DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

Urgh. He sounds vile. LTB.

Did he move in to your house?

This is worrying.

He’s totally weird and immature and would totally give me the ick

He will keep humiliating you, he has already over powered you in a careless and controlling way.

He is making you doubty yourself.

He is using you.

• Attepting yo control you

• Gaslighting - with the punishment when he did wrong not you.

*Glaring Red flags, loose this controlling, selfish manipulative bastard.

Vile. Ltb

He's been watching too much porn.
He doesn't sound very nice and you don't sound matched. So sorry OP. I hope you're ok.

Those texts are vile. I'd have his stuff waiting outside at 8 and the keychain on.

You're better than this. He's fucking revolting.

VILE

I don’t think you should be buying a tent with him much less a house. With the greatest respect you’re either very delusional or it’s a case of wishful thinking which can happen when you love or believe you love someone but I wouldn’t call what you’re describing a good relationship

It doesn't matter if you have been together 9 days, 9 weeks, 9 months or 9 years. If someone trampled your boundaries with such disrespect you do not have to stay together (see sunk cost fallacy).
Please, for your safety and your sanity LEAVE!

Eew, he’s gross and thick. Your house right? So dump him, there has got to be better out there and even if not you don’t want to be with this barrel scraping.

So.

None of this is about sending nudes, you, your preferences, your comfort zone, your body confidence, your anxiety after previous experiences, your sense of humour.

This is ALL about him being an abusive piece of shit who’s taken the opportunity to ramp things up because he thinks you can’t get out. This is boiling frog. He’s ignoring your boundaries, using DARVO deny, accuse, reverse victim/offender. He’s abusing you and blaming you for not enjoying it.
I promise you, if you were comfortable and enjoying it, he’d up the stakes and do something else. This man will push and push until he breaks you.

Please make plans to get out. I would avoid being under the same roof. I think he will want to punish you for standing firm. It may just be more taunting, but it may be worse.

@diabolicalbanana you arent prude or weird. You have strong boundaries, be proud of yourself. This guy doesnt look like he respect you, and it will only get worse. Find someone who is more compatible with you

THIS!!!

Absolute creep who has zero respect for you. Know your worth.

Also, a man who cannot spell would turn me off immediately, never mind talking about being 'full of his cum' - clearly sex is all about him & his manly performance - ugh.🤢

I think you sound AMAZING actually!
After what you’ve been through in your previous relationship you’re still able to say to this man, no - I don’t like that, stop.
It doesn’t really matter what anyone else would /would not be comfortable with, it’s about what YOU are comfortable with and how he treats you, how he respects your boundaries.
He should be making you feel fabulous, especially if you’re not feeling your gorgeous best at the moment for whatever reason, not putting you under pressure. I don’t like the sound of him TBH but I think you’re strong enough to make your own decision if you really want this man in your life long term.
good luck.

God, he’s disgusting.
He talks about sex like a horny teenager.
What an absolute prick.
You should thank your lucky stars you have seen the full force of his creepy behaviour before signing up for a house together.
Please get rid.
He’s verging on abusive coercion and that behaviour is certain to escalate when you are tied to him with a house.

And how old are you? I don't think you're in a good position mentally to be in a relashionship and buying a house with someone, and DEFINITELY not with this grubby, immature specimen.

Im in my thirties

OP, he is absolutely gross, and thick as shit. Don’t put up with this horrible behaviour, it’ll only get worse.

Bail out now before you're further enmeshed. Reading his texts gave me the ick, he writes like a teenage chav... you've endured far worse and are staying with him... Fwiw, you shouldn't have to fight to get someone to understand your view. He's choosing to stay tunnel visioned into what HE wants, don't commit yourself any further to him, tying yourself in knots and doubting yourself. Relationships, especially when talking about buying a house together, shouldn't be this much hard work.

I'm surprised this even progressed to living together and looking at purchasing a home.
You both seem completely different and not compatible.

Hes an absolute fucking tosser.

I rarely say this on mumsnet but LTB. Seriously. There are so many red flags about his behavior and even more worryingly how his behavior is escalating. And how he is making you doubt yourself and feel like you are the one in the wrong.

It's not unreasonable to be upset when someone uses force to stop you getting up, even if its "jokingly ". And if a joke upsets someone, you apologise, not request nudes.

@diabolicalbanana Was this fine specimen around when you were with your abusive ex? You mention you've been on and off for 9 years. Does he know what you've endured?