DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

Indeed. Male I’m guessing

Dump dump dump

Unfortunately, some men feel that if an ex, abusive or not did things to you, they should get to do it too.
In their mind, it's a case of, but you did it with him, why not me, despite the fact that you were forced to.

It's the same mentality as if I can't have you, no one else will.

Such people are dangerous, him even more so as he was a trusted friend.

Don’t assess your options. He isn’t an option.
Assess your opportunity to remove him from your life. Please.

Even if being alone was a risk, it’s a smaller risk than this man’s behaviour. He’s waving red flags. If you let this go, he’ll remind you repeatedly about how you have no sense of humour and risked losing him over a prank. He’ll use that as the permission to do ever more. That sex act you don’t want to do? He’ll do it. Cum on your face? He’ll do it. Say no? He’ll do it anyway. Resist? He’ll manhandle you, then tell you you enjoyed it.

But you don’t trust him, do you?

You don't know he wouldn't share them. I suspect you feel you would know if he'd ever want to finish in your face. Then suddenly he does. End this now or it will get worse. Seriously.

If this is real you need to end this now. He will push and push. You're not compatible, he's a sleaze, you're too vulnerable. Get rid. Other men can be trusted but you can be alone you know...

OP..... he has shown you who he really is..... an abusive, gaslighting, manipulative, disgusting bully. BELIEVE HIM..... YOU HAVE TO GET RID !!!!

Get the locks changed OP

The first time your partner tipped you over so you were exposed and this caused you to panic…any normal person would have immediately let go, helped you up, and made sure you were okay.
Instead, while you struggled to get free, he continued holding your legs until you ended up in an even more vulnerable and exposed position. This is already pretty disturbing behaviour…but you told him verbally, explicitly, that you were not okay with this, and that should have been the last time anything like that happened.

But just two weeks later you were in a towel, reluctant to have a cuddle before getting dressed…so he ignored your reluctance and pulled you on top of him anyway.
Sure, you then decided to go along with it at first…but when you started to struggle to get away he wouldn’t let you go, and he grabbed your legs again.
Just like last time, you panicked and twisted trying to get free, and just like last time he saw you panicking and struggling and still didn’t let go.
For the second time in two weeks you found yourself restrained, in an exposed position, which you’d been manhandled into against your will.

I can’t understand how anyone is suggesting OP is unreasonable for feeling degraded by this. There’s a world of difference between nudity as part of consensual sex, and being physically manhandled into a position you don’t want to be in, when you were trying to escape, with a man physically restraining you so he can stare at your genitals without your consent.

Trying to finish on your face when you’d told him not to, and requesting nudes, are more examples of him attempting to make you engage in acts you’ve already told him you do not consent to. Withholding affection as a punishment is a tactic used by abusive men, and it’s pretty shocking that he openly told you that this was what he was doing.

He knows about your past, and saying he “just wanted a bit of fun” when you said you weren’t comfortable with his “suggestions” (he already knew you wouldn’t be) was designed to trigger old insecurities; he was trying to make you worry that you’re boring. You’re not boring: this is a revolting manipulation tactic designed to make you override your own boundaries and do whatever he wants.

Telling you he hadn’t pressured you, after all of this, is a piss poor attempt at gaslighting.

Your feelings around this are totally fair. What kind of disgusting man feels their partner trying to get away from them, can see they’re panicking, and still keeps a tight enough hold that they can’t get free? What kind of predatory asshole then holds a clearly frightened woman with her legs spread, obviously against her will!? His behaviour is a HUGE red flag and, if anything, you’ve under-reacted. Trust your instincts. This man is not safe. Do not have sex with him again, talk to friends in real life about this, get some support, and get rid of him as soon as you can.

Holy fucking shit, leave.

This is what happens when you get into a relationship a creepy sex pest. This man should be single, not be given access to a naked woman at any point. He's acting creepily because he's a creep who thinks he's owed access to your body and sex whenever he likes because that's how his brain works. I'd honestly let this one go, you should be allowed to be comfortable in a towel (or even naked) around your partner without putting up with this behaviour.

She has said numerous times he has seen her naked when she wants to and consents

No they'd be just incompatible if he wanted to do this stuff and she didn't.

But what's happening here is that he's trying to overrule her anyway and do what he likes, that's a lot more than incompatibility.

Disgusting, selfish, abusive, manipulative. Am so grossed out by what happened. Immediate bin and never contact again.

Thats fair enough.. I wasnt following from the OP.

It’s not the first tinr7, he is escalating and will continue to do so.

this is NOT a good relationship. Please do not buy a house with him.

He’s been watching porno I’d guess. Then wants you to behave the same. Not nice for you

He sounds like a manipulative pig-trying to make out you were in the wrong. Please leave him. He will only get worse once you move in together. You deserve better.

Dump him soon as possible 🤮

Classic gaslighting.

He wasn't "joking". That is a typical response from a manipulative bully.
Please take on board what everyone on this thread is saying.

If I was ok with it why would I tell her to LTB?

This whole relationship is dysfunctional and downright weird (in order of appearance, not severity) - you feeling 'distant' because he's been dog sitting for two weeks, him demanding contact but then also you panicking because he can see your body (he's supposedly your partner, surely he's seen your naked body before?), him manhandling you, giving off entitled and rapey vibes.

Weird all round - get rid.

Maybe you'd be less inclined to panic about a partner seeing your body or touching you if they weren't so handsy?

Me!!