AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

No. Because almost the entire thread is now about what an awful person she is for being worried about her friends’ health and that it’s just ‘faux concern’ because she really just wants to tell her friend she’s fat. Watching her friend struggle and potentially have a serious related health event, is a much better outcome than intervening and causing offence seems to be the advice. If the 90% who disagree are doing so on that basis, then to my mind the majority opinion is batshit. But hey, this is MN.

I’m not sure how you’d kindly approach this. She will be well aware she’s gained so much weight so doesn’t really need the comment from you. If she wanted to do something to fix it, I’m sure she would’ve done already. It’s now easier than ever to lose weight with ozempic.

@ThreadGuardDog - I believe you are right and @emzybobz89 is coming from a place of genuine concern and care for her friend. But I also agree with the posters who have said that her friend will definitely know she has gained weight, and that there really is no kind or non-hurtful way to raise the subject with her. As I said in my first post, better to wait until her friend raises it, and then offer help and support.

Nope. Nobody with a weight problem would say this. They're already carrying internalised shame and the idea that they would then tell anyone their actual dress size - just no. It's another stick for you to beat her with under the guise of 'concern'. Wouldn't happen.

For those that have asked, what I would say to her would be about her health, and that i'm there to support her if she needs because I love her and care about her

I don't think theres any point me replying to this anymore because i'm just being portrayed as some sort of horrible person or a liar for being concerned about my friend. Its honestly ridiculous having people telling me i'm fat shaming or trying to have a dig at fat people when i've not once said anything critical about her (or anyone else)

I do get that, @emzybobz89 - but I still think it is better to wait until she raises the subject first, and then see how you can best support her. She cannot be unaware of the risks to her health from her weight, and I honestly believe that, if you raise it first, you risk hurting her feelings and making her much less likely to ask you for help and support.

Then you wouldn't be breaking the 'never comment on weight' rule?
If she'd struggled with the race but wasn't fat would you have the same conversation with her?
Because most of your post is about her weight not her health it's easy to see why posters think you are fat shaming.
And what practical support would you be able to and willing to give her?

“I love you and care about you …” would sound so patronising though. Leave well alone.

I don’t think you’re horrible at all. I’m also concerned about my friend’s health but I just know if I say something it won’t go down well. I also know she is well aware of her weight and isn’t waiting for me to say something. The problem is, how do you separate the health from the weight? She’ll know why you’re concerned about her health - it’s because of her weight.

Going against the grain, I don't believe being a good friend means you ignore them eating themselves into an early grave! It really does depend on the type of friendship you have though. My best friend is my 'ride or die' sort of girl and I would absolutely bring it up as she would me. Encourage her to join a group with you or go for walks etc, sometimes someone just needs to be told to face up to what they are doing to themselves - make it about her health not her looks.

Yes I’m not a liar. She’s also not stupid. As I said, she knows she’s fat! She also knows I lost weight exercising (and diet) - it was a reasonable jump to make 🤷

The more obvious the weight gain, the more she is aware of it. She ran that race so as not to let her kid down but I can guarantee, she hated doing it. Making jokes about not being 20 anymore was a bid to brush off the obvious reason. But she KNOWS what the real reason is and you being concerned and speaking to her about it will be of no help at all. What she needed from you on sports day was to admire her for participating not pity her for her weight. She has a battle ahead and she doesn't need to be reminded that people are watching.

What did you say in response? Still friends?

They still do parents races? I have now been through 14 years snd multiple schools and not once (both state and private) has there been a parents race.

Did you do the race @emzybobz89 ?

I did post up thread and say that my friend DID express concern about my health (physical and emotional) and I did not take it as any sort of shaming, but genuine concern.
The difference? I was too thin.

Did it help? Did you start gaining weight?

I only have my one DD and this was her first year doing it so i don't know if it's normal to have parents races.

I did do it, yes

This is my post from earlier "When I was very unwell with an ED, my childhood friend who I meet up with a few times a year (and is a GP) did send me a concerned message. She was worried about me. I was able to tell her that I was struggling and was receiving professional help. Mentally I was in a state of denial, intellectually I knew I was very underweight. If she'd raised it when we had met up it would have been terribly difficult; doing so from a bit of distance was still uncomfortable but gave me space to sit with acknowledging that I was unwell.
It didn't change our friendship at all."

Yes but didn’t answer my question. Did you gain weight?

I really don’t see how people are jumping to fat shaming - other than the fact that this is MN and however you post about this subject matter, and whatever your motivation for doing so, you’re going to be publicly shamed for being a terrible person. The post is clearly not about her weight, other than to give detail about the fact that it’s the weight gained that’s causing the health problems experienced at the sports day. If this detail were omitted OP would be accused of drip feeding.

That this is another example of posters shaming an OP off their own thread is depressing enough. But that so many posters really, seriously think that OP has ulterior motives and just wants to make a friend she loves and cares about feel shame, says much more about them than it does OP. Going through life thinking the very worst of people is very very sad.

Did you win?!

None of what OP posted came across as pity.

OP, I think it’s unfair that people are giving you such a hard time. I accept that your motives are good. But you speaking to her about her weight would only embarrass and humiliate her. You can’t say anything she doesn’t already know and since you aren't in the same position you can’t be a partner in any weight-loss journey. You could be encouraging, I suppose, but it would be humiliating for her.

If she loses any weight you can be quick to notice and tell her she looks good, but apart from that you should do and say nothing.

It's much too complicated to say "I gained weight as a results of my friend's intervention". I was already having professional support. I do know that I felt supported by her and that she enabled me to speak openly. So yes, I think she did help. The point I was trying to make was that I didn't mind my good friend expressing concern.