DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

Ewww just no, my ex was like this and it just got worse and worse until it was outright abuse. He wanted something and if I didn’t I would be gaslit, ignored, emotionally bullied until I was the one apologising and begging for forgiveness and doing and sending all manner of things that made me feel dirty and degraded just to make it up to him and prove I loved him.

please from someone who has experienced this. Leave him. I beg you.

I hope that proves it is real for people trollhunting, it’s not right to just make assumptions

Ew.

Op your recent posts sound like you’re finding reasons to stay with him. Like you’ve invested years into this relationship so you’re determined to make it work and get your happy ever after. With respect to you, please don’t continue with this deluded mind set. This man isn’t your happy ever after no matter how much you want him to be. He’s broken your trust and makes you feel unsafe. How can that provide the sort of relationship you want? You seem to have put a lot of pressure on yourself to make this work or else you think you’re to blame. That’s simply not true. You’re not responsible for his behaviour and you’ll have a lifetime of misery if you keep trying to change yourself to fit someone else’s expectations of you. It’s no life.

Sweetheart, you are being abused. He is getting worse the more confident he gets.

I would have run for the hills just because of the spelling.

He is a manipulative piece of shit.

I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way. You’re not ‘to blame’ and actually I think it’s good that you’ve found this out now rather than when you’re further into the relationship.

You also shouldn’t blame yourself for not knowing. There are people I have been friends with for 10 years and I would have no idea about their sexual desires and kinks.

I am sure you will find someone you match up with better. There is nothing wrong with you, I hope the counselling helped you with your difficult feelings on that.

His messages are illiterate and immature. Almost like a 22 year old who is addicted to porno. Weird.

Gosh, I don't know why I bothered to read all that
Dump him - he's a complete pig

Well he can fuck off to mars.

My heart sank when I read those whatsapp messages.

You are looney to be anywhere near that freak. Brucey bonus? He's clearly a porn addict.

I did it. And I had a nine month old baby with me too.
Just leave him. And you don't owe other people any explanation about it either. You only get one life, don't waste any more of yours on this bastard.

Your language is horrible.

Awful

I’ve just read the messages. What age is he ffs.

What language?

35

Freak and looney.

Not one poster has advised you to stay with this manipulative prince of a man, so stop making excuses and blaming yourself.

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM

This relationship needs to end.

You could be describing my friends STBExH…it progresses to you laying there and having sex when both of you know you don’t want to because it is easier than saying no and upsetting him…AKA rape.

Run now, and run fast

This is absolutely dreadful. He's manipulative and abusive.
Run for the hills.
Please. This will only continue to get worse and more so when you are more financially tied with house purchase.
Get rid 💐

Stop defending him, he is a freak.

You can stay with him if you want to OP, it's your life. You aren't engaging with the posters who are explaining how awful his behaviour is, you just seem to want to complain about him but stay with him.

That's ok, if that's what you want. But if you do want help to leave then maybe it would be better to focus on that rather that posting screenshots of private conversations.

Best case scenario - you are not at all sexually compatible. And he’s a bit thick, not understanding the difference between what is a joke and what is inappropriate. Especially as he knows you were previously in an abusive relationship.

Worst case scenario - he has a sexual kink in making you feel uncomfortable, pushing your boundaries, dominating you ……… bordering on possibly being a bit rapey (not listening when you say no).

Either way you need to end this relationship as it is not healthy for you. No-one should force you to do things sexually that you are uncomfortable with. It doesn’t matter if everyone else and their wife enjoys doing XYZ - if you don’t enjoy something then it doesn’t get pressurised in your relationship. Everyone has boundaries and in relationships we either respect that, or find someone else to have a relationship with who has similar sexual preferences and boundaries to us.