AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Best tell her. Otherwise she may never know.🙄

no but they won't do anything unless they choose to and telling them again won't help.

I was thinking of trying to up my steps and go on fastish walks once or twice a week , do you fancy doing it with me? It’d be fun we could chat away while we’re doing it.

That's not equivalent.
OP doesn't know why her friend is fat (could be eating too much, could be a metabolic issue, could be side effect of medication etc) so what is she going to intervene?

You seriously think it hasn’t entered her head?!

The only thing hearing from you will do is make her feel worse about herself and probably want to avoid spending any time with you ever in the future (and I wouldn’t blame her)

People aren’t saying don’t do it for a “quiet life” ffs!

They’re not saying don’t mention it for the sake of the op, they’re saying don’t mention it because the overweight friend won’t like it.

As has been repeatedly said on this thread, overweight people are well aware that they’re overweight and that it causes health problems. Some well-meaning friend pointing it out will not improve the situation.

Can you clarify where I said the friend was thick?
thank you @ThreadGuardDog for reading my post!

I can't say whether you should say something to her or not, however I just wanted to give my 2 pence worth. A friend in our circle was huge and they were aware of it. Had tried numerous diets and fads over the years but couldn't stick to any long term. Some in the circle would tell them they needed to lose weight, some would encourage them along to fitness activities etc but nothing stuck.

Long story short, they went to work one evening and didn't come home. He had a massive heart attack and was found by the next shift. They were only in their mid 30s, had not long got married etc. I guess my point is, regardless if whether you broach it or not, they will be aware of their health/weight. You can't however make them do anything about it unfortunately.

I'm mildly curious as to how you think you could stage an effective intervention?

What are you going to do?

Pin her down and force her to do WLI?

Remove all the cake from the fridge?

Make her go to fat camp?

What are the chances you’ll tell her something useful or that she doesn’t already know?

Very low I imagine.

How on earth is OP pointing out something she already knows going to save her life, exactly?

The issue with this analogy is that 100% of drug addicts can live without their drug of choice (although many will need specialist treatment to get through their physical dependency). 0% of humans can live without food, and this is why simplistic correlations between food addiction and other substance abuse are largely unhelpful.

No, because that thing she thinks she might 'need support with' is her obesity.

There is no way of framing this to make it an acceptable way of broaching the subject.

The only person that could say something like this to her is a close and loved family member. Even then, it's dodgy.

OP leave it. It will cause a rift and she is an adult with agency.

Also the OP doesn't even know why her friend is fat. I take medication that has made me gain weight (I went from fat to obese) but it keeps me alive.

Keep your mouth shut

Dont say anything.. im sure she knows she has gained weight.. unless she talks to you about wanting help etc, you dont bring it up!!

No but instead of inviting her to lunch etc. You could suggest going for a walk but if she says no then don’t push it.

Fitness, yes. Weight, no. But you’d have to do it in a light or collaborative way. I.e. you want to get fitter, would she join you?

Still none of her business. Just like if the friend smoked or visited air polluted places regularly 😳

So what exactly would you plan to say to her then? In this message you plan to send. What will you say?

Also - I’m in the absolutely do not do this group. I’ve gained almost 3 stone over the past two years due to medication I’m on, and mental health problems not many know about.

So what can you possibly think you could say thst she doesn't already know herself?

I, too, want to know what you would say. But you don't seem willing to answer this question, no matter how many of us pose it.

Therefore this feels like another opportunity to have a dig at fat people - there have been lots of threads like that lately. I worry about it yet the impact they may have on some readers' self esteem and eating habits.

Almost everyone in the world would rather not be obese. They won't benefit from constantly seeing threads in active which subtly imply they lack character, or are a bit of a failure.

I'd rather be fat than smug and vindictive. (I'm neither as it happens - I was actually dangerously underweight for a while, and I promise you I'm happier and healthier now I am not constantly obsessing about dress size, weight and calories).

This! Thinking you know her body, capabilities or mind (past or present) better than she does is an insane level of arrogance.

This is the delusion of self-cherishment right here. What would you telling her achieve? You might feel better that you had "done your duty" or that you were "looking out for her health" but would it really help her? No.

What if it were not as simple as "she just needs to eat right and move more?"
Are you going to follow through and sit with her in the diabetes/endocrine clinic while she gets bloods done? Are you going to help out with her physio or recovery because actually she needs surgery for something? I would bet money on "no".

If you’ve never struggled with your weight, you won’t know just how much fat and feelings of shame go together. One of the reasons the body positive movement took off was because (I believe) so many women felt utterly defeated by their weight but were also incredibly weary of the self-loathing.

Your friend is probably very acutely aware of her weight and speaking to her won’t do anything constructive at all. In fact it’ll likely just plunge her into more shame. It certainly won’t make her go, ‘gosh, you’re right, I will start a diet immediately’. It’s just not how it works.

I’ve battled with my weight my whole life and I can remember 4 or 5 times when friends or family thought they were doing me a favour by mentioning it. I was so utterly mortified, all I wanted to do was hide away and cry.

The only thing that worked was me, suddenly realising I didn’t want to be this way any more. WLIs helped me and I’m now getting into really good shape - it had to come from within me, not the comments of other people.

I think you’re no doubt well meaning but unless your friend brings it up, please don’t say anything.

You suggested she join you at a dance class - and said nothing more than that, and her response was

I got told they were fine, happy with the way they looked and I was being fat phobic

Really @Biggles27 ! You genuinely just asked if she wanted to accompany you to a dance class?