DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

I think the problem is more than this post. This shows clearly you just don't feel safe or comfortable with him which is the bigger issue. Because the things you have described are quite normal things to happen which if you felt happy, comfortable and safe with him you wouldn't have felt the way you did. His response to you is clear that he is disrespectful. And clear as to why you don't feel happy or safe with him. There is nothing wrong with you. You just aren't in a safe and loving relationship and your feelings and body is reacting to that.

I wonder does he feel he has you a bit trapped/under his control now...it will be even harder to walk away if you have a house together. At least delay that.

A man who punishes you for expressing that you’re upset and have a boundary is an abusive man. Run.

@diabolicalbanana all this punishment/sulking and stropping off is playground stuff. Please do yourself a favour and get rid of him. Don’t worry about upsetting friends or family or mortgage appointments! Look after yourself. Maybe look into some counselling to work on your self esteem. Honestly, he sounds awful.

He sounds vile

Blimey OP. Two issues here:

1). He's a gross sex pest and needs binning
2). You deserve someone who makes you feel comfortable and beautiful ❤️

So he sexually assaulted you, and you are wondering if that might be a you problem. No, it is not your fault. You need to get away from this man ASAP before he does something worse.

I don’t see anything wrong with the first bit.. him trying to have a playful cuddle etc. I’m a prude but think you’re even more of a prude for not wanting your long term partner to see you naked or to physically desire you.
However, his texts etc read as if you’ve known him 2 minutes and he’s only interested in sex. So for that reason I would ditch him.

I really hope this isn't really actually, because it's awful to think you are genuinely thinking of staying with this guy and buying a house with him OP. Those messages are controlling and gross. It's totally irrelevant whether any of us would have been ok with what happened in the bed. The point is that YOU were not OK with it and the person that supposedly loves you not only didn't stop and make sure you were ok, he made you feel bad, punished you for his actions and then tried to manipulate you into doing MORE things he knows you are not happy to do to "make it up to him".

You have not done anything wrong here. Nothing. This man does not respect you. He will not love, protect or support you. He is already abusing you. In all the years I've been on here, I've maybe said this 3 or 4 times - I don't say it lightly. Get out now, and never go back to him.

His reaction is not ok and no one should be forced into anything. You sound as if there are things that you need to be doing to love yourself a little more before you start a sexual relationship.

a vagina in a face is a fairly vanilla sexual act, you have mentioned that you are fine with this when you are wearing make up and the lighting is right but you don’t put make up on your vagina or tastefully back light it.

the answer to your initial question is he is out of order but you are also a little boring

Those messages he sent....

Hmm I feel like I’m going against what everyone else said as it sounds like he’s being a bit jokey but you’re taking it super seriously and you’re quite self conscious of your body?

Your safety matters.
He doesn’t understand that and you know in your heart of hearts that he’s just using you for sex.

There are men in the world who will respect and love you. Find one of those…

Please OP don’t let this relationship continue. I don’t know why some posters can’t see a difference between consensual oral sex and essentially being bodily flipped over outside of a sexual situation so your vagina ends up exposed. I’d be absolutely shocked if a partner manhandled me like that against my will and not feel at all sexy about it.

Is he living at your place at the moment?

I said I would laugh at it. That doesn't mean your partner isn't an absolute arse and I'd go as far as saying abusive. There are certain things I wouldn't laugh at linked to my own trauma and there are sexual acts I will not do. My DH wouldn't try and force me into a situation that was uncomfortable. I'd also never send nudes, my DH wouldn't ever share them but I wouldn't risk it as things can fall into the wrong hands. I don't think many mature adults would send nudes these days now we know the risks. There's nothing wrong with you having boundaries and not being open to whatever your partner wants. Him trying to convince you otherwise is coercive control.

we have messaged a bit and as I thought would happen he has basically said that he was completely joking and how can I have taken it seriously, acted offended that I could ever insinuate he was ‘forcing’ me and said that we clearly don’t understand each other.

i am taking all responses into consideration and considering my options

Creep

Who goes commando under a dress just because it’s hot?!

I feel like I’ve lived a sheltered life as my mind is BLOWN.

Vile! Dump, delete and block.

Was he "joking" instead of being forceful when he tried to ejaculate on your face against your will too? NO.

Don't tie yourself legally to him OP by a house purchase or other means.

He's on the defensive because you have stood up for yourself. He acts offended to make you the problem rather than actually listening to you and respecting what you are saying.
He is a sleazy, thick loser.

What the actual fuck. I edited my post after I read your update. You deserve much better.

It’s odd that since AI a lot of posts begin paragraphs without capital letters.

"Long term relationship is good and were planning to buy a house together"

"He was getting a good look at my body and I felt self conscious"

Politely, this is not the relationship for you.

Aside from the manhandling, crossing your boundaries, sulking etc....you are not comfortable with this man

Feeling self conscious with your DP looking at your body that you’re about to buy a house with tells me you don’t feel comfortable with this man. And that was before he did the more blatant stuff. Something in you is trying to protect itself from him. Pay attention to that - he might not be the one 💖