DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

I wouldn't share a Kit Kat with this eejit, let alone a house or a life.

What are you actually doing, pursuing things with a man who continually makes you feel comfortable and doesn't respect your boundaries?
Do you think it will get better? It wouldn't.

Seriously, get out of this relationship now.

If this is your idea of a good relationship, you must have een in some prerty bad ones as your judgement is really off.

You should’ve dumped him at this point, to be honest

This 👏

He's backed off a bit and has resorted to "I'm only joking" because you've called him out. Next time he will push a bit more. Next time he might hold you upside down for longer, or cum on your face when you've told him not to. And he will have you questioning yourself because he'll call you a prude, or boring, and you are desperate not to be those things. But they are codewords, usually for women having boundaries, so they can be shamed and broken down. Leave him. His behaviour is seriously worrying and it will escalate. There is nothing wrong with you, and you should not be feeling this way in a safe and loving relationship.

Your different texting styles alone suggest you aren't compatible. Doesn't his lack of punctuation bug you?

His read like they are from a porn addled 15 year old. And the content - yuck.

Unfortunately once you’ve been a victim of sexual and domestic abuse historically, you are at a higher risk of experiencing it in the future. I’d be very wary of the man who doesn’t respect your boundaries then tries to insinuate you are at fault when you challenge them on that. How is your relationship in other respects? Did you do the freedom programme after your last relationship?

Dump him! He doesn't respect your boundaries and is manipulative. Don't buy a house together.

It sounds like he forced you into that manouver and is blaming you.

He should dump
you it’s very weird it’s a long term relationship and you are so prudish about the lighting in sex

Your just not sexually compatible so it needs to end

Playing the victim now you've called him out is classic abusive behaviour.

He's not joking about his sexual preferences. I'm not saying he's disgusting for having them, but you don't seem to align and now that's clear he's trying to lie about having them. And he's trying to cover for trampling your boundaries.

He needs to take what you're saying seriously, not feign offence that you could have interpreted his behaviour in the same way that 95% of people on this thread have.

Omg 😦

He's gaslighting you and trying to minimize.

Please do. A life of this?? It’s miserable. Spending your time cherishing and looking forward to the fleeting times you are not him. That’s what’ll it’ll become.

Please leave - you are only 35 years old and have already been through so much. Don't waste any more time on this creature. He is trying to manipulate you and you are now questioning yourself and doubting your actions.

So what if you have mortgage appointments? Cancel them and be thankful you never bought a property with him.

Those texts are vile. The absolute cheek of him. And how predictable to say 'oh I was only joking' when you didn't respond to his demands. You will always be the one responsible, you will always be the one who is no fun, a prude, took him up wrong etc. It will only get worse. Be thankful he has shown his true colours now.
You are strong enough to get away and be free of all this.

We’ve found the rapey partner!

No I haven’t done that program but I have heard of it before

Sorry, I’m not sure I follow?

@Wolfpa So what? OP is perfectly entitled to be as boring as she wants, just as she is equally entitled to enthusiastically participate sexually if and when she wants to and not to participate at all when she doesn't want to. As are we all. Do you not realize that someone who has already been through an abusive marriage will be extra sensitive when she feels she is being manhandled and restrained by a pervy prick who is completely overriding her boundaries so that he can cop a sneaky peak of her lady bits? And actually, who made you the arbiter of what's boring anyway? You sound as bad as he is.

LTB.
Sex as a weapon - no thanks.
Uncomfortable nude - no thanks, he should make you feel like a goddess.
Pressuring someone to be ‘fun’ - no thanks. It’s like something from bullies at school! Or people who want you to take drugs with them.
Honestly if that awkward vulva in the face thing happened with my DH, we would have laughed it off and if I said I was uncomfortable he would have said he loved it and felt the luckiest man alive to see it! It should have been an over and done with moment. There’s something not right here.

@Twinkylightsg Because the things you have described are quite normal things to happen which if you felt happy, comfortable and safe with him you wouldn't have felt the way you did.

How on earth is it normal for a man to pin down his partner and spread her legs when she was just walking around normally in a dress and didn't suggest sex?

Might be normal for teenage boys who have seen too many unrealistic internet videos, but that's not really a normal thing in the real world.

Well no to the photos or anything on the phone. That and the chair thing is a reason to dump him.

But I found it a bit odd that you are buying a house with someone you aren’t comfortable with him seeing you naked?

Dump him:
he feels safe enough now to disrespect your boundaries, and push them to try to break them.
He is also gaslighting you by saying it was a “joke”.

You can have boundaries that are the most extremely “vanilla” if you want. You do what you want - and anyone who doesn’t respect that should clear off.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, etc.
Stop apologising.

And I thought you were at least in your 50s and more like 60/70s to feel it was a last chance relationship. In your 30s there is plenty of time left.

I have said previously that he does see me naked!! I am happy for him to see me naked when I choose as pointed out both of these occasions I definitely was not choosing for that to happen and it was not in a way that I felt dignified, confident or even wanting sex at the time

He sounds absolutely horrible and it's compounds by the fact you seem incompatible sexually.

You need to value yourself more.