. Is this what men think women like?!

Id be repulsed by him tooo, its not you, its him.

Oh wow! This whole story is crazy. YANBU at all. He’s a nutcase. Get rid.

You are right and not at all unreasonable. Many, or even most women being comfortable with their partner seeing them naked in good lighting is irrelevant. No means no. Every relationship is different. He knows you. He knew you didn’t want it. And the way he behaved after the event was disgusting. With his attitude, he is not someone you can have long term happiness with. It’s good you found out now, rather than after the house purchase. 💐

I think though when you’re living with a sex pest and pervert who will abuse your boundaries, it’s important to have your knickers on in future, in hot weather it really doesn’t make you any hotter, and put clothes on if you don’t want him looking if he catches you naked.

you should never have to do this and should trust the man who proclaims to love you to respect your boundaries, but he doesn’t, as such you need to assume he’s going to do it again,the first opportunity he gets and humiliate you as often as he can.

so it’s either always get dressed and wear knickers, or kick the weirdo out. I know which I’d chose.

This man has absolutely no respect for your boundaries. It doesn't matter if 99% of replies say nudes are fun - if you have said no, that's it.

Please don't buy a house with this man!

Finally, I don't think I could bring myself to have sex with someone who says 'you was' instead of 'you were' if English is their first language.

Thank you for your helpful response and to all the other kind and helpful responses I am taking them on board.

to people still accusing this of being fake I’m not a schoolchild this is my real life, we’re both professionals in our thirties he actually has quite a good career despite his grammar.

I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with? I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?

It's something he's done a good job of hiding until now..... IT'S NOT YOU !!!!! Maybe there are reasons he's never had a long term relationship before!!!

@diabolicalbanana in my experience, it's something in them that reveals itself. I was with my exh for years before the mask slipped and the abuse became regular and unbearable. There were just flashes before that I just brushed off. They didn't register as significant at the time.

I think exh has gone on to have other relationships but they break down. At least two other women have called him a narcissist to my knowledge.

He can pretend to be nice and 'normal' for want of a better word for a while but it isn't sustainable for him. I do think people can change but it's a struggle for people with deep rooted issues and potential personality disorders. Whether or not something you did set him off, that's not on you. That's his issue.

None of this is your fault.

You reacted in an understandable way. Your fight or flight reflex kicked in.

It’s definitely not you. Most abusive men have ingrained (distorted) views of women, often from issues in their own past or what they have seen/learned/read. This is often perpetuated with regular porn use. At 35, the fact he hasn’t had healthy or long term relationships before is, in itself, a huge red flag. Often abusive men purposely seek out vulnerable women, and the fact you’ve been abused in the past fits that pattern.
How well do you know his family?

The main issue I knew of that was the reason for no other long term relationships is because he’s had a long running issue with handling conflict, emotional vulnerability, he can just shut down and take things extremely personally if there’s any issue in a relationship and isn’t great at verbalising his emotions

I’ve met his family a few times, it’s a pretty standard family no drama there although he has a slightly strange relationship with his parents in that he never would talk about personal things or emotions ever! And has a weird hang up about their opinions of him

He won't change OP !!! This isn't something that goes away.... he's a manipulator.

Has he shown any kind of remorse for his behaviour? As in, he understands you were upset and wants to make things right with you?
That should be a bare minimum of your expectations. No excuses. He’s a grown man and should be treating you, if not as a goddess, then someone he can’t bear to lose.