DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

His messages are absolutely disgusting. He sounds extremely immature. The abuse always starts when they think they've got you trapped. Run now while it's still easy to get rid of him.

I think you two are completely not compatible at all .
I don’t believe he’s this sex pest , predator everyone is making him out to be either .
Obviously you should never do anything you’re not comfortable with , but to me you two sound like chalk & cheese .

It needs to end, but once someone starts to cross lines then it's far more than an incompatibility issue.

If a man really wants to do things like finish on a womans face and she says no, and he says ok but it's something he feels he needs in his sex life, then that would be an incompatibility issue.

If a man really wants to do that, she says no, and he carries on regardless then he's a sex offender.

Well he is.

a couple of weeks ago he wanted to ‘finish’ on my face. I was really super clear saying no I do not want that. We had sex and he tried to do it anyway I stopped him and said no I don’t want that he then went in a major mood......

The incident with the finishing on my face thing was definitely a first time out of nowhere that he’d really been very very pushy about something sexual to the extent of still getting on top of me and trying to do it even though mid sex I had said don’t do that.

She said no, he knew he did not have consent for it but he still tried to do it anyway, he might have stopped, but that does not change his intent, which was that he had intended to try to coerce her into it by overruling her wishes in the first place. A woman should not have to repeatedly say no to something she's already said no to.

He's dangerous.

He's dangerous.

That alone would make me feel it’s over. He doesn’t respect you. He will never change.

The first post is the only post that came up for me .
I must go into read all OPS posts.
I actually didn’t realise there was more !.
So my comment was solely based on original post .

OP, this is a guy you should be running from/dumping/avoiding like the plague.

He has no respect for you whatsoever. He’s abusive, coercive, a gaslighter and sounds dangerous. He thinks you’re a sure thing (re: buying a house together) and therefore it’ll be more easy to trap you/break down your boundaries and drive you to thinking you’re the one with the problem. He’s doing a number on you already.

You’ve already said he showed his true colours after moving in together. Please don’t buy a property with this guy. Please look after yourself and keep safe. You’re not the problem…he is!

This man is happy to degrade you despite you saying multiple times you aren’t comfortable with any of that, he keeps pushing asking for pics and videos of whatever he finds turns him on. He is trying to dominate you and in my opinion this never ends when you say no. You made it clear on previous occasions by your visceral reaction of panic to the situation and saying no, and yet he still pushed for more. This man in my opinion is likely to rape you at some point and see it as part of his fantasy because after all you said no but continued anyway. No means no…end of. It’s not an invite to keep pushing for more. I couldn’t wave more red flags if I tried. I would not be continuing this relationship and all I could think of with the first example was I’d have drop kicked him in the face. Then you went on to say about the previous example and I physically felt sick. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks is reasonable, you made it clear absolutely not your bag, yet still he persists. Yuck. 👋 🚪

Brucey Bonus...

This just sounds exhausting and awful. Bin him.

Sorry OP but this is dripping in red flags and I think you already know it.
Twice now — the chair, the bed — you've ended up naked and exposed in a way you didn't want, through "playful" wrestling that somehow always lands you in that exact position. Once is an accident. Twice, after you'd already said something, isn't.
Then you set a boundary and instead of just... respecting it, he punishes you by withholding affection, tells you you've "lost out" on sex, and sends you a literal menu of options to earn your way back into his good books — including the one thing he knows you've never been comfortable with. That's not romantic, that's not playful, that's coercion with a cute font on it. And "I never pressured you" after all that is textbook.
You are not boring. You are not uptight. You said no to something reasonable and his response was to make you pay for it. That's the bit to focus on, not whether you should've sent a nude to smooth things over.
Trust your gut here. Fuck him off.

If my DP sent me those messages I’d be a bit scared. He sounds a bit rapey.

Please listen clearly to your intuition.
if you try to end it he will say anything and everything to convince to stay. Promises that he’ll never do anything like that again. But once you’ve got a house with him things will change.
he’s virtually laughing at your distress - take good care of yourself.

This

He's a nasty piece of work who likes playing games and testing your boundaries. If you stay with him you'll regret it, OP.

Trust me, it's a lot easier to just cancel mortgage broker appointments, than it is to sell a house that you've bought with someone you now want to split up from.

Heed our warnings, do not buy a house with him.

He's a creep, you'd be happier after dumping him.

There are some weird responses. It’s reasonable. He’s pinning you down and restricting your movement. He’s held your legs open against your will. If it’s not part of what you do together he’s a fucking cunt at best, sorry.

OP, this is totally disgusting. Basically, he forcibly holds you with your legs apart so he can look at you. There aren't enough vomit emojis.

Not only that, he dismisses your feelings and makes you feel that YOU have to apologise to HIM. And you're not even trapped with him yet! Believe you me, it will get a lot worse the moment he thinks he has you trapped.

Dump him brutally, hard and fast. This little fucker needs to learn some respect. 😡

And totally ignore the posters expressing faux shock that you don't feel comfortable prancing around naked in front of him in broad daylight with your legs akimbo. Your body, your choice. You felt uncomfortable and that's the end of it. It doesn't matter what other posters think. If they want to bend over in broad daylight with the sun illuminating what they had for breakfast, good for them. Doesn't mean you have to.

He is sexually bullying you, and I feel sorry for you. Get yourself a gentler man.

Why? You've had the sense to keep your finances separate. If your house is yours, tell him it's over, change the locks and make arrangements to send his stuff round to somewhere where he can collect it. If it's his, pack your bags and leave.

He sounds gross. Dump him.

If you enjoyed the fight but said no - him pouting would still be gross. (from somebody who likes to consensually “playfight” as foreplay)

You’ve told him you don’t like it and his pouting is vile!

You are not suited for each other.

I'd throw that one back in.

If I knew you I'd want to give you a motherly hug and assure you that you are worth so much more than that little prick. He is physically, sexually and emotionally abusive, he hid it for quite a considerable time but his true colours are starting to show. If you choose to stay with him it will get worse. Please think strongly about moving on without him. Every one is entitled to whatever privacy they want regarding their body at any time, it can change from day to day, even minute to minute and that is fine.
I was extremely confident about my body for many years but I'm older, fatter, flabbier and wrinkled now and my husband sees my naked body when I decide, not any other time. He has never behaved in the manner of your partner because he's a decent person and unfortunately the scummy fucker you're currently with, is not a decent person. Please totally ignore the posters questioning why his actions bother you, they should bother you, I'm glad they bother you, it means you are aware of your boundaries and the fact that he's abusive. Please get rid of him asap. Then some counselling and time without dating. Again, you are worth more. He is a prick. You are beautiful and have the body of a goddess but he is not entitled to that body, any access has to be granted willingly and enthusiastically by you, if its in any other way its abuse. Sweety, take my virtual hug and know there are women out here who know what you mean, how you feel and can assure you that you are better off without him.

This is a long term partner and a man you are about to buy a house with. You don't feel comfortable with him 'getting a good look' at your naked body and you are desperately trying to cling onto a towel to stop you from feeling vulnerable naked. That's not normal. It's a red flag.

He seems to have some weird obsession with manhandling you, up-ending you, grabbing your legs and arms and wrestling you to the point that you start to panic and have to twist and contort to get away from him. That's not normal. It's a red flag.

I think you should re-think this relationship.

He saw you naked? And that's a problem?