DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

He’s gaslighting you. Noone enjoys having their partner come on their face. It’s a porn thing only. You are not boring.

Oh stop it.
It's not about him seeing her naked. Stop minimizing.

Many people are fine with their partner seeing them naked during sex but that doesn't mean they're comfortable with their partner seeing them naked in uncomfortable or awkward positions where they hadn't intended to be naked, that's not a red flag at all.

All the red flags are his.

This reads like it was written by someone very young and inexperienced. How old are you both?

Gosh, seen your updates. Get out, he’s dangerous

I’m so sorry

im so confused. I think he behaved horrifically and he’s be gone before his arse even hit the door

but you don’t want him to see your crotch up close?

you have sex with him. He’s seen it all before.

But you should dump him!

but also love yourself! I’m sure you’re stunning. Love yourself!

Absolutely wouldn’t bother me

my husband been down there loads and seen it tons. Plus it’s a beautiful part of our bodies. I’m proud of mine.

What a tale.

Read the OP's updates. This man is vile.

He’s disgusting op. His text messages are awful, all that “haha” and “🤣” to try and make it light hearted whilst he’s lying to you about it being a joke and trying to get you to do things you don’t want to do. Please leave him

Ridiculous comment. Just because someone has seen your vagina before doesn't mean they get to overpower you and have a look whenever they want. It's HER body. You're making out like she is the problem here which is very concerning.
Not letting men do whatever they want with your body whenever they please doesn't mean someone has issues that they need to fix. Bloody hell.

You haven't read the OP's updates. That's a problem.

This man is vile.

Even if you'd said no?

You'd be fine for your daughter to come to you and say "my boyfriend upset me, I said no and he tried to carry on"

You'd be "oh love get over yourself, it shouldn't bother you"???

Really well written. This is exactly what happened. @diabolicalbanana please read this carefully and understand that you are not over reacting. And ignore people derailing the thread, who are not understanding why someone who has previously been the victim of abuse doesn’t understand your insecurities around being naked.

He is truly awful.

so many red flags - including the OP saying if anything, she’s more into sex than him.

she’s not a prude. She’s a woman with a healthy sexual appetite, who is with a porn addled man who needs to humiliate and push boundaries to be stimulated.

all this nonsense about sending porny pictures - he knows you prefer not to, that’s the point.

lying about not pressuring you.

withholding sex that you want, to feel close, because he only wants to feel dominant.

I hate him.

op, you have a massive failure of logic. You can’t convince yourself he’s ok because “he's your last chance”.

First of all, he isnt.
Secondly, if he was, how would that make him ok? Just because there was no one else in your future? He isn’t ok if he’s the last man on earth!

You are spectacularly missing the point. It doesn’t matter that it wouldn’t bother you. The poster said that it bothers her - and he kept on doing things to her that she has said she isn’t comfortable with, her ignores her and tries to do them anyway, then sulks and tries to punish her.

How can you think that’s ok.

If there was something that you didn’t feel comfortable with sexually (you think of something that you would feel really against doing) and you told your partner no, but they did it anyway, more than once, and then told you they were just joking……… would you be ok with that? If you were forced to do something sexually that you didn’t want to do, but everyone else on mumsnet likes to do that thing you don’t enjoy, does that mean he’s allowed to force you to do it against your wishes? Honestly?

The words and language used by @BornToBeWithYourMan is accurate and spot on.

He acts like an abusive sex pest that's addicted to porn. A freaky, looney, immature twat waffle.

This is very controlling and weird. If you are only 2 years in I would get out now it will only get worse if you are trapped in a house with him.

Ugh just read all your updates, telling you YOU are the one that needs to crawl for forgiveness when he violated your consent boundary is nauseating. You told him you don't like that. He's been watching too much porn. Fuck this guy.

She didn’t consent and was struggling to get away. You are an abuse apologist and should be ashamed of yourself.

You are not in the wrong here, he is.
Please don't tie yourself to him by buying a house together. Don't let him pressure you.
He's testing the waters to se how much he can get away with, they don't get better they get worse.
Take the freedom program others have mentioned and hold onto your own rules of what you will and won't put up with. He's overstepping and will say whatever he thinks you need to hear to get you back on side.

There are better men out there. The trick to finding them is recognising the wrong ‘uns, like this one, and ending the relationship.

Do you know what the “sunk costs fallacy” is? If you imagine that you’re playing poker, and you’ve made some bets, but you know that you’ve got a bad hand. You could fold, lose the money you’ve already bet, and then you wouldn’t lose any more. Or you could throw good money after bad, for no better reason than you’ve already bet the first lot.

Even though it’s the stupidest thing to do, most of us feel compelled to keep going after we’ve made even a small investment. It’s a huge principle of marketing, sales etc and it’s a big problem in relationships too.

You’re at a point where you’re literally about to make another bet - getting financially locked in with this man in a mortgage.

From the outside I’m here yelling STOP! But on the inside it probably feels more like being caught up in a strong current. You can stop. You can end this. Or at the very least, you can press pause.

He isn’t the last man on earth. Although you’re making him that by deciding you’ll never have another relationship. Do you hear that word “never”? It’s an absolute, like “always” and “every” and when those kind of words are high in our thoughts, we’ve slipped into black and white thinking.

It isn’t this man or no man ever. It isn’t this relationship or a lifetime of loneliness.

The problem is that he’s blocking your view of life’s possibilities. Life without an abuser is so completely different it’s nearly impossible to imagine when you’re caught up with one.

What do you need to leave him?

There's no such thing as 'my last chance'. I've got a friend in her seventies who's just met a new bloke.

And all those doing the 'ha ha, this is a wind up/kids are out of school' - well, so what if it is? Just think of all those women who might find themselves in a similar situation and go looking for advice, and come across these posts and answers. The advice is the same and given in good faith.