DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

the reason I’ve said it’s last chance is because I honestly don’t think I could ever trust someone else ever again

This man sounds absolutely repulsive. Please find the confidence to bring this horrible and abusive relationship to a close. You are worth more than this, and it would be far better for you to enjoy the single life than to put up with this total loser.

Well, you know you can't trust him so get rid.

There are better men out there than this. Please don't give this one your trusy, he doesn't deserve it.

I think that the point is being missed on here by other posters which is leaving you having to defend yourself and your choices.

ultimately only you get to decide your boundaries. But please please please believe me when I say, this is how my friend’s STBExH started, stupid stuff like being offended because she didn’t like something he did, like when he watched them having sex through the baby monitor, or pressuring her into wearing her new sexy pants because it upset him that she didn’t.

there are so many more examples I could give but not without being incredibly outing. The point of this is you think you have a good man, but then he starts showing you he isn’t, and it ends with you giving in on more and more of your boundaries until you can no longer say no without fear of upsetting him…THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT by removing someone’s choice and by punishing them for not complying

Please just leave while you aren’t stuck with a house you have to sell or a child you have to share. If he is like this with your sexual boundaries, how long until all of your boundaries are pushed and you are punished for not complying.

I actually cannot stress enough how important it is you leave this guy, this is the strongest I have ever felt (except in cases where people have been talking about being beaten regularly) that someone should leave. You will regret it if you don’t!

He seems to think he owns your body.

Bin him.

Abusive people play on this feeling. It isn’t true. You can meet someone anytime. The most important thing is that you aren’t just choosing anyone rather than being alone…this man is horrendous and not a safe foundation for a shared home / life.
You will be miserable if this man has any power over you (like shared finances / home etc.)
You can be happy without him, you really can…have a listen to the Just Break Up podcast… or the book the Joy of Being Alone I think they call it ..I’ll check and return with exact details

In terms of the actual stuff. For DH and I nothing mentioned is out of our limits. It's all perfectly normal for us. I am not shy about my body at all and it is far from perfect. BUT I have birthed his child, he has wiped my bum, he has inspected the healing of my episiotomy, we swing and would be what most consider to be quite extreme/kinky whatever. But most importantly, we have the upmost respect for each others limits, boundaries, bodies, consent. I feel comfortable around him because I know the second I say no he stops, we both know that if one of us says "I don't like you doing ...." It never happens again. That's how you build trust in a relationship.

This man does not respect your boundaries. He does not car efor your consent. Quite frankly I would consider him a rape risk. He is trying to coerce you into sexual favours you have made clear you don't want to do. He physically overpowers you when you say no. They're huge red flags. I don't think this is a safe man.

If this is a good relationship, what does bad look like, OP? He's not a good man.

Those messages are disgusting.

The whole "last chance" b/s is no reason to stay with someone, I'd rather be alone than be with a guy who messages me crap like that.

Cancel the mortgage appointments, it's very easy to do.

Highly recommend this book ..when you feel like everyone is in couples and it hurts

he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up

I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs

It's not really about seeing you naked is it? It's more about "manhandling" you, as someone put it, into sexual or revealing positions. Nasty.

Oh, and his messages are the least sexy thing ever. What a turn off.

It doesn't seem you are a good fit as a couple. He refuses to respect your boundaries. You struggle to keep to your boundaries to appease him when clearly you're not comfortable with him which is no wonder as he sounds like a weirdo.

Why on earth would you want to move in with him? He sounds vulgar.

Do yourself a favour and dump him. I agree with another PP, have some time on your own. Set clear boundaries and build self-confidence then you wouldn't consider the likes of your DP as a partner but will likely meet someone who respects you.

He’s gaslighting you and sadly some posters here are too. It’s not about how much of your body he has seen, he tried to dominate you physical and sexually and it wasn’t consensual. He’s pushing your boundaries - you said you didn’t want something and he did it anyway. And as for ‘play fighting’ - that’s a slippery slope, especially for someone finding it difficult to assert their boundaries. In a secure consensual relationship it can work but when there’s a power imbalance it will lead to more gaslighting. He can say he thought you liked it, he didn’t mean to hurt you, you’ve done it before etc Honestly, this guy could be dangerous and you’re already vulnerable.

I haven't worn any underwear since I retired whatever the weather, and before that, stopped wearing panties after my hysterectomy and a bra only when I absolutely had to.

OP, he's really horrible. He's forcing you to do things against your will and then sulks when you object. I'm really glad you live separately - I wouldn't even speak to him again never mind think of buying somewhere with him. Dump him and find someone who respects you.

Easier to cancel a mortgage appointment than sell a house a few years down the line

So I vote YANBU because no means no. And stripping over not getting the sex you want to me is manipulative and yuk.

But how do you have sex without him seeing you naked?

Completely agree. It's like some posters think if someone has seen you naked, they then have the right to see you naked whenever they feel like it. You're not allowed to feel uncomfortable.

OP he already knew you didn't feel comfortable with the things he's once again asking you to do plus clear gas lighting in his messages. He's not going to change, this will gradually get worse. If you care about someone you don't want to coerce them into doing things they don't want to. But as he said, you just don't want to have 'fun'. Arsehole.

O God, kick that man into touch. He sounds awful. Disrespectful and entitled. Get out while you can.

@diabolicalbanana , read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

@diabolicalbanana I would sincerely hope that you do not give this immature boundary-pusher another chance, but you're only in your 30s. It would be fair enough for you to say this might be your last try were you in your late 40s or even 50s. For now it will probably be good for you to take a step back from relationships for a while, work on loving yourself and getting comfortable with your body and perhaps get some counselling or do the Freedom Programme or similar. But you definitely should not let your feeling that it's now or never override your sense that you deserve much better than this eejit can ever give you. No matter how embarrassing it might be to disentangle yourself from him and a potential house purchase, that embarrassment will be such a trivial blip compared to the problems you will bring on yourself if you get more entangled with him. I wish you all the best for your future. We never know what's around the corner.

This is going to get worse. Don’t buy a house ffs.

He is absolutely revolting OP. Get rid of him, you deserve far better.