AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Trust me, she knows she's gained weight and I'm sure if she wanted your opinion she'd have asked by now.
I used to be very slim and fit. Then I wasn't.
I couldn't even look in a mirror for years. I was fully aware that I was fat, unfit, unattractive and struggling with previously easy activities. I mean I wouldn't even have attempted the mums race!
But I certainly didn't need any "well meaning" friends pointing out what I was already painfully aware of. And to their credit, not one of them ever did (to my face anyway).
And now I've lost weight they all tell me I look great because they're lovely friends!

Ah yes, the US of A. Famously a nation of a healthy weight. Your direct approach is clearly doing the trick at a national level.

She knows. No need for you to make her feel worse.

I used to be very overweight myself (a size 20 which for me is huge) and no one said anything. I sort of knew but I was deluded about what I actually looked like because I still had quite a slim face, neck and shoulders so shoulders up photos were ok. Then I saw a full length photo of me from the side I didn’t know had been taken and I was horrified. I looked 9 months pregnant. It was a shock. It would have been painful but I wish someone had (kindly) said something. I went on to lose 6.5 stone and now exercise a lot and have a v healthy lifestyle which wasn’t easy but I’m glad I did it before I got even bigger.

There is a teacher at my children’s secondary school I only see probably once a year at big events (because she teaches food technology and my children didn’t choose it as an option) and I swear she seems to double in size every year. She is now so big she can’t get through a doorway forwards and has to squeeze through sideways. She looks like she’s going to expire after walking just a few steps and has to swing her legs outwards because her thighs are so huge to be able to move her legs. Why has no one close to her (she has a husband and teenage children) said to her they are worried about her?

When it gets beyond being about how someone looks and clearly is affecting their mobility and health I do think it’s a genuine concern.

It’s not about being cowardly. It’s stating the bleeding obvious. So you tell them something they already know? And? So? Now what?

Exactly! I once saw a thing aimed at primary kids that said "if someone can't change something about themselves in 5 minutes then don’t mention it". Also if a friend of mine was drinking too much I wouldn't mention it unless they were acting like a dick/ being dangerous. This woman is hurting anyone- she is simply being a fat person in the world.

This is absolutely looney toons. Yes all a fat person needs is their friend telling they they are fat (which they know) and suddenly they will eat salads, run 10k everyday.

If only every person would be sure to let fat people know they are fat, obesity would be eradicated in a generation.

Nonsense.

I was in my 60s and a size 22 when I went back to the gym. There are women there significantly bigger than I was. Some of them are taller than I am (5ft 8) but not all of them.

Some of them attend a 6 wk specialist class to kickstart their training and they then move on to drop in sessions, regular classes and individual use of the gym.

One of the most popular classes is Musical Theatre Fitness and there are a lot of big girls there.

I completed my first Parkrun on Saturday and the young woman who finished just in front of me is significantly larger than I've ever been. Our times were slow, but we did it. (Just over 54 minutes for the 5k for me.)

Yes. The USA - the land of the famously thin due to American women letting all their fat friends know they are fat.

You know perfectly well it’s a ridiculous idea.

I have a fairly thick skin for comments on my weight. It’s been up and down since my teens partly because of medications for MH conditions. If a friend felt the need to point out weight gain and say they are concerned about me, I would be mostly baffled rather than embarrassed or offended. I’m a grown woman and can worry about my own health.

Shes fat. I find fat people prefer not to be told that they're fat

I disagree with all of this, lots of young woman are way larger and seem to be way more body positive than the past. There’s loads of overweight people since 20 years ago and it’s as if it’s the norm. When I was young girls wouldn’t have dreamed of wearing the stuff if they were the size some young ones are now.
Being fat isn’t healthy and leads to multiple health issues as well as putting a strain on the nhs. As for your other points, I would say to a friend if I thought they were drinking too much and had an issue and I would definitely comment if she drove too fast whilst I was in the car

Whatever is stopping her losing weight won’t be fixed by you saying something. Think about why you want to say something.

There’s health and they saying “I wouldnt have dreamed of wearing that stuff.” Why?
shame and hating your body,
covering it up, does nothing for helping you be healthier. Wearing gorgeous clothes and being confident is more likely to make you happier and lose weight naturally and be healthier in general.

I never suggested she needed to lose weight - I merely suggested she joined me in an aqua aerobics class as she was getting breathless and sweating walking 10 foot. I said how much it had helped me with my fitness not my weight

no, more about you! It's sarcasm.

99.9% of overweight people know that they are overweight. They don't need anyone, no matter how well meaning to point it out.

Speaking as someone who has lost 42kgs with another 90 or so to lose you will do more harm than good.

Exactly. What does what they wear have to do with their health?

“Get real”
You do realise that you aren’t saving lives with these sort of “interventions”?

OP’s friend is highly likely to be very much aware of their own physique. If OP wants to make themself feel better/clear their own conscience then go for it. But let’s not pretend that saying anything is helpful to the friend. All it is likely to do is hurt their friends feelings and potentially lose a friendship.

@emzybobz89 does she being her weight up to you when you are chatting? if she does, then you could then talk about it in a neutral way… ie, ‘It’s really bothering you, so let’s talk about what we can do to sort it’

If she’s happy in her own skin then I suggest you don’t raise it. As other people said, she is well aware. Question is.. is she aware and bothered about it…or aware and doesn’t care?

Suggest you go walking together, lots of different places to keep it interesting?

Rarely do personal comments like weight, appearance etc go down well even between friends so no I would not. Whilst I understand that encouraging her to exercise or eat healthier may be tempting especially as it sounds like she is morbidly obese no one will do this unless they want to and no amount of shaming will change this even if a good friend were to suggest it. Motivation to get healthier has to come from her. It will just damage your friendship if you steer the conversation that way. If she brings it up first then fine be encouraging, offer help and suggestions but I would let her take the lead.

My point is I don’t think people are more fat phobic than the 70s to 2000’s that’s what I meant by mentioning what people wear.

99.9% of drug addicts know they are drug addicts. It doesn't mean they don't need an intervention.